It's been a LONG time since I posted here.
It's been a whirlwind of activity here in Valhalla and I honestly just haven't had the heart to write much.
Ive been in and out of the hospital for various tests.....some results good- some not so good- all the while trying to get back on track and find a happy median.....
On the upside- I'm losing weight....slowly but surely.....I'm sleeping better(ish) I still have my bad nights but at least now they are interspersed with good nights occasionally.
I'm struggling tho with a couple of things. This is going to sound very UNGODDESSlike, but I,m struggling in my relationships department. I miss the friendships I had back home terribly.
I ALWAYS had someone to talk to, someone to go and spend an hour or two- or a day- with. It was a very "Hey, I got a couple hours- wanna go shopping or just sit on the porch and have a bit of a chat?" kind of environment.
I didn't have to worry about making an appointment to see someone, we all just dropped by and if they had something planned at least I got to see them long enough for a hug and a promise to see each other again soon...and then know it was gonna happen. I don't have a huge circle of friends and loved ones here to talk to and do things with when everyone else is busy and I feel alone. And right now I feel as tho I'm being put at the end of every ones list. I'm wondering if it's something I've said- or did- but seeing as I rarely see anyone anyway, I think that's highly unlikely.
Making new friends as an adult is difficult. I've never had a LOT of people I trusted until about 15 years ago. I had been hurt so many times by people(always females) I THOUGHT were my friends I didn't trust anyone and stayed in my shell. And then- as if by magic- I happened into a time of life where I had a overflowing handful of people that weren't relatives that were really good people and who I grew to love and trust as Chosen Sisters. (I'm still not very comfortable with having guys for friends after a few incidents when I was in my late teens and early twenties- and if I do consider you a friend and you are a guy- you should feel DAMN privileged cause there are less than the fingers on one hand I feel that way about.)
So I got used to having them to chat with and do things with, and there was (and is) always my Daughter and Blood Sisters and sometimes my mom.
Now I just feel out of sorts and alone and I don't like it. It feels horrible and altho I've tried to make a few new friends, truth be told I'm picky about who I spend my precious time with and there aren't THAT many people I WANT to spend my time with. They mostly seem to damn fickle and flighty and ....well...... either tend to be boring or they are just too trashy for words and I have more respect for myself and my life than to waste time with people like that. I prefer to enjoy my time in the company of lovely, positive people who care.
Maybe it's my own fault for wanting wonderful friends. Maybe if I could lower my standards a bit I would be able to find more friends.....but if I did- wouldnt that just make my life miserable becuase I wasnt being true to myself and what I want out of- and IN- my life?
I dont want to compromise- or settle for less anymore. I've dont that before and it only ended in misery for me.
Why is it so difficult to make friends as an adult? As a child- you just walk up to someone- start talking and play together and that's it- you're friends. As an adult, it's rare to have it happen that way. There's so many things going on in each of our lives we just cant find time to cultivate new friendships.
And it's sad.
Ah well, enough being a crybaby about being lonely and such. It's on to other things. Like Laundry- and cooking Sunday dinner.
Things will work themselves out- they always do- somehow-someway.
I Am Goddess.
