Do you ever have a moment of clarity and think "I dont belong here."
Not just where you are- but anywhere on Earth.
I've realized that I just dont fit in. I'm 60 mortal years old and my only accomplishments in life that I am proud of is I have the greatest kids in the universe and I've found a MM who actually loves me.
My hopes and dreams have gone by the wayside- jettisoned, one by one, until I have none left.
I have no home to call my own. All I see in the future for this dream is paying rent to a damn landlord until the day I die- and then my husband will do the same until the day he dies and we will leave this world with nothing.
I miss my family back home. You would think after 10 years living here I would have at least a small tribe here. I dont. I have my sister Goddess Li, and a guy friend who used to be a co-worker that I occasionally-about every 3 months) have a chat with(thru whatsapp- not in person). I love my mil & fil and hubby's Aunty P, but that is it for my contacts here. No one calls, no one comes by. Everyone has their own lives to live and I'm sitting here jobless, practically friendless, and feeling pretty familyless- just waiting for the grim reaper to knock on my door and the angels to escort me to Heaven.
I have good days occasionally- the ones where I feel optimistic and reach for making something happen, but those days are coming less and less frequently and it seems like no matter how hard I reach to make things happen- they stay just beyond the reach of my fingertips, or if I actually get them in my hands-they turn to water or sand and slip thru my fingers. So close- yet so far away.
Today is a dark day and honestly I just want to go back to bed and stay there until something happens. I tell myself to get going and MAKE things happen- only I cant because I've BEEN doing that and it's gotten me nowhere. I'm stranded in the middle of a desert, in the middle of an ocean and I dont know which way to go or how to get anywhere except where I am now. And honestly, I'm to the point I dont even want to try to get off the desert and across the ocean anymore. I'm ready to just sit here and wait until it's time to go back to Valhalla. I cant even do anything to rush that along either because if you take your mortal life- Valhalla is taken away from you too.
Here is the rock....here is also the hard place.
I will get to a better place. I just have to believe..... and wait.
