Yeah- things are going well, but I'm starting to get a bit nervous. For the first time in 5 years I'm below the 250 lb mark.
I'm eating more healthily, and more active thanks to my bezzie, Betty Rage!!!
Then why am I nervous? Because in the past I had an eating disorder. And when it first started I was doing all the right things. But slowly, over the course of a couple of years, I started getting queasy whenever I would eat too much- or when I ate something I considered a treat. And guess what has started happening the past few weeks?
Yup- exactly that. I usually cook, put a certain amount on my plate, eat half of it- and as SOON as I start feeling satisfied- I stop eating and my hubby finishes what's left on my plate. Lately, if I eat one bite over that- I start feeling queasy. If I eat out of my 12 noon to 8pm window-even by 5 minutes, I start feeling queasy. If I eat something I consider a treat- I start feeling queasy. If I eat something fried in a frying pan instead of in the air fryer- I feel sick. I've even started feeling sick when I have a spoonful of sugar in my coffee. I will have to keep an eye on this because I cant let that line of craziness back into my life. Lose weight yes, but healthily. Not drop down to 87 lbs- because this time there wont be a pregnancy to intervene and stop it in its tracks. I'm a bit past that now.
There is a fine line people with eating disorders in their past have to tread. And it's not easy to judge where that line is but this queasiness is exactly how it started last time.
I dont like talking about it much- because to me talking about it just seems to make me want to slip back into that way of thinking..... nibbling at my food, camouflaging my food so it looks like I have eaten more than I actually have... Feeling queasy and just going ahead and going to the bathroom to gag myself to purge the food I've eaten that- in my mind- is making me feel so horrible. It really is scary to be always thinking about it and trying to be aware of it sneaking up on yourself again after all these years.
I just have to remember to eat and drink healthily- and I have a long long long way to go before I hit 87 lbs again.
Saturday 13 July 2019
Thursday 4 July 2019
Reclaiming My Goddess
Well, there are worries.
Last night my mere mortal and i were talking and jokingly I asked a question. The answer I got was sobering.
Now I'm not sure if he was joking or serious- but it raised a bit of a red flag with me. I do not like being controlled, neither do I like secrecy. If he were to do what he stated he would, I would be packed and gone the next day.
It seems lately he doesn't want me touching or moving anything that is "his". I dont have access to his phone- nor his computer- not that I want to go into either- I trust him and would never(and I have NEVER open mail addressed to him nor open packages delivered to him unless it has BOTH our names on it) but he has access to all mine so why not?
I love the man with all my heart and soul- but life has taught me that you cannot let anyone have total control over your life. And I never will let that happen again to me. He is already in charge of the finances until I get a paying job again- and I have to let him know if I order anything so he can budget for it. I have a set amount to buy the groceries every week- I have only went over once and I made up in savings the following week. I understand about we are on a tight budget, but then every couple of weeks or so he buys his vape juice and there are deliveries at least twice a month for things HE has ordered. He balked at the idea of me getting a separate bank account for my spending allowance when I was working- and I rarely spent all my "monthly allowance"- so it stayed in the bank- usually his purchases ate into whatever savings I had made- as if we had it in the account there was no reason we couldn't spend it.
Well, when I get working again, I'm getting a separate bank account for my monthly spending allowance, regardless of if he likes it or not. That way I can keep better track of MY spending and personal savings.
I have allowed so many little things to slip either into- or away in this marriage because I love and trust him. But things need to be 50/50. I'm TRYING to get a paying job again- but even tho I am not paying- I am staying home and taking care f the household things- as much as I can with the restrictions I have.
I cant touch or move the electronics. I cant move his seat.(Shades of Sheldon, LOL). I'm not to mess around with his gaming computer or his recording equipment. I cant move his earplugs on the night table. I cant use his paintbrushes or paints(His are water colors anyway- I use acrylic and oils). If anything isnt able to be found by him it must be because I moved them and not because he did and put them down somewhere he doesn't remember.
We can only have loving time if HE is in the mood for it. I can ask/initiate, but if it's a weeknight- he's not in the mood because he worked all day(I totally understand this tho- his job IS stressful and doesn't put you in the frame of mind to make love- Of course there is the idea that lovemaking could take away some of that stress & frustration too.....but maybe that's just me that works like that). We only make love on the weekends- at night- No morning daylight sex( I understand this too kinda- My big ugly fat ass isn't what me married and signed up for.), unless it's 4AM and he's in the mood. Rarely happens, but occasionally- when I'm in a deep sleep and dont remember it til the next afternoon a vague recollection comes to me. The one or two times I've actually woken up there is no sweet talk- just a kneading of the boobie and a nudge on my butt. It's great when we make love- He is a fantastic lover- but that reality just makes the infrequency of our lovemaking so much sadder.
I've tried talking with him about these things- but he just somehow manages to turn things round to convince me that all these things are because of something I have done or created...or worse- it's just my imagination and a projection of things my exes have done and now I'm trying to project that onto him.
At first I was in agreement on some of these issues(mainly the trust/jealousy issues), but now I'm thinking but there is still no denying that he is doing these other little controlling things and it IS how it's making me feel -it's like deja vu- and I cant let it creep up on us until it's so bad we split up. All I want is a partner who gives and takes and stands by me no matter what is going on? I want to be wanted- not controlled. And I dont want to be walking on eggshells all the time either, nor do I want HIM doing it.
Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated?
Last night my mere mortal and i were talking and jokingly I asked a question. The answer I got was sobering.
Now I'm not sure if he was joking or serious- but it raised a bit of a red flag with me. I do not like being controlled, neither do I like secrecy. If he were to do what he stated he would, I would be packed and gone the next day.
It seems lately he doesn't want me touching or moving anything that is "his". I dont have access to his phone- nor his computer- not that I want to go into either- I trust him and would never(and I have NEVER open mail addressed to him nor open packages delivered to him unless it has BOTH our names on it) but he has access to all mine so why not?
I love the man with all my heart and soul- but life has taught me that you cannot let anyone have total control over your life. And I never will let that happen again to me. He is already in charge of the finances until I get a paying job again- and I have to let him know if I order anything so he can budget for it. I have a set amount to buy the groceries every week- I have only went over once and I made up in savings the following week. I understand about we are on a tight budget, but then every couple of weeks or so he buys his vape juice and there are deliveries at least twice a month for things HE has ordered. He balked at the idea of me getting a separate bank account for my spending allowance when I was working- and I rarely spent all my "monthly allowance"- so it stayed in the bank- usually his purchases ate into whatever savings I had made- as if we had it in the account there was no reason we couldn't spend it.
Well, when I get working again, I'm getting a separate bank account for my monthly spending allowance, regardless of if he likes it or not. That way I can keep better track of MY spending and personal savings.
I have allowed so many little things to slip either into- or away in this marriage because I love and trust him. But things need to be 50/50. I'm TRYING to get a paying job again- but even tho I am not paying- I am staying home and taking care f the household things- as much as I can with the restrictions I have.
I cant touch or move the electronics. I cant move his seat.(Shades of Sheldon, LOL). I'm not to mess around with his gaming computer or his recording equipment. I cant move his earplugs on the night table. I cant use his paintbrushes or paints(His are water colors anyway- I use acrylic and oils). If anything isnt able to be found by him it must be because I moved them and not because he did and put them down somewhere he doesn't remember.
We can only have loving time if HE is in the mood for it. I can ask/initiate, but if it's a weeknight- he's not in the mood because he worked all day(I totally understand this tho- his job IS stressful and doesn't put you in the frame of mind to make love- Of course there is the idea that lovemaking could take away some of that stress & frustration too.....but maybe that's just me that works like that). We only make love on the weekends- at night- No morning daylight sex( I understand this too kinda- My big ugly fat ass isn't what me married and signed up for.), unless it's 4AM and he's in the mood. Rarely happens, but occasionally- when I'm in a deep sleep and dont remember it til the next afternoon a vague recollection comes to me. The one or two times I've actually woken up there is no sweet talk- just a kneading of the boobie and a nudge on my butt. It's great when we make love- He is a fantastic lover- but that reality just makes the infrequency of our lovemaking so much sadder.
I've tried talking with him about these things- but he just somehow manages to turn things round to convince me that all these things are because of something I have done or created...or worse- it's just my imagination and a projection of things my exes have done and now I'm trying to project that onto him.
At first I was in agreement on some of these issues(mainly the trust/jealousy issues), but now I'm thinking but there is still no denying that he is doing these other little controlling things and it IS how it's making me feel -it's like deja vu- and I cant let it creep up on us until it's so bad we split up. All I want is a partner who gives and takes and stands by me no matter what is going on? I want to be wanted- not controlled. And I dont want to be walking on eggshells all the time either, nor do I want HIM doing it.
Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated?
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