A Bit Nervous...

Yeah- things are going well, but I'm starting to get a bit nervous. For the first time in 5 years I'm below the 250 lb mark.

I'm eating more healthily, and more active thanks to my bezzie, Betty Rage!!!

Then why am I nervous? Because in the past I had an eating disorder. And when it first started I was doing all the right things. But slowly, over the course of a couple of years, I started getting queasy whenever I would eat too much- or when I ate something I considered a treat. And guess what has started happening the past few weeks?

Yup- exactly that. I usually cook, put a certain amount on my plate, eat half of it- and as SOON as I start feeling satisfied- I stop eating and my hubby finishes what's left on my plate. Lately, if I eat one bite over that- I start feeling queasy. If I eat out of my 12 noon to 8pm window-even by 5 minutes, I start feeling queasy. If I eat something I consider a treat- I start feeling queasy.  If I eat something fried in a frying pan instead of in the air fryer- I feel sick. I've even started feeling sick when I have a spoonful of sugar in my coffee. I will have to keep an eye on this because I cant let that line of  craziness back into my life. Lose weight yes, but healthily. Not drop down to 87 lbs- because this time there wont be a pregnancy to intervene and stop it in its tracks. I'm a bit past that now.

There is a fine line people with eating disorders in their past have to tread. And it's not easy to judge where that line is but this queasiness is exactly how it started last time.

I dont like talking about it much- because to me talking about it just seems to make me want to slip back into that way of thinking..... nibbling at my food, camouflaging my food so it looks like I have eaten more than I actually have... Feeling queasy and just going ahead and going to the bathroom to gag myself to purge the food I've eaten that- in my mind- is making me feel so horrible.  It really is scary to be always thinking about it and trying to be aware of it sneaking up on yourself again after all these years.

I just have to remember to eat and drink healthily- and I have a long long long way to go before I hit 87 lbs again.