The Cusp of The New Year

The Goddess Elena has been coasting thru this year. I have sat back and observed, been lazy as a Mere Mortal, and came into some realizations as I did so.

The Goddess reign in this Mortal realm is in danger of collapse- or it has been. During my year of observation, I've learned that if you are complacent about your life and beliefs and way of living- you begin to assimilate into the  human race.
And I say this with all seriousness- it will be the end of the Goddess if I allow this to go on any longer.

I realize I must now make a conscious effort to remain true to my beginnings, to my true self, no more masquerading as one of the mortals to learn. I have learned far more than I needed to and it has almost ended up destroying my inner being, my true self, my destiny as a True Goddess.

I must back away from the trappings of the mortals, I must return myself to the ethereal being I was destined to be. I will deny myself the demons who disguise themselves as  sweet indulgences- but are in truth the poison of my body and soul. I will hold my head high and deny myself these demons who tempt me. I will regain my heavenly body and temperament, shunning the temptations of Mortality- for those temptations of Mortality bring with them death and destruction.
I will do so no more. I will only accept the best that this life has to offer, I will not settle for anything ever again. Things will become exactly as I want them- or they will remain forever silent. I will not settle. I am a Goddess- destined to become stronger- to achieve anything and everything I wish to do and be. I may have lost sight of that while observing, but I have come to my senses.
It shall be no more.

Elena has returned and she is not waiting for the first day of the next year as is the tradition of the Mortals.
The time is now... Today.... The moment you make that decision. Not the next day- or the next week.
NOW. This Moment.And so it returns to the way it was meant to be.

So Let It Be Written- So Let It Be Done.

Elena The Benevolent- Like It Or Not.

Mortals make everything so complicated.
Not MERE Mortals this time, mind you... Mortal Women.

Today I had a lovely idea- The Month of December, on Monday Mornings(Only 3 Mind you because the company I hold a mortal position in has a mandatory week off for Christmas Policy) I was going to bring in a couple of treat trays- little goodies like cakes and candies that are usually only made during the Christmas Season back home.

Well, I told one of the Mortals that I was planning on inviting the rest of the office to join me so we would have lots of little home made treats in the office to look forward to on Mondays during the month.  Well, she took it and said that was a great idea- but we would clear out an area and put a donation box up for charity. Then she went to take it to the Office Manager to get approval- and it has turned into not only a Charity Event- it's going to be on all MONTH LONG til we go on Mandatory Holiday!!! For "Charity".

Now, dont get me wrong, I donate to several charities all year long and dont begrudge them a penny of it- but just ONCE- does it all have to turn into a corporate event- cant we just do something simple and understated for just our office to enjoy?  I get so sick of all the join-inery that goes on- and now it's not a fun thing to do- it's a full blown OBLIGATION.... It started out as MY idea and I will get credit for it- but this is NOT what I had in mind at all.
It's no wonder I cant make friends over here- everything is turned into an "Event" instead of an intimate gathering of friends and colleagues. I'm not god in crowds. I dont like crowds that much- and if I'm in a crowd- I tend to tuck myself away in a corner or at the edge and  observe instead of joining in. It's just me.

Am I wrong to feel so pissed off at this turn of events? Or are my feelings Justified?
I'm absolutely LIVID about it.

What are my Fellow Goddesses Thoughts?
Shall I throw Lightning  and Thunderbolts? Or shall I just opt out of the entire thing? Or somewhere in between- such as bring things- enjoy the treats, but just refuse to donate to the "Corporate Do-Goodery"?
Yes- Elena is Absolutely Livid. I dont want the credit for making it the best event of the year- I want something quiet and sweet. Like me.
Stop laughing. I can hear you laughing.

Lamenting Goddess Maintenance

This week shall be devoted to high profile Goddess maintenance as the Goddess Jewel' Wedding Day fast approaches.

I wonder why I even bother, tho. If it wasn't for the fact I AM Goddess I most certainly would NOT.

Mere Mortal continues his head-achy illness journey- so there is no kisses and cuddles and love-making going on as it drives the blood pressure high and makes him physically ill. I assuredly do not get remotely close to anyone at work- least of all close enough for them to see if I have unshorn armpits and legs. I pull my hair back with a goddess band in my golden tresses, so why in the name of Thor am I going to the four hour trouble of these ritualistic showering and shampooing and conditioning, shaving and lotioning and moisturizing and powdering and perfuming myself?

Most certainly the showering and shampooing I can not see myself doing without- but the rest of it is just mortal vanity. Again, I most certainly do not actually DO anything to make me perspire and become malodorous as I sit on my rapidly expanding Mortal posterior in a climate controlled office in front of a computer all day long. Hardly the thing a Valkyrie Warrior Goddess would warrant as remotely taxing.

I could certainly be spending my precious time doing other things; such as workouts and food prep to get this pathetic excuse of a mortal body back in top Goddess form.

Is it really worth it until there is something to make it worth my while? It is certainly fast losing it's shimmer for this Most High and Supreme Goddess.

What's A Goddess To Do?

This hasn't been the most wonderful of times for this Goddess.
A series of events has transpired to make this a hell on earth. Firstly, My mortal body  is giving me problems- the heart especially. It is beating in  rapid beats for a period of time- then skipping beats - recently until I actually blacked out.
I saw a physician and they are working to fix that problem.
Also- my medications have been changed in the past two months- and it has wreaked havoc with my human emotions. I'm crying almost daily, I get irrationally annoyed and sometimes even enraged at the slightest thing. I get my feeling hurt- over things that I laughed at two hours before.  My poor MM doesn't know which way to turn and I dont either in all honesty.
I've felt like I shouldn't inflict myself on him and maybe I should just go back to the states- but I cant bring myself to do that. I know it would hurt him and I dont think I could live without him. He is my rock, my heart, and my breath.
So what's a Goddess to do?
This Goddess has a plan.  I can put these unfortunate incidents to good use. The rage and annoyance I can put to going out for a walk/run/jog in the local area. I will have to be careful and remember to take my phone with me in case I have an incident and he needs to be notified, but I can make this work.  I will let the doctors advise me on the heart condition, but the medications are something Im going to insist on them getting sorted as soon as possible.
I need to find a hobby- and I need to find a friend to spend some time with besides my poor MM. I would rather spend time with him- and I would hope he would want to spend time with me- but if he is as irritated with me as I am with me- then it's best I make myself a bit more scarce. I'm thinking of the old axiom Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder.
Speaking of- I DESPISE my job. I'm going to get my resume sorted and I'm going to change jobs- as soon as possible- but no later than the end of the year.
And I'm going to get on with looking for us a new house. I'm ready for my forever house. I'm sick of the flat that I cant decorate the way I want to.

The car is sorted- I just need to get ME sorted and figure out how best to go about making me happy again.
If I dont like myself like this- I can hardly expect anyone else to like me as Miserable Molly either, now can I?

Invisible...

Today I cried.

Week before last I had a discussion with my husband and asked that we set one day a week aside to have some "us" time- meaning we make love. So that week we did. All last week I asked. one thing then another was the reason for us "not". Then I thought well  this weekend we have a long weekend- so I made sure to get 95% of the housework out of the way so we could have the rest of the weekend free. So Friday night he headed to the bedroom and I asked if he wanted to- and he said no. It was "too Late". I said "Oh FFS!!!" And I think he took offense.
Well I kinda took offense too.
So he hasn't had much to say to me all weekend.... a word or two here or there... but that's about it. So this morning, I slept in with him.... and when he got up- I asked him " Before you put on your clothes would-" and before I even finished the sentence he said No....grabbed his clothes, got dressed and went out the door for a walk. 
And I cried. And cried- and cried myself back to sleep.
I've always had a higher sex drive than him, but in the past couple of years it seems like he's less and less interested- unless HE's interested.
What is WRONG with me? I know I've gained a bit of weight- but so has he and I still want to be intimate. Is it because I'm getting older that he is becoming less interested? is it because HE's getting older he's losing interest? It's not because I'm not giving him opportunity- I'm forever flashing him boobs- and all he says is "Put them away..." and roll his eyes. He says it in a half joking kind of way- but it still hurts my feelings. And the way he said No and cut me short today just broke my heart.
In his defense- he did buy me a ..."toy" a couple years ago, but it's so damn boring. I dont just want fucking- I want the intimacy of the touches and the hugs and kisses and cuddles. I feel like we are growing apart and the more I try to get things back to the way they were the further away I seem to be pushing him.
I dont want to spend the rest of my life wanting something I'm not going to be lovingly given. I have a husband- and we should both be getting the things we need from this relationship. Not just doing cooking and cleaning and spending 99% of my time alone with no one to talk to. I talk to my daughter almost every night on Skype- I talk to my sisters and my mom and very occasionally my brothers- maybe twice a year. I have one friend here that I text every morning and occasionally in the evenings, but we only speak on the phone only once  or twice a year- and I love her like a sister. I speak to the people at work- when I have to- but with the exception of two people I dont actually have "personal conversations". I TRY to keep myself occupied- but I want time with him too.
While hubby spends his time gaming, I spend my time on FB and watching the idiot box and daydreaming of the days gone by when we would cuddle on the sofa- each doing our own thing but touching and knowing how much we mean to each other.

I feel alone. More alone than I have ever felt in my life.

I feel like I'm living on a deserted island and I can see the next island over and everyone there is laughing and joking and having a good time and enjoying their life. Things aren't perfect on the other island- but at least they have each other to go thru those  not so good things with.... Me- I'm just over here watching life pass day after day after day- waving and smiling as someone occasionally glances over and sees I'm there- always hoping things will get better and tomorrow things will be different.
Maybe things will look brighter tomorrow- or maybe not.
What does it really matter, after all?.....

Who's Fooling Who?

Well, today has certainly been an interesting day in the life of this Goddess on Earth.

I'm going to get a bit personal and hope that the beautiful ladies in question don't take it the wrong way.
First of all- I got a text this morning from a young Goddette relative begging for my help. She wanted to know the name of her father. Her mother refuses to give her the information and Goddette is beside herself. She had fallen in love and been asked to marry the man of her dreams- only he has the same last name as she does. She found paternity testing papers a few years ago and the results  said that the man she though was her biological father was indeed not. And so began the questions- and her mother's refusal to give a satisfactory answer.
Now- I could see Fellow Goddess not wanting to discuss details under certain circumstances- such as rape or incest or such- but even then, I still think Goddette(as would we all) deserves to know who her parents are if there is ANY way possible. But those rules do NOT apply in this case.  On and off for the past few years Goddette will put out a plea to her relatives begging for any information.
Today, I told her to ask a couple of people- beginning with the person she thought was her biological father. It turns out she already tried and he also refuses to even speak with her about it- or anything else. So I told her to try the second person- and in the meantime I will contact her Goddess-Mother and speak with her and try to convince her to tell Goddette the truth. It WILL eventually come out and as I said- I think she has a right to know. There are medical issues she needs answered plus she needs the information before she can give the mere mortal of her dreams an answer as to whether she can marry him. Goddette is close to 30 years old. Enough is enough. I am tired of hearing the child beg for information she should have been given- be it Gladly Given or Grudgingly Given.
My dilemma is the Goddess Mother is someone who is very near and dear to my heart- and I do not want this to come between us- and if I give Goddette the information she seeks, there will definitely be hard feelings- possibly irreparable damage to both mine and Goddess-Mother's AND to Goddette and Goddess-Mother.
On the one hand I feel I should let Goddess-Mother handle it as she sees fit- it is HER Child and her story to tell, after all.
On the other hand, I was in a situation where I found something and asked questions and was given answers- but I feel like it wasn't actually the whole truth- if at all. So I can feel for Goddette wanting answers she may never get about something that she should already know.

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Now for the second quandary.
One of my fellow Goddesses is moving house. she's recently received a golden opportunity for her career and she has taken it. She was stagnating at her former place of employment- I could see her withering before my eyes. She basically was running the company without having the benefits of
 the salary or the title. She was always running herself ragged putting out fires that upper management created and it was sucking the life and happiness out of her.
Now her new career path has put her in a place she loves- in a position she loves- but it's a long and dangerous daily commute. She's only been at it a few weeks but I can hear the smile in her voice and the lilt of happiness coming back. So, she has been looking at homes in the area- I think maybe it started out as just a lark, but she has actually found a place and has the keys and is moving house this weekend.
So what's the problem with that, you ask. Absolutely nothing. Except she was in a relationship. Living in. She is in bits this morning upset and she says they are working on the relationship and that they aren't splitting up- they are just living separately so she can get her head wrapped around everything and figure out what she needs in her life. She was crying this morning as she was packing to move- and still insisting that she and S/O arent splitting up.
I'm sorry my Sister-Godess is upset, but I think she is lying to herself- or trying to convince herself.
You can't move out of a home with your significant other unless you are unhappy and see it going nowhere.  Moving out is a last resort- and Sister-Goddess has tried everything else. Talks, couples counseling, arguments, pleading, everything and anything she has heard of to try and reverse this path they have been going down - in the wrong direction.
I know she cares for her Mere Mortal.... otherwise she wouldn't have tried as desperately as she did to get things back on the right path... but sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. If you are very very lucky, you can remain friends, but I honestly dont think it will happen in this case. I think they will try for a couple of months, but I think it's too broken and just seeing each other will remind them of everything that went wrong  and make it impossible to  maintain for long. I dont think her MM is right for her. He's a nice enough guy, but she needs someone who is strong enough to walk BY her, not in front of her taking credit for her hard work- and not behind her letting her take the burdens all on her shoulders while he stands back and waits.
In all honesty, I think he takes her for granted- and has used her to an extent- not intentionally, maybe.. but I think he needed someone strong to save  his company and with his background- I honestly think he wanted the strong mother figure he always wanted but never had with his own mother.
And I dont think it was one bit fair to Sister-Goddess to do so.
I know this is the right move for Sister-Goddess. I know she will blossom in the next year and spread her wings and FLY.  I just want her to know I am here if she needs someone to talk to- or just do something with. I'm Here For You.

DeStressing

Yes- As I spoke of in the last post- The mortal aspect of this plane is not in the best interest for this Goddess.

I've experienced a couple of very strange "episodes" with this mortal heart in the past few weeks. My heart will  beat really hard and straining for a few beats- then just completely stop for several seconds. I can actually feel myself slipping away- it's not painful- it's actually quite peaceful.... then, just before everything goes black, my heart beats again so hard it feels like my eardrums are going to burst.

I'm definitely going to speak with the doctor about it - if I ever get to see him.  I've had the appointment postponed twice due to an emergency situation come up with the doctor.

All I need to do now is just learn to de-stress. Let it go.

If something needs to be done- I have decided to just do it. No discussion, Just do it.
If I ask hubby to do something and he doesn't want to- no problem. I'm a big girl- I can do it myself. After all, if I was single and living alone I would just do it myself, wouldn't I?  So there you go. Why should I let anything a MM- or anyone else for that matter- does- or does NOT do- affect my emotional well-being?
It shouldnt.
And from now on- it wont.