I Am Goddess.
We should remind ourselves of this every single day.
It seems I have repeated past mistakes.
I recently was let go from my job. And I now find myself in a bit of a state because of my own stupidity.
When
the Mere Mortal and I moved here- we decided to have a joint bank
account- and when I got working- I went back and forth about whether to
set up a personal savings account or to just use our joint account... I
finally decided that I trusted him- and I would use the joint account.
Well
it worked- as long as I was working... we set ourselves a "spending
allowance" for the month and the rest stayed in the account. Some months
I used mine- some months I didn't- I figured it was a "savings " or a
"buffer" for the day when there was something I wanted or needed came
along.
Well, the day has come along- I was let go from
my job. Hubby sat down and added up all the bills that were
automatically taken out and paid each month- and what we had left over
to spend on Groceries and fuel for the car and such.
I
figured well, I'll have enough in my "buffer" that I can OCCASIONALLY
spend a fiver on something I want or need. Turns out that this isn't
the case- what I didn't spend during those years- is still considered
in the pot money.
Last night I told hubby I was going
into city center today to spend the morning looking for employment- and
afterwards Betty and I were going to visit the Christmas market to see
the pretty Christmas decorations- and his response was "DON'T SPEND ANY
MONEY!!!" Repeated like 3 more times too......Even after I said I wasn't
planning on it.
In all honesty- I had enough cash in
my pocket to use for the bus ride to City Center and (Literally)a coffee
and a chat before heading back home. And altho I TOTALLY understand the
need to save as much as we can until I get working again- just the idea
that I wasn't "allowed" to spend any of the money I MADE sent me over
the edge again.
I will NEVER again let myself get into
this situation. When I get working again- I WILL get myself a savings
account set up and MY "monthly spending allowance" will go into it.
Whether I use it or not- that amount will go into it.
I
dont think it would bother me nearly as much except since I lost my
job- hubby has been micromanaging every penny.... We stopped to get fuel
last weekend and I went in and used three scratch tickets to cash in
and buy me a drink and a bag of crisps for the ride home- he had eaten a
sammich at his parents house but I hadn't- he wanted to know to the
penny how much that had cost and reiterated he needed to know where
EVERY penny I spent went.
Meanwhile- every month he
shells out £30 on Vape juice for himself. I have spent a grand total of
£9 on myself in the past two months( I had an idea that I might lose my
job a couple of weeks before it actually happened so we started
tightening our belts then- just in case)..... I spent £7 on hair
coloring which I wont use until I have an actual Job INTERVIEW- and the
£2.11 for the Drink and Crisps- which technically doesn't count because
the scratch tickets used for those were bought months ago and had been
sitting in my desk at work til I cleared it out and found them on the
day they let me go.
He also gave me a five minute
lecture on what was a "luxury" item in the middle of ALDI when we went
grocery shopping together. It was a £2 pack of blueberries that would
have lasted me an entire week for my breakfast. Are you effing JOKING
me? Embarrassed is not even CLOSE to the way I felt being chided like I
was a 4 year old. A couple of days later- AFTER I FINALLY cooled off a
bit- I told him that was a disaster- and that if he gave me an amount of
what I could spend weekly on groceries every week I would spend no MORE
than that- and so far I have kept it £10- £15 lbs UNDER that amount. I
do the cooking- I know what I need to get to work with to be able to
feed us. If he wants to do the shopping- he can cook it as well. I
honestly dont think he realizes how badly it's making me feel to be in
this situation. During the time he was in the states just after we was
married, Not once did I tell him to get a job- or that he needed to do
more- or to not spend any money for anything. I made sure he was able to
talk to his parents- that he had internet- that if he had gotten a job
interview he had a way to get to it. And when there was spare money to
be had(which wasn't often but there were times it happened)- I split
whatever was left over with him. No finger pointing- no acting like I
was "Lady of the Manor" simply because I was working and he wasn't- just
us working it out together with no guilt trips.
Any-who,
my point is- once again I let myself put my independence at risk by
being stupid and not protecting myself by having anything separate- I
put my heart and soul into trust-instead of protecting myself with that
one tiny thing that would make me feel like I had individual & sole
control over one thing in my life. And so-once again- I feel powerless.
No-
I ALMOST feel powerless. What I really feel is anger that I let myself
down- that I lost my independence in lieu of being a couple. Couples
absolutely should share- but they should also have something that is
uniquely their own.
I know what I have to do to get my
power back- I need to find a job- get money coming in again- and get
myself a buffer set up for myself. And remind myself there are always
options if I am not feeling comfortable with any situation.
I Am Goddess.
Friday 23 November 2018
Saturday 22 September 2018
I AM GODDESS
The time has finally arrived. There is a breaking point in everyone's life when you just cannot take anymore.
I am at that point.
Is it wrong that having been saddled with more work than one can handle- you finally give up? I believe I have reached that point. After countless relentless hours of giving all I have to it- I finally broke.
I've begged, I've pleaded, I've explained and discussed and it has gotten me nowhere. After almost breaking myself to the point of no return, I was called into a meeting with HR and with my team leader last week. They are unhappy with my unsatisfactory work. After yet again trying to tell them why my work is so unsatisfactory(not only to them but more importantly to ME) I got a PIP. (Personal Improvement Plan) and given until the 28th of the month to bring my performance up to speed.It's most certainly NOT going to happen. Not only did they deny me any relief, they told me my workload is going to increase again significantly.
And you know what? After the initial shock of it(I've only been fired once before and that was my very first job and because of a misunderstanding) and a good cry. I was strangely relieved after talking with my Mere Mortal Hubby.
He assured me that he understands what is going on and that he knows I have been quite unhappy(to put it mildly) in my work situation for a long while and that IF things go south and I'm dismissed, with his salary we can certainly survive until I can find other employment.
So, I have been applying for jobs all week. And will continue to do so. I'm not willing to put my health on the back burner any longer for a company who refuses to take into account the stress they are being shown, time and time again, and refusing to acknowledge.
I'm preparing, Not that I WANT to KEEP the job- as a matter of fact if they dont dismiss me next week at the review I will probably burst into tears and demand to know why NOT- they PROMISED!!! (Seriously, it is that BAD a situation with me now).
No- but because it's not right the way they are going about it.
I fully acknowledge my work is unsatisfactory- I've told them so and the reasons why. One person cannot do the job of 3 and our entire team is being required to do that.
But they cannot keep it up.
We are dropping like flies.
I just want it to be over and done with so I -so WE- can get on to better times.
I'm so DONE with this phase of my life and ready for the good to roll out the red carpet once again.
Times may be sparse for a while- but that is what makes us better, stronger- to be able to go thru the tough times and make it to the better times.
I will not be defeated.
I am at that point.
Is it wrong that having been saddled with more work than one can handle- you finally give up? I believe I have reached that point. After countless relentless hours of giving all I have to it- I finally broke.
I've begged, I've pleaded, I've explained and discussed and it has gotten me nowhere. After almost breaking myself to the point of no return, I was called into a meeting with HR and with my team leader last week. They are unhappy with my unsatisfactory work. After yet again trying to tell them why my work is so unsatisfactory(not only to them but more importantly to ME) I got a PIP. (Personal Improvement Plan) and given until the 28th of the month to bring my performance up to speed.It's most certainly NOT going to happen. Not only did they deny me any relief, they told me my workload is going to increase again significantly.
And you know what? After the initial shock of it(I've only been fired once before and that was my very first job and because of a misunderstanding) and a good cry. I was strangely relieved after talking with my Mere Mortal Hubby.
He assured me that he understands what is going on and that he knows I have been quite unhappy(to put it mildly) in my work situation for a long while and that IF things go south and I'm dismissed, with his salary we can certainly survive until I can find other employment.
So, I have been applying for jobs all week. And will continue to do so. I'm not willing to put my health on the back burner any longer for a company who refuses to take into account the stress they are being shown, time and time again, and refusing to acknowledge.
I'm preparing, Not that I WANT to KEEP the job- as a matter of fact if they dont dismiss me next week at the review I will probably burst into tears and demand to know why NOT- they PROMISED!!! (Seriously, it is that BAD a situation with me now).
No- but because it's not right the way they are going about it.
I fully acknowledge my work is unsatisfactory- I've told them so and the reasons why. One person cannot do the job of 3 and our entire team is being required to do that.
But they cannot keep it up.
We are dropping like flies.
I just want it to be over and done with so I -so WE- can get on to better times.
I'm so DONE with this phase of my life and ready for the good to roll out the red carpet once again.
Times may be sparse for a while- but that is what makes us better, stronger- to be able to go thru the tough times and make it to the better times.
I will not be defeated.
I AM GODDESS
Friday 27 April 2018
Just Desserts
This afternoon we sit here in my mortal abode- it's chilly and just a bit uncomfortable.
As he was reaching for the fleece throw, I asked the MM why he didn't turn the heat on. He said because it's expensive and the only reason he was cold was because he had just walked home in the cold rain from the dentist appointment. I thought about that answer- and asked him then why was I cold because I certainly did not walk from work home in the cold rain. He said that I was always cold and as an "American" I had no tolerance for mild discomfort.
I beg to differ.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact I may or may not be an "American". It has to do with the fact that I have lived my entire life in discomfort. Getting up before the break of dawn to build a fire in the heater or fireplace to wash and dry my hair before going out in the cold to stand and wait on the school bus to spirit me away to a school that was almost equally as cold first thing in the morning..... And so my little brothers and sisters could get up into a decently warm house(or at least a warm kitchen and family room) instead of shaking and shivering the 30 minutes while waiting for the fire to be built and the room to get warm. It comes from not having A/C most of my life- of sweating and being miserable in the heat and humidity of the Southern Summers. Of having to rely on a fan in the window to pull in a bit of whatever air was outside to at least get a breeze until we got ceiling fans for each room and of lying in the bed at night with our faces in the window because it was so hot at night in the summertime you couldn't breathe if you didn't.
It comes from the early adult lean years when every spare penny of my cash went to feeding and clothing my babies when we had next to nothing because of- circumstances. Of going door to door asking the neighbors if they needed any yard-work done and then working til dusk on my own while the babies played in the yard while I did it, because I needed to buy formula or diapers or clothes for my little ones because of-circumstances. Of buying pre-loved toys and making then like new for them for Christmas because I'd rather stay home with them and enjoy those precious moments making memories growing up than go to work and miss out of those moments and be able to buy a load of crap they wont remember when they grow up. Ask my kids what they remember about Christmas at our house- I've rarely heard them mention what they got except for just a couple of really special gifts- but they can tell you all about how things looked and smelled and sounded and how those things now remind them of their Christmases at home.
So no- it's most certainly not because I have no tolerance for discomfort- it comes from deprivation and hardships and struggle- and now that I am older and able to pay for the creature comforts- I fully intend to have them and never deprive myself of them again.
I've earned it- and refuse to have it any other way.
End Of.
As he was reaching for the fleece throw, I asked the MM why he didn't turn the heat on. He said because it's expensive and the only reason he was cold was because he had just walked home in the cold rain from the dentist appointment. I thought about that answer- and asked him then why was I cold because I certainly did not walk from work home in the cold rain. He said that I was always cold and as an "American" I had no tolerance for mild discomfort.
I beg to differ.
It has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact I may or may not be an "American". It has to do with the fact that I have lived my entire life in discomfort. Getting up before the break of dawn to build a fire in the heater or fireplace to wash and dry my hair before going out in the cold to stand and wait on the school bus to spirit me away to a school that was almost equally as cold first thing in the morning..... And so my little brothers and sisters could get up into a decently warm house(or at least a warm kitchen and family room) instead of shaking and shivering the 30 minutes while waiting for the fire to be built and the room to get warm. It comes from not having A/C most of my life- of sweating and being miserable in the heat and humidity of the Southern Summers. Of having to rely on a fan in the window to pull in a bit of whatever air was outside to at least get a breeze until we got ceiling fans for each room and of lying in the bed at night with our faces in the window because it was so hot at night in the summertime you couldn't breathe if you didn't.
It comes from the early adult lean years when every spare penny of my cash went to feeding and clothing my babies when we had next to nothing because of- circumstances. Of going door to door asking the neighbors if they needed any yard-work done and then working til dusk on my own while the babies played in the yard while I did it, because I needed to buy formula or diapers or clothes for my little ones because of-circumstances. Of buying pre-loved toys and making then like new for them for Christmas because I'd rather stay home with them and enjoy those precious moments making memories growing up than go to work and miss out of those moments and be able to buy a load of crap they wont remember when they grow up. Ask my kids what they remember about Christmas at our house- I've rarely heard them mention what they got except for just a couple of really special gifts- but they can tell you all about how things looked and smelled and sounded and how those things now remind them of their Christmases at home.
So no- it's most certainly not because I have no tolerance for discomfort- it comes from deprivation and hardships and struggle- and now that I am older and able to pay for the creature comforts- I fully intend to have them and never deprive myself of them again.
I've earned it- and refuse to have it any other way.
End Of.
Thursday 12 April 2018
The Tribe....
Have you ever thought about your "Tribe"?
The women who support you?Well, I say women- but guys included sometimes.
Think about it.....
I have my Tribe. A core group that is larger than I thought it was... women who lift me up and support me and I know should I EVER need them for anything- they would BE there. No Questions asked- if I asked- they would come.
My list started out with a core few.
My Mom
My Sisters: Tee M & Valina M & my SIL Doris.
My Daughter and Daughter in laws: Julie H, Kathy R, & Marie H.(Even tho Marie isn't with my son anymore- I know I could count on her.) My Grand daughters- I have 4. Alyssa, Audriana, Bella and Katelynn. My Nieces(I wont name them but there are several)
My Best Friends: Rhonda B & Lisa B.
Then the Circle widens........
My Sister Friends... The chosen ones who are like a sister to me: Cece, Kimmy, Terry Topcat, Lois, Suzie Q, Stephi, Karen M, Sarah J, Kiki, Terry B, and Jennifer K.H, Mary, Ann, Martha, Joan, Pauline, Kath, Sarah, Yvonne
And the circle widens again: Lynn x 2, Linzi, Kerry, Stacey, Hope, Dessa, Mary Ann, Tina, And RIP HellKat.
The Guys...... Hubby, Frank, Thomas, Charlie, Edward, David, Anthony, Michael, James, Chris K, Chris B, TJ, Devon, CJ, Richard, Glenn, Bob x2, Dooley, Harry, RIP Clayton & Daddy
Okay, so that is my Core Tribe. the people I KNOW I can count on to be there when I need then.
61+ Strong-(since Daddy, Clay & Kat isn't here to participate but they are always in our hearts looking out for us.)
62+ if I count myself.
Now- That seems like a lot of Tribe, doesn't it?
Yet, that's not even close to my whole tribe.(& I know I left a few out- on purpose because they are more private than the rest of us.....)
Think of it. Each one of those people I named has their own core tribe- and each of those has their own core tribe.
How many tribe members do I have now? Thousands.
Its the ripple effect. The Circle widens with each person added.
You dont realize how very blessed you are til you think about it!!! You cant let those people down- and you have to be there to back them up when the call comes too.
That's a Lot of Love, people.
The women who support you?Well, I say women- but guys included sometimes.
Think about it.....
I have my Tribe. A core group that is larger than I thought it was... women who lift me up and support me and I know should I EVER need them for anything- they would BE there. No Questions asked- if I asked- they would come.
My list started out with a core few.
My Mom
My Sisters: Tee M & Valina M & my SIL Doris.
My Daughter and Daughter in laws: Julie H, Kathy R, & Marie H.(Even tho Marie isn't with my son anymore- I know I could count on her.) My Grand daughters- I have 4. Alyssa, Audriana, Bella and Katelynn. My Nieces(I wont name them but there are several)
My Best Friends: Rhonda B & Lisa B.
Then the Circle widens........
My Sister Friends... The chosen ones who are like a sister to me: Cece, Kimmy, Terry Topcat, Lois, Suzie Q, Stephi, Karen M, Sarah J, Kiki, Terry B, and Jennifer K.H, Mary, Ann, Martha, Joan, Pauline, Kath, Sarah, Yvonne
And the circle widens again: Lynn x 2, Linzi, Kerry, Stacey, Hope, Dessa, Mary Ann, Tina, And RIP HellKat.
The Guys...... Hubby, Frank, Thomas, Charlie, Edward, David, Anthony, Michael, James, Chris K, Chris B, TJ, Devon, CJ, Richard, Glenn, Bob x2, Dooley, Harry, RIP Clayton & Daddy
Okay, so that is my Core Tribe. the people I KNOW I can count on to be there when I need then.
61+ Strong-(since Daddy, Clay & Kat isn't here to participate but they are always in our hearts looking out for us.)
62+ if I count myself.
Now- That seems like a lot of Tribe, doesn't it?
Yet, that's not even close to my whole tribe.(& I know I left a few out- on purpose because they are more private than the rest of us.....)
Think of it. Each one of those people I named has their own core tribe- and each of those has their own core tribe.
How many tribe members do I have now? Thousands.
Its the ripple effect. The Circle widens with each person added.
You dont realize how very blessed you are til you think about it!!! You cant let those people down- and you have to be there to back them up when the call comes too.
That's a Lot of Love, people.
Sunday 4 February 2018
Continuance...
It is now into the second month in the current year of this realm.
I am indeed getting back to my Valhallan roots, so to speak, but the journey back is proving to be a rather all uphill trek.
There are treacherous pitfalls all along the way. Birthdays, Holidays, *Jobs*, "Medical Conditions" and above all- Time.....All the trappings of the Demons that hunt me and my fellow Goddess Sisters along our journey as we battle our way back to our Eden-to Our Beloved Valhallan Roots.
I wont let it stop me tho. They can come at me all they like- I am a warrior. The Best of the Best. I have been trained with The Almighty Goddesses I call my Sisters- and together we stand- fighting together as one. Granted- we fight from different regions in this Realm- but we fight knowing our Sister-Goddesses are out there fighting the same battles and just knowing so makes us fight harder to be reunited some day.
Every day brings a new battle- a new foe- and every day we change our tactics and plan a new battle strategy accordingly.We will not ever Give Up- We will not Surrender.
We are Goddess- and soon we will Rule Supreme in Valhalla again.
I am indeed getting back to my Valhallan roots, so to speak, but the journey back is proving to be a rather all uphill trek.
There are treacherous pitfalls all along the way. Birthdays, Holidays, *Jobs*, "Medical Conditions" and above all- Time.....All the trappings of the Demons that hunt me and my fellow Goddess Sisters along our journey as we battle our way back to our Eden-to Our Beloved Valhallan Roots.
I wont let it stop me tho. They can come at me all they like- I am a warrior. The Best of the Best. I have been trained with The Almighty Goddesses I call my Sisters- and together we stand- fighting together as one. Granted- we fight from different regions in this Realm- but we fight knowing our Sister-Goddesses are out there fighting the same battles and just knowing so makes us fight harder to be reunited some day.
Every day brings a new battle- a new foe- and every day we change our tactics and plan a new battle strategy accordingly.We will not ever Give Up- We will not Surrender.
We are Goddess- and soon we will Rule Supreme in Valhalla again.
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