A Very Hard Day....

Sharing a very personal part of my life with you all from August 2007. I dont feel like a Goddess today. Please say a prayer. 

Elena xxx

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This was hard- I hardly know where to begin. I want to get this down because I have it fresh in my mind and as soon as i finish this I will be going to sleep and sleeping for a couple days at least. I don't want to forget any of it and if I go to sleep I will not remember a lot of it.

Clayton was on his way home from work Sunday Morning about 1 am and swerved to avoid a deer ,as far as we can figure out. Clay loved to drive fast anyway, but this was on a straightaway in the road and he didn't just lose control unless it was either to avoid an animal or because there was a mechanical malfunction.

He swerved, went off a 6 foot drop on the other side of the road, bounced across the driveway, and his front end caught on a barbed-wire fence which made the back end flip over and the car end-over-ended about 50 yards. Clay was catapulted out the back window another 150 feet further on into the field.
He was killed instantaneously, either in the car when it was flipping or when he hit the field.

I was awake on the computer when we got a knock on the door....at 2:30am...never good news.
My DIL Kathy was standing at the door with a pillow- I thought... their air-conditioning has messed up and they wanna stay the night...or the kitchen caught on fire or something.
I smiled and asked her to come in.....and then I noticed it wasn't Clay in the car following her, but her mom. My heart dropped. I asked where Clay was- what was wrong?
Kathy's mom answered that Clay had been in an auto accident that morning about 1AM. I said OMG- What -where is he- meaning what HOSPITAL he was in........and she replied crying that he didn't make it.
I went to the floor on my knees screaming NO_NO_NO....NOT MY BABY.....It's NOT TRUE- It's JUST A DREAM........and it went on for about 20 minutes.
Paul held me while I was screaming hysterically and sent Kathy and her mom to the living room to sit while he dealt with me.
Kathy was in shock and couldn't deal with telling anyone else- the announcement was going to be on the tv news at 6-in less than 2 hours, so I told her Paulius and I would notify everyone else- she could go home and rest because the next few days were going to be tough ones and she had to think about the baby and her health.
First we went and told my eldest son- then we all rode the hours drive to my daughters home to give her the news. They were expecting something about their grandmother- not even a clue it was about their baby brother.
The mortuary worked for an entire day to "fix" him so we might be able to have an open casket ceremony. He was horribly swollen on the left side of his face and neck- his skull was crushed and his right side was terribly bruised, make-up camouflaged it somewhat, but you could still see the damage pretty badly. It hardly looked like my baby boy.

Kathy was a trooper- she knew where all the policies were- how much she had to spend on a funeral, what music to play, what flowers she/he wanted....everything. My mom donated the actual plot nearest my daddy's so they could be together....Clayton was his namesake.

Okay, so the arrangements made, we had to wait two days to see him. It broke my heart.
we had to make them un-tuck his shirt and we re-arranged it so it looked like Clay...then we unbuttoned hid shirt a couple buttons.
When we were finally happy with the look about 50 people had shown up- mostly family who live in the area and happened by. So there was an unexpected mini-viewing.
After that we went home.

Next day was the planned viewing......literally HUNDREDS of people showed up for his visitation. The child/man touched so many lives. I don't think he had an enemy in the world.My friend Terry was there- and helped Paulius with me when I had the first of my panic attacks. I saw people who I hadn't seen for years.

There were two rooms FULL of flower arrangements sent.

Let me take a moment to thank everyone who sent either an arrangement or a card.They were all lovely and I know he would have loved then too.

Now before I go on- I want to tell you about another thing that happened....I couldn't sleep, so I got up about 4am the day of the viewing and went to the bedroom straightening up. Well, I found a Mothers day card from Clayton and Kathy and I read it and sat on the bed and cried and cried.When I went to put the card back in the envelope, I was crying about why couldn't' I find my engagement ring and the first piece of jewelry the boys had pooled their money and bought be....a gold charm that say I love you Mom. I had looked for the past two years for that jewelry, and Paul did as well.
Well, the bottom dresser was open about an inch, so I went to push it shut, and heard a clink.That dresser has been empty for over a year.
So I opened it up and there in the top of a cookie tin, was the ring AND the charm.
So of course I was over-joyed.
So after finishing cleaning the bedroom I turned on the computer. I looked thru the recent documents and was just so overwhelmed that Paulius had left me two of the sweetest poems to easy my grief.

One was this one-

-=- REMEMBER ME -=-



I never meant to leave you,
Could I have only stayed;
We would be going on in life,
With all the plans we made.

Now all the hopes and dreams we shared,
Are but sweet memories;
For you to tuck inside your heart,
Now when you remember me.

Remember all the good times, And all the joy we shared;
Remember how you touched my life,
And how I really cared.

Think back on all the laughter,
And wipe away your tears;
You still have many miles to go,
And still have many years.

Don't look back....look forward, This day is a brand new start;
And as you travel on in life,
You'll take a bit of my heart.

I never meant to leave you,
But still you'll not be alone;
For as long as my love lives in you,
I'll never really be gone.
The other was this one...

He Only Took My Hand

(author unknown)

Last night while I was trying to sleep,
My son's voice I did hear
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.

He said:"Mom you've got to listen,
You've got to understand
God didn't take me from you, mom
He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that night,
The instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
And pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and pain.
My body was hurt so badly inside,
I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.

I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever,
But my spirit will never die!

And so, you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time.
Just understand-
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand.

Paulius didn't put them on our computer.
I think my baby boy was trying to send me and his grieving family a message.

Now for the Funeral today.My cousin Stacy did it and did a WONDERFUL job of it. I thank her from the bottom of my heart. It shows the depth of love my family has for one of them to do that. I will be eternally grateful.
The family car picked us up and all the way up we were talking about some of the stuff Clay used to pull on everyone.
When we got to the Mortuary, we were in a calm mood. Kathy went in first and has a few moments with him alone. Then me and his side of the family got to go in. I went first. I pulled back the veil they had draped over the casket and rubbed his head. His hair had been buzzed the morning he left for work so it was about the same length as when he was born. I rubbed his hair/head and leaned in to talk with him for a while. I told him I know he didn't leave us by choice, and I thanked him for the poems and for the missing jewelry. I told him I love him with all my heart and I would gladly give my life a thousand times over for one last hug and kiss and to hear his sweet voice call me sweetie one last time, or if he could just be back with his family again.
So then I pulled back the veil and kissed his forehead and as I was rubbing his head, I sang Amazing Grace to him like I used to do when he was a baby and he was taking his nap. It was the only way he would go to sleep and sleep peacefully.. I then kissed his head and forehead about a dozen more times, told Him I would always love him and he would always be in my heart and thoughts, and told him sweet dreams before kissing his head and cheek one final time.
God knows It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do to walk away from him knowing I would never see his sweet face again for the rest of my life.
I don't think I could have dealt with it had I not taken a double dose of the sedatives before arriving there.

The casket went to to chapel, we followed. Kathy, her mom, Me, My daughter Julie, and my sister were front row.
Julie kept looking back at her bio-dad and I knew she wanted him up there with her. So I asked my sis to get him to come sit beside Julie. I wanted to be with my husband anyway. I told Julies Fiance to come up and be with Julie and I completely broke Southern Funeral Protocol by leaving the family pew and squeezing in between my oldest son and my husband in the Pall-bearers pew. You should have heard the gasps or surprise.
I didn't care. I needed my husband and my son needed me as well.
Anyway, There was a sermon, a couple prayers, and the songs in between were: Amazing Grace-sang by a friend of the family who has the voice of an angel. Then came, Jesus Take the Wheel, and then a song I didn't recognize but was one of Clays faves. Then there was a memorial where anyone who wanted could come up and say a few words about Clayton. I was so proud of my family.
First ,Clays mom in law came up and said a few words. Then My eldest son Frank did. Then Paulius did. Then my Daughter. Then my sister came up and read the "He Only Took My Hand" poem in my stead.

There was another prayer and then as they took his casket down the aisle, They played my requested song- In The Arms of The Angels by Sara McLaughlin.
We filed out and were driven to the cemetery. After a short service we were told it was time to return to the family car. And Kathy refused to go.
She was adamant to stay until he was actually buried in case he was still alive.
We ALL lost it then and we had to talk a half hour to convince her it would NOT be a healthy thing to do. We reminded her that she had to think about the baby and we promised as soon as the burial was finished she could come back- and the boys all stayed there to make sure he was buried properly and that he wasn't still alive. My son Frank actually made them open the casket one last time to make sure all the mementos were still in there with him and that he could honestly tell Kathy they checked Clay and he was really, truly, gone.

After that we left and went to the accident site and my two cousins sang Go Rest High On the Mountain and we had a prayer there before going back to Kathy's Moms home for lunch.
After an hour Paulius and I went back and I sat and cried for about 20 minutes and talked to Clay one last time. I got a trio of rose-buds from our flower arrangement and the baby-blue bow. I told him if the baby was a boy, I would use the bow as the "It's A Boy" bow for the mailbox.
I told Him if he wanted or needed to talk to me to come to me in my dreams- we can be together as often as we want there.
And then we came home and I took a couple more sedatives and decided while waiting for them to take effect I would write all this down so I don't forget anything important after I sleep.

As for the mementos left were a Memorial shirt with Clay's and Cody's(his dog)photo on the front. A huge amount of letters to him, pictures of his car, the sonogram of Clay and Kathy's unborn baby, a Pack of Newport Ciggies, a lighter and single ciggie in his hand, a RNR tee shirt, and a free pass to Platinum Plus- the local high dollar strip joint.
My daughter laughed about that one and said"Bubba I hate to tell you but there is no Platinum Plus is Heaven" and I told her "Well, Maybe not in YOUR heaven"...I highly suspect that Heaven to Clayton, had Kathy, Their Baby, a whole car-lot covering acres and acres of pimped up cars that were his and he could drive anytime he wanted(and Paulius gave him a blank key so any car in heaven could be started with it), and a Plat-Plus that was open 24 hours a day.
I'm exhausted guys...I think I will go sleep now for a couple days...........Maybe I will see my baby there and be able to give him that one hug and hear him call me "Sweetie" again.

Again, thank you all for all the thoughts and love sent our way this week. You have no idea how much it has meant to us.

Musings....

Well.........

I am sitting here this morning sipping on my mandatory cup of morning coffee in my cosy warm bathrobe after my morning workout.

What started off as what I was sure to be a disastrous weekend, I'm contemplating what a lovely weekend it has turned out to actually be.

3M and I somehow got roped into house/dog sitting the mutts again on our long holiday weekend while his parents went off to see their granddaughter some 300 miles away.  Last time, I swore I wouldn't do it again- my back absolutely KILLS me after a visit to their house where the Queen Bee has chosen the most uncomfortable furniture in the entire universe for her house.

The bed isn't bad, tho....nice and soft(mostly due to us buying a memory foam topper for the mattress when we was living there..... even tho it's only a double instead of a king sized....to be expected tho in a guestroom only used occasionally........- so there IS a saving grace to the visit.

Anyway, I had planned to bring my photographic gear with me and do a photo shoot of one of my friends who lives in the area, or even just go and do a bit of street photography, but every single time its called for rain and I brought it, it actually rained, o I didn't bother this time. It wasn't beautiful weather- it rained or sprinkled - but it was nice off and on. Oh well, next time.

3M and I went to town Saturday Morning and we had lunch with my sweet sister Goddess. We talked about work, we talked about friends, we talked about food, we talked about shoes.

That's something that gets me sometimes. Both my Sister Goddess and I are American and both of us have Brit 3Ms. I envisioned us having dinners together out....couples nights in with us playing board or card games with sis and I sharing a bottle of wine and the 3Ms downing their ale/beers as Brits do.

But here's the thing....Our 3Ms- they have the same common interests......both are bona fide geeks....both love gaming, both like beer(my 3M isn't a BIG drinker however- couple times a year out with a group of friends or the occasional beer/ale while he is playing his games on the console is about the extent of it.....oh- and Thanksgiving and Christmas).....both have American Goddesses to contend with......
BUT- altho they like each other- they both would rather have their ME time when Sis and I get together.

And that's fine. It's just that I was hoping for more......ah well......Sis and I deserve some Girl time. And as long as we can all hook up for Thanksgiving Dinner I can live with that.

I can't live with not seeing my sissy, tho. I am going to have to have a girlie day with her more often.

So, yes....we will be making a date to go into Liverpool to have a day of shopping and lunch and girl talk.
I love having a bezzie I can walk arm in arm with as we stroll shopping and talking. She is as much a toucher as I am... I do NOT like being touched by people I don't know very well, but the people I am close to and trust- I love my hugs, and pecks on the cheeks, and random touches. I know they wont lead anywhere I don't want to go.
Yes, I have been hurt. A Lot.

Anyway,......

Traditions. I had a few. I'm trying to incorporate a few of them back into my life here in the UK..... but dang it is HARD!!!

Okay, Like this is a few of them.....

CHILI WEEKEND
.....The first Saturday after the first FROST of Autumn I make a big pot of chili and invited the family over. Everyone knew to expect the Pot of Chili, with Grated Cheese and Frito's Corn Chips. You could have coffee, Sweet Iced Tea, Some Sort of Cola, or Hot Chocolate with it. Over here, I'd probably add Beer to the beverage menu too sine everyone likes it so much. Dessert? .....S'mores or toasted marshmallows over the bonfire that night. Done Deal.
This is one I am READY for this year!!

HALLOWEEN FANCY DRESS
........EVERYONE required to dress up. Only restriction was that you couldn't dress like a slut- Kids were there, keep the coochies and nips covered Ladies.
The house was dressed to the nines, skulls and spiderwebs abounded.....So did jack-o'lanterns. You could bring your own carved pumpkin to the party if you wanted to show off your carving skills. We had Green  or red  punch (Spike your own-again, kiddies there so no spiking the bowl),,,we had creepy cupcakes, and griied Hot dogs and burgers....sometimes it the timing was perfect- we had the Chilli Weekend and the Halloween Party the same weekend...Just added the cupcakes and punch and decorations to the menu for the Chili party. Didnt happen often tho.....

THANKSGIVING DINNER
.......when the kids were little- we would all go to my Aunt and Uncles house- very formal-china dinnerware, silver, crystal stemware....big HUGE table seating about 20- the kids table in the kitchen(big huge greatroom so everyone was still in the same room technically)...but as the kids grew up- we started doing dinner at my moms house- and then after my dad passed away- I took it over at our house even tho it was quite small. Dinner was always, at all the places,The hostess made the Turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and rolls....everyone else brought a couple of dishes that the womenfolk worked out amongst themselves- and every family had their favorite dessert which they brought.
When it got to me taking over, I had daughters in law who didnt have a clue how to cook, so I ended up making almost all of it myself. I didnt mind- the kids usually brought the plates, napkins and such as that to keep me from having to clean up and as the years went by- and they learned a few dishes, they began bringing dishes themselves. My Adaughter had Thanksgiving Dinner at hers the year I left for the UK......
We have always had a policy that if you know someone who is displaced for the holiday- you are more than welcome to ask them along. There isnt a Thanksgiving I can remember that we havent had extra people come to dinner. And we have always had more than enough food to share- and send home with everyone.

I always bought my Christmas tree the day before Thanksgiving...I set it up in the "bucket" stand the night before to let it "fall out". Thanksgiving morning I would put the turkey in the oven, then get to work putting the lights and garland on the tree. I always put first the multi-colored lights on it.........Then I added the white lights.......always twice as many white lights. That way, if I wanted an "adult Tree" I plugged in only the white lights. But if I was in the mood for a playful tree or the kids were there, I plugged them all in. The white lights really made the colored lights dazzle!!!

So then, after Thanksgiving Dinner, everyone decorated the tree with their ornaments and drank eggnog.  Yes- Just like Alice on Day of Our Lives, I had special ornaments for each member of the family.
 While dinner was going on- we always had the Christmas Yule Log on the TV....... and afterwards, we would put on a Christmas Movie for the "kid"s to watch.
I would spend the next couple of weeks changing the placements here and there so it was just perfect- but I tried very hard to leave the special ornaments where they had been placed.
Done Deal.

CHRISTMAS EVE/DAY
........This was always a toughie..... If we did Christmas Eve-which was rare- everyone came over, we had a very light meal...turkey or ham sammiches, chips(crisps), sodas, eggnog, cookies and cakes......snacky-finger foods. The kids opened gifts then everyone left early cause NO ONE wanted to miss Santa or rather have Santa not stop at their house cause they wasnt in bed!!! YIKES!!!!!

........Christmas Morning, I got up early, turned on the tree lights, then set about making brunch. I would always have Biscuits, or rolls, with bacon or ham, scrambled Eggs,  fresh sliced tomatoes, Sawmill gravey, southern fried potatoes and Orange Danish Rolls. The kids would arrive, we would exchange gifts or eat breekkie and then exchange gifts. And then everyone left pretty early after because the kiddies wanted to play with their gifts back home.

The kids always got three big gifts when they were growing up....One they WANTED/ASKED Santa for, One they needed, and one Surprise.Then I always gave them a book and a couple of other really small gifts too. Sometimes I would give one or the other of them a KERPLUNK gift. Thats a smaller gift, wrapped and placed in a bigger box and wrapped, and repeated at least four or five times. ....Our record is 13 boxes. Hahahaha!!

Did you ever have something that just made it FEEL like it was Christmas? And if you didnt get it- it seemed like kind of a let-down?
Mine was three things.........Thin Mint Chocolates(sort of like Andes Mints or After 8's after dinner mints- or mini Peppermint Patties),.......Chocolate covered Cherries- the really INEXPENSIVE ones, not the liquor center ones- altho those are what I get now)...and Christmas Socks.

Anyway.......That are the traditions I cherish......the Autumn Winter ones.

This post just kinda totally got away from me. Not what I sat down to type out. But sometimes that happens. You just gotta go where they mind takes you.

Much Love,
Elena xxx

No More....

I'm Going to have a bit of a pity party today.

 It's been a hectic few weeks here in Valhalla. I've been trying to keep myself busy by ordering a few items from the states for Halloween Treats and Thanksgiving Dinner.

I've also been using  my new elliptical cross trainer I bought from one of the girls at work who had gotten bored of it and started using it as a clothes rack.
Not in MY house it won't.

Despite my workouts, I'm gaining weight. I know that it's probably just muscle gain, or possibly fluid retention, but it is really frustrating. No worries, I'll keep at it.

I'm hoping to get to see one of my best friends this weekend. I haven't seen her in what seems like MONTHS instead of just weeks. I miss having my girly Goddess chats with her and talking fashion and sex and life. I think she is my soul sister.

I was toying with the idea of going back to being a redhead since it's autumn, but just as I was about to take the plunge, I had a nightmare about going back red and it turning out horribly wrong. So I'm taking that as a sign that now is NOT the time to  make a change- I always listen to my dreams. Always.

Today marks the seven year anniversary of the last time I saw my youngest son alive. I had been out to my main office of the company I worked for at the time- and on a whim I called my son and asked if he was busy and if not- could I come by and have a short visit before I had to get ready to go to work that evening.
He said he and his wife wasn't busy, they was just chilling and watching TV and that I was more than welcome to come and visit anytime. So I went up.

I went in and sat down in his chair. He was on the sofa with his wife and he had his head in her lap. Every once in a while, while we were chatting about this and that, he would reach up and touch her tummy and then look at her and smile.
Three weeks before, they had found out they were expecting their first baby. He was tickled, and amazed, and a tiny bit worried about being a good dad. He needn't have worried, he was a natural with the little ones.

He looked over at me and told me, "Mama, you gotta get rid of that Christmas stick(an artificial slim tree I had bought a few years before when I moved into a smaller place -and the kids all HATED it!!) and have a REAL tree again. Now that I'm having a baby, I want MY kids to know what a REAL Christmas is like we had when we was little. We didn't have a lot of money, mama, but somehow you always made Christmas special to us....the smells, the lots of little gifts that didn't cost a lot but was always wrapped in the prettiest wrapping and looked like magic under the tree.........always a real tree, too- even if you couldn't see much of it for all the ornaments and decorations on it!"
And I laughed and told him okay- from now on we would have that real tree again and Christmas would be like it was when he was little.
I looked a my watch and realised that it was going to be close getting home and changed and then to work on time if I didn't get a move on.
Just as I was getting up, his phone rang and he answered it. It was one of his friends needing help with something. I waited a couple minutes, but had to leave- so instead of giving him a big hug and kiss like I usually do- and him- he gave GREAT bear hugs-I caught his eye and blew him a kiss and told him I'd see him Sunday- He and his brother planned to spend the day together, first stopping by my house before heading down to his sisters house-who he had talked to on the phone but hadn't seen since Easter with their schedules the way they were..........I would get my hug then.

I walked out feeling a bit unsettled, but told myself to stop being silly. He was being himself- helping someone who needed his help, and I was just being a selfish clingy mama wanting to go back and insisting on my hug and kiss. I had never left one of my kids before without that goodbye hug and kiss- EVER.

I went to work that night....then came home and was off Friday night and Saturday night and Sunday night....my long weekend off.
Sunday morning early- as in 4AM early, as I worked nights, me and my husband were up watching TV and playing on our computers, and we heard a car in the driveway. My first thought was  "What in the world....."so I went to the door. I saw my daughter in laws car. I saw her getting out and her mom getting out from behind the wheel. I thought, oh my goodness, their air conditioning was on the fritz and they wanted to spend the night....obviously I wasn't thinking straight because her mom lived in a HUGE two story house less than two miles from them- why in the world would they be wanting to spend the night at my house?....but  that was just me being blond.

They came in and I looked out the door waiting for my son to come in- but apparently he was coming in his car. I closed the door and asked my DIL where my son was- how long he would be. She was holding onto a pillow with a blank look on her face.....pale....lost. Her mom spoke up....I thought she said "They was in an accident, Elena.".........I was shocked and thought "OMG- he's in the hospital."
I hugged my daughter in law and asked her if she was okay-
and she said "I don't know."
I reached for my shoes in the hallway and asked "Where is he? What hospital did they take him to? How  badly is he hurt?"........

My daughter in laws mom said-

"He didn't make it, Elena. He's gone."

The world stopped turning.
I turned and looked at her and asked.."What did you say?" and she reached over and touched my arm and said "He's gone. I'm so sorry, Elena."

I called out my husband's name and then the screaming started. All I could say is Not My Baby. No. Not My Baby.

I collapsed into the floor and my husband held me until I...................stopped screaming? I don't remember much after that- just bits and pieces......I know he helped me into the living room where Jennifer had taken her little girl-my daughter in law.

She still looked shell shocked. And there was more family to tell.
After about an hour, I told Jennifer to take her little girl home and make her go to bed. She needed the rest for the days to come and she could not lose the baby- the bit of my son he had left us with. My husband and I would go let his brother and sister know. We didn't have long, it was going to be on the 6AM news in an hour.
We first went to my sons house- he lived just a couple of miles from us. I had to knock on the door and then their bedroom window before they finally woke up and came to the door. I gave him the news and he was devastated. He and his brother were 9 months apart- more like twins than just brothers.
I asked if he could please come with us to tell his sister.  So he did.

I was trying to hold myself together on the drive...it was a good 45 minute drive away. And when we got there, it was the same thing. We had to knock on the door as well as finally on the window to get them awake and to the door.

We went in and delivered the news to her and her fiancee. She was equally as devastated at the news.

And today- as I sat in work- it just popped into my head...."I should have went back and got that hug and kiss."
Out of nowhere....and then I realised that it was the Thursday before his Angelversary. Technically, the seventh anniversary of the day I last saw him, talked to him, heard his voice....and saw his smile.

I went to my car in the middle of the workday and completely broke down crying. I texted my sissy, she tried to comfort me- but being at work she wasn't able to give me but a couple of minutes, which I totally understand.

I texted my husband asking could he please come out and give me a hug-and he was too busy to even pick up his phone to read a text.

I was struggling and I don't think I've ever felt so alone...in a building full of people-in one of the biggest busiest cities in the world, I was on a deserted island with only sand around me. Not even a single solitary tree for shade.

I cried for an hour.....had my little breakdown.
Then I dried my tears, went back in and washed my face- plastered a fake smile on my face- went back to my desk and finished up the day.

I may feel like lying down and curling into a ball and hiding from the world- but I don't have that option.

Life Goes On, but the pain of losing a loved one never goes away.
Take my advice, don't ever NOT say goodbye or not tell someone you love them. Never go to bed mad at someone.
There really is a for the last time for everything.

I
Am
Strong.

I
Am
Goddess.

*Goddess Eyebrow*

It has been one of those weeks-for the past couple of months.

This Goddess is sitting back contemplating her life and has come to the conclusion- it's over and done with- Let It Go. (This Goddess would also like to point out that she DETESTS that song- never sing it in her presence or there is a large probability that you will know the feeling of being smothered by a pillow.)
 (She would also like to point out that this post is going to be all over the place because that's how scattered the past couple of months has been, and she has a few things that she needs to get out and none of them can really be meshed together. But she will try.)

 This Goddess has rocked some hair and makeup this weekend. Since my bestie left town for a better life, I've been slacking off with the girlie things on a daily basis. It's to the point I only pretty-up a couple times a week and on Saturdays when 3M and I go out into town for the day. I've been depressed as now BOTH my bezzies live withing 5 miles of each other in the town I moved FROM two years ago. I miss my girlie chats. I miss comparing outfits(altho one of my girlies and I still do via text- it just isn't quite the same- but will have to do for now.) I also miss my sister hugs. I think I've said before, but I just don't have enough human contact. I always thought I wasn't a big touchy-feelie kind of person, but that was when I was home where I had brothers and sisters and my parents and my kids and grand kids and a dozen friends that touched me almost every day. A pat on the back, a hug, a quick peck on the cheek. SOMETHING. Over here, I have 3M. And being a Brit- and brought up in a family that defo isn't very touchy feelie I get a kiss when we get to work, a hug when we come in from work and at bedtime, and  to give him credit- he does reach over and caress me when we are watching TV in the evenings... be it my leg, my hip, my thigh, my arm, my hair. He also is big on hand holding when we are out walking around on our weekend walks... He does his part, but I definitely regret buying the sofas we bought when we moved into our flat. We used to have a large sofa and we would sit at each end and put our feet towards each other and read or watch movies. Or we would lie on the couch spooning and watch movies or TV shows together..... But the stupid couch we bought is a Cinema seating one....basically, three recliners with armrests and cup holders between the seats. Lovely for watching TV and movies, but I damn well hate the thing because we can't cuddle on it anymore. I miss that and it can't be replaced soon enough for me.  Next one we get is going to be a huge sectional sofa so we have seating for us AND company.
I digress. At work I'm doing better-if certain people would let me DO what I'm supposed to DO and let me get on with it. I'm sick to death of being given something to do and then being given 15 other things to do and all of it is priority. I cannot live with this kind of chaos in my daily life. I feel as tho I'm ready to explode any minute. 
On a personal note at work, the guys I work with have finally decided to accept me. They have come to realise they don't have to watch every word they say around me and if they cuss or complain, that's as far as it will go- I'm not going to tattle on them for complaining- nor and I going to file a harassment suit against them for treating me like one of the guys. But even with being treated  like one of the guys comes pitfalls. I'm accepted by them, but I am not ONE of them. And my being accepted by them does not put me in good stead with the girls who are STILL stand-offish and snooty. I don't really care about the girls- I don't like their two-faced, backstabbing , catty attitudes anyway. So- still the outsider.
Anyway, Ive also gained weight again!!! I feel so out of control of my life right now. I will lose a bit of weight- then gain it all back. Lose, then gain. Lose, then gain.....I have got to take control back. In EVERYTHING.
Some how-some way.
I need to just sit back, take a long look, re-evaluate, make a plan and DO it. Don't get sidetracked by anyone or anything.
The good news is- as long as I have my medallion my friend, Ash, sent me on, I seem calm. Actually, I AM calm. I feel the emotions boiling up- but that's as far as it goes. It's kind of like an out of body experience. I can see and feel whats going on inside me, but it's like a dream- it doesn't feel real, it doesn't HURT. Like I have shut off the emotion altho I know whats happening. I'm not explaining very well. All I know is that medallion is a lifesaver. Not just for me- but for everyone around me.
I know in my heart this is just a phase of my life I need to figure out. It will pass. I am strong. I can rise above it and I will come out on top.

I Am Goddess

 Elena xx