No More....

I'm Going to have a bit of a pity party today.

 It's been a hectic few weeks here in Valhalla. I've been trying to keep myself busy by ordering a few items from the states for Halloween Treats and Thanksgiving Dinner.

I've also been using  my new elliptical cross trainer I bought from one of the girls at work who had gotten bored of it and started using it as a clothes rack.
Not in MY house it won't.

Despite my workouts, I'm gaining weight. I know that it's probably just muscle gain, or possibly fluid retention, but it is really frustrating. No worries, I'll keep at it.

I'm hoping to get to see one of my best friends this weekend. I haven't seen her in what seems like MONTHS instead of just weeks. I miss having my girly Goddess chats with her and talking fashion and sex and life. I think she is my soul sister.

I was toying with the idea of going back to being a redhead since it's autumn, but just as I was about to take the plunge, I had a nightmare about going back red and it turning out horribly wrong. So I'm taking that as a sign that now is NOT the time to  make a change- I always listen to my dreams. Always.

Today marks the seven year anniversary of the last time I saw my youngest son alive. I had been out to my main office of the company I worked for at the time- and on a whim I called my son and asked if he was busy and if not- could I come by and have a short visit before I had to get ready to go to work that evening.
He said he and his wife wasn't busy, they was just chilling and watching TV and that I was more than welcome to come and visit anytime. So I went up.

I went in and sat down in his chair. He was on the sofa with his wife and he had his head in her lap. Every once in a while, while we were chatting about this and that, he would reach up and touch her tummy and then look at her and smile.
Three weeks before, they had found out they were expecting their first baby. He was tickled, and amazed, and a tiny bit worried about being a good dad. He needn't have worried, he was a natural with the little ones.

He looked over at me and told me, "Mama, you gotta get rid of that Christmas stick(an artificial slim tree I had bought a few years before when I moved into a smaller place -and the kids all HATED it!!) and have a REAL tree again. Now that I'm having a baby, I want MY kids to know what a REAL Christmas is like we had when we was little. We didn't have a lot of money, mama, but somehow you always made Christmas special to us....the smells, the lots of little gifts that didn't cost a lot but was always wrapped in the prettiest wrapping and looked like magic under the tree.........always a real tree, too- even if you couldn't see much of it for all the ornaments and decorations on it!"
And I laughed and told him okay- from now on we would have that real tree again and Christmas would be like it was when he was little.
I looked a my watch and realised that it was going to be close getting home and changed and then to work on time if I didn't get a move on.
Just as I was getting up, his phone rang and he answered it. It was one of his friends needing help with something. I waited a couple minutes, but had to leave- so instead of giving him a big hug and kiss like I usually do- and him- he gave GREAT bear hugs-I caught his eye and blew him a kiss and told him I'd see him Sunday- He and his brother planned to spend the day together, first stopping by my house before heading down to his sisters house-who he had talked to on the phone but hadn't seen since Easter with their schedules the way they were..........I would get my hug then.

I walked out feeling a bit unsettled, but told myself to stop being silly. He was being himself- helping someone who needed his help, and I was just being a selfish clingy mama wanting to go back and insisting on my hug and kiss. I had never left one of my kids before without that goodbye hug and kiss- EVER.

I went to work that night....then came home and was off Friday night and Saturday night and Sunday night....my long weekend off.
Sunday morning early- as in 4AM early, as I worked nights, me and my husband were up watching TV and playing on our computers, and we heard a car in the driveway. My first thought was  "What in the world....."so I went to the door. I saw my daughter in laws car. I saw her getting out and her mom getting out from behind the wheel. I thought, oh my goodness, their air conditioning was on the fritz and they wanted to spend the night....obviously I wasn't thinking straight because her mom lived in a HUGE two story house less than two miles from them- why in the world would they be wanting to spend the night at my house?....but  that was just me being blond.

They came in and I looked out the door waiting for my son to come in- but apparently he was coming in his car. I closed the door and asked my DIL where my son was- how long he would be. She was holding onto a pillow with a blank look on her face.....pale....lost. Her mom spoke up....I thought she said "They was in an accident, Elena.".........I was shocked and thought "OMG- he's in the hospital."
I hugged my daughter in law and asked her if she was okay-
and she said "I don't know."
I reached for my shoes in the hallway and asked "Where is he? What hospital did they take him to? How  badly is he hurt?"........

My daughter in laws mom said-

"He didn't make it, Elena. He's gone."

The world stopped turning.
I turned and looked at her and asked.."What did you say?" and she reached over and touched my arm and said "He's gone. I'm so sorry, Elena."

I called out my husband's name and then the screaming started. All I could say is Not My Baby. No. Not My Baby.

I collapsed into the floor and my husband held me until I...................stopped screaming? I don't remember much after that- just bits and pieces......I know he helped me into the living room where Jennifer had taken her little girl-my daughter in law.

She still looked shell shocked. And there was more family to tell.
After about an hour, I told Jennifer to take her little girl home and make her go to bed. She needed the rest for the days to come and she could not lose the baby- the bit of my son he had left us with. My husband and I would go let his brother and sister know. We didn't have long, it was going to be on the 6AM news in an hour.
We first went to my sons house- he lived just a couple of miles from us. I had to knock on the door and then their bedroom window before they finally woke up and came to the door. I gave him the news and he was devastated. He and his brother were 9 months apart- more like twins than just brothers.
I asked if he could please come with us to tell his sister.  So he did.

I was trying to hold myself together on the drive...it was a good 45 minute drive away. And when we got there, it was the same thing. We had to knock on the door as well as finally on the window to get them awake and to the door.

We went in and delivered the news to her and her fiancee. She was equally as devastated at the news.

And today- as I sat in work- it just popped into my head...."I should have went back and got that hug and kiss."
Out of nowhere....and then I realised that it was the Thursday before his Angelversary. Technically, the seventh anniversary of the day I last saw him, talked to him, heard his voice....and saw his smile.

I went to my car in the middle of the workday and completely broke down crying. I texted my sissy, she tried to comfort me- but being at work she wasn't able to give me but a couple of minutes, which I totally understand.

I texted my husband asking could he please come out and give me a hug-and he was too busy to even pick up his phone to read a text.

I was struggling and I don't think I've ever felt so alone...in a building full of people-in one of the biggest busiest cities in the world, I was on a deserted island with only sand around me. Not even a single solitary tree for shade.

I cried for an hour.....had my little breakdown.
Then I dried my tears, went back in and washed my face- plastered a fake smile on my face- went back to my desk and finished up the day.

I may feel like lying down and curling into a ball and hiding from the world- but I don't have that option.

Life Goes On, but the pain of losing a loved one never goes away.
Take my advice, don't ever NOT say goodbye or not tell someone you love them. Never go to bed mad at someone.
There really is a for the last time for everything.

I
Am
Strong.

I
Am
Goddess.