Contemplation.....

I'm going this weekend to my salon to get a hair revitalization.

It's the one of the things about this world I do not like.
In Valhalla I always looked picture perfect. Hair never out of place, face on to perfection, my figure perfect and my wardrobe immaculate.
When I decided to come to spend time on this world, I consented to taking on human form and all that came with it..... I did not realize that my hair would become limp and lifeless without certain procedures being done to it on a regular basis.... I also didn't realize that I would enjoy human nourishment quite as much as I do. My figure has become rounder and softer and not at all to Goddess standards.  I have found that I must wear concoctions called "cosmetics" to have the flawless perfection of skin  and the soft red lips and quiet blush on the cheeks  that came with no effort whatsoever. Here, I must "do" and "pluck" my brows to obtain the perfect arch I was born with in Valhalla. I see wrinkles  and brown "age spots"creeping slowly onto my body- especially my hands -and can you believe I'm being punished for smiling with a thing they call "Crow's Feet" which are creases at the corners of my eyes!?!
  Imagine the absurdity of being punished for laughing and smiling and being happy!!!

This world is a brutal place- especially for Goddesses. The Mere Mortals do not seem to fare nearly so badly. They do seem to acquire the wrinkles and such, but somehow it seems to reward them with better looks as the aging progresses. Altho the look can in no way, shape, or form be called Youthfully Handsome- there is a mature ruggedness or at least they become the epitome of Aged Wisdom.
I suppose there has to be some type of reward for serving their Goddesses so faithfully all the years on earth tho. It seems it sucks the life out of Goddesses and breathes it into the Mere Mortals.

It just doesn't seem fair and I'm trying my best to reverse the havoc this world is wreaking on my body. I'm making small bits of progress, thru a thing the mortals call "dieting and activity" but there are days when I contemplate rescinding  my consent and returning to the perfection of my home in Valhalla. I just think of that as a last resort- someday I will return- and I will have all my perfection and glory back, but I am determined to see this  journey thru to the end...if it doesn't kill me first.

An Epiphany

It's sad when you realize you really don't have one spot in your entire home that reflects yourself enough to make a video where you are comfortable.

We have collections of toys throughout our entire home. Star Wars, Doctor Who, Star Trek, Other things I dont have a clue about because it's mostly all the husband's collections.

I have two things in our home that I can personally say reflect me and me alone. One is my dressing/vanity table.  Two small chests of drawers on  each side with a beautiful, long Ashe wood board made specially for it by my father in law. He not only found the wood for it- he put a lovely decorative edge around it and then sanded and waxed it down, too. It's just set on top on the two chests and I use my old office chair(VERY comfy too) for the chair/bench for it. I have my perfumes, my hair accessories, my makeup and my jewelry on it along with a few of my wedding photos and our wedding invitation and announcements that I framed because they are just too beautiful to not display.

The other is my gray corduroy and black leather oversized oval reading chair. I need to do something about that thing too. It's the perfect size and shape for curling up with a good novel on a dreary day, but the seat cushion in it is atrocious.  It's just hard and lumpy and not terribly the most comfy chair to do said curling up with a novel. And at the moment it's just stuck in a corner taking up space.......so I need to find a new cushion foam for it so it's both comfy and beautiful.

So- having said that, I need to do a bit of restructuring when my hubby goes to his parents in a couple of weekends. He freaks out when I do any redecorating when he is here, so I just wait until he does a house-sit weekend for his parents and by the time he gets back it's all done and he doesn't have to see the chaos that goes on to get things looking that way.

So until I can create a space to do a video for my other blog, that idea will be on the back burner until the last Sunday this month. Only a couple of weeks away tho.

In other news......

The new eating plan I told you about a couple weeks or so ago......  Fast & Feast Eating Plan.

It isn't a diet really...it's an eating plan. There  are very few rules. You Fast alternate days and are allowed 500 calories. On your Feast Days you eat whatever you want- trying to stay within a 2000 calorie  limit.  On my first week on it- I truly FASTED on the fast days. I'm one of those people who would rather not eat anything than have a little bit of something. If I ever eat anything I'm starving for the rest of the day, so I knew that eating a salad or sammich  just wouldn't work for me on fasting days. So I stuck with just a cup of coffee at the three meal times, and water in between.

I lost 1 lb the first week. That was fine. I knew I wouldn't lose a great amount because I had trouble getting my 2 liters of water down on my fasting days. Water does NOT taste nice after drinking a cup of coffee. And if I don't get two liters of water down a day, the scale doesn't budge.

Anyway.....so the second week I switched things up a bit..... I fasted on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I Feasted on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday and had a One Meal Half Fast on Sunday with the meal staying between 700-800 calories. Saturday is the only day I truly allowed myself to Feast and have a treat of a few Fig Newtons with my evening coffee. The other two feast days I cooked and ate my usual healthy food options. My "treat" those days were having a cup of coffee with a spoonful of sugar in it as dessert. Everything tasted so much better on my feast days after fasting the day before. It's like my taste buds were reborn!!

And the second week I lost 1.4 pounds. Which is also fine. I didn't put this weight on overnight, so it won't come off overnight either. And if I continue to lose at this rate I will still lose over 50 lbs in a year. And I'm happy with that.

I'm hoping to wedge a bit more exercise into my routine as I have joined the ranks of the PokemonGo fanatics. The only catch is I have to go walking when the sun is low in the sky because of the glare on my phone screen. That's fine with me, too. I'd much rather walk later in the day so I can unwind and relax from the stress of the day at the office. We will see if it impacts my weight loss at all in the next week.

Apologies- I realize I have been going on a lot about my weight loss lately. It just seems to be what I'm focusing on lately in my life. I promise to not turn this into a weight loss blog. I will have other things to talk about in the coming weeks. My trip home in a couple months..... Autumn coming up.....my videos for the other blog.

The videos, by the way, are a personal challenge. I've always been painfully shy around strangers. Also, having been told I was NOT very photogenic and would do better as a runway model when I was a teenager doing a bit of modeling and thinking of making a career of it, kind of scarred me for life and made me super critical of any photos I am in. So by opening myself up to doing a vlog once a week is WAY out of my comfort zone.  And probably why I'm procrastinating by using not having a decent spot to do it as an excuse to build up my confidence a bit more.

*Blinks*
Huh....that was a bit of an epiphany.
Goddess Attitude must be in need of a reboot.

So until next time.........

Elena x

Decisions & Choices

Goddess Elena has a choice/decision to make. And it is a HARD one.

1) I can go home this Thanksgiving BUT
I'll only have enough money to pay for my flight and have about $200 dollars to spend while I'm there.......


Pros:
 I'll get to go home sooner and see my family earlier than I thought. My moms health is going downhill fast and I will defo be able to see her while she is still able-bodied and mostly with it mentally.

Cons:
I wont have money to go out or do any of the things I want to do the week I'm there. I literally will be there stuck in the house having to depend on everyone to feed me and take me wherever I want to go.



2) I can wait til NEXT Thanksgiving.

Pros:
I'll get to go home for the same amount of time, but be able to save money up so I can do Christmas shopping for everyone so they have Christmas under the tree from Nana AND I can bring something fabulous home for hubby from my visit. I'll be able to lose more weight before going so I look and FEEL fabulous while I'l there. I'll have more freedom to do what I really want to do on my visit.

Cons:
With my mom's health like it is there is about a 50/50 chance her mental and physical health will deteriorate before my visit since it's 17 months away. 17 months is a LONG time when you are homesick and haven't been home in two years.


Goddess Elena's Heart is torn. Help! I need to decide soon.

Hard Truths

There comes a day in every Goddess' life when she has to face some hard truths.

For me it's these. I may not feel this way tomorrow, or in the next hour even, but now, I do.

Altho I am strong- and have live thru shit I never thought I would ever HAVE to live thru- I am fragile. I crave human touch more than anyone else I know. And sometimes I feel so alone in this world because of it.

I moved halfway around the world for several reasons.
One was because of a situation  I knew in my heart would make me end up having to choose between two people who mean the most in the world to me- along with one other. One I could not give up because they are flesh and blood- the other because would not give up the man I love.
Another reason was because I was losing my sanity. I had lost a child- an adult child, but no less, my child, and I couldn't live with the memories staring me in the face all the time.
I had reached the point I wanted to pull my hair out and run screaming from the room...or the house- and finally- the world.
All the pressure was too much. I was broken- and when my husband asked if I was serious about considering moving to his country- I jumped at the chance....my last chance.

I do not like these silences. I am alone all the time. In the office, I dont really talk with the people there- I have nothing in common with them except where we work. They are mostly all young singles who have other lives. I dont want to go out and party with them. If we do go out occasionally with some of the MMs workmates- it always, without fail, turns into a  bitch session about work and I fucking hate that. I dont particularly like my job...it's boring, repetitious, and stressful and I'm overjoyed when the workday is done. I dont know how my friend does it as she is married to and works in the office with the company owner(different company tho) and still goes out with the lot of them to the pub for a night out. I just cannot do it.

I feel like I'm wasting what little is left of my life. Going to work I hate, coming home, cooking while hubby is doing stuff on his computer in the back room, then after eating- usually while my soaps are on and he is watching videos on his laptop on the other end of the couch, we remain so until time for bed. Then, do it all again the next day. On weekends, it's more of the same with a sprinkling of household errands thrown in for good measure....and about every other weekend we go out to have a lunch together and a visit with his parents in a neighboring town.
We never go out just for a bit of a day out ride- MM hates to drive. About once every couple months or so we go to a dinner and board game night with MM's workmates- and again- it usually turns into a bitch session about what's going on at work.

I tried going to the gym- Hated it. Hate going where there's a load of people you dont know and getting all hot and sweaty and ignoring each other.
I need a hobby. I do photography- but the last time I went out on a photo walk on my own it was a disaster with me somehow ending up breaking my foot in 3 places- on level ground and in trainers no less and not being able to get MM on the phone cause, guess what- he had his headphones on playing a game and didnt hear the phone going off... I had to walk back home on that foot and I was almost a half mile away.....so now I'm having a bit of trepidation about going anywhere alone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is- altho I love it here. I dont like the circumstances. I want a full life. I want to be cuddled, and I want to go see places and do things with the man I love. I dont want us to be like that couple in the restaurant....just sitting and eating- not looking at each other- and having nothing to talk about. I want us to  do things together and talk and laugh together.

I hate the sound of silence.

We dont even try to make plans for the future. Nothing concrete anyway- it's all very vague. I'm the type person who wants to discuss what we want for the future and then try and figure out at least a somewhat solid timeline for making those dreams come true. Not this someday- or we'll talk about it later- closer to time. How do you know what you are going to need if you wait to closer to time and you have mis-estimated what you thought you would need? Then those plans have to be put on hold AGAIN while you regroup. Wasted time.

I get so frustrated about it all I just end up making everything worse.

What am I going to do to turn this around?........ how do I FIX my life?

 

I Am Goddess.

Okay, so it's been a while.  A good few weeks.

I'm still working towards my weight loss goals.

I had a long few months of problems....Knee injuries,  a tumble down stairs,  stomach issues and a constant headache for months.  I've had tests and more tests and more tests and hopefully most of the issues have been settled in one way or another.

So all thru this I've still been eating thoughtfully....not totally healthfully, mind you, but mindful of how often I have treaty type things and how often I eat healthy food. Trying mostly to follow the 80/20 Plan.  It's kept me maintaining my weight, mostly, but not so much helping me along my journey to weight LOSS.

Hubby and I have been on holiday for the past 8 days and have two more days off too, so I've been able to both get back in the swing of cooking and eating healthily and at the same time having a treat now and again....and when we come off holiday Tuesday morning it will be back to a stricter regime.

I've been doing my workouts in front of the TV while hubby does his recording and live-streams for his YouTube and Twitch channels, and today- when I reached the 44 second mark on my plank....one second off from my goal..... My elbows just wouldn't let me go any further. I realized then I needed a bit more softness to go any further in my workouts....some of which require elbow and knee work and on a hardwood floor that just won't be happening.
So I went online, did some research and asked hubby to order me a 15mm thickness yoga mat on his Amazon Prime account so I can have it tomorrow. No fuss, no muss.

I'm also going to be eating salads from our local  cafe near work....One, I get a workout ie walk albeit a short one- and two I'll be eating healthily and not be tempted by all the yummy things at the supermarket... ie the Krispy Kreme display box at the entrance AND exit of it. Damn them all.

Especially when this week they're coming out with a Nutella glazed one. Again....damn them.

Krispy Kremes are my absolute downfall. I can sit and eat a dozen....or two. That started when I was expecting my first son. My ex would disappear all weekend( starting of Friday nights) and my neighbor would come over and keep me company while he was gone. First thing on Friday evenings we would get in her car and go to the donuts shop and buy a dozen plain glazed....a dozen blueberry filled, lemon filled and custard filled... and another dozen bear claws, cinnamon buns and Cinnamon twister sticks.

We'd get all the gubbins for burgers and hotdogs and we would swim in our pool and shoot pool and watch movies all weekend when it was rainy out.
She made the loveliest hot dogs too- okay, I'm stopping that.

Anyway, so yes- We're back on the wagon again. And since my goal is 1 lb a week loss I can easily do that.
I will not be defeated by my weaker inner self. I am stronger than that. I can and WILL conquer.

Goddess Goals.

*I can't wait to be able to walk in heels again without fear of breaking my ankles with my weight.

*I can't wait to wear my 50's style wiggle dresses...or what's now called a Body-Con dress.

*I cant wait to have my mere mortal look at me with appreciation . He's NEVER seen me at my ideal weight and I think he will be quite pleased.

* I can't wait to be able to go for a walk or a jog or a run and my joints not throb.

* I cant wait to see the little rolls go away.

* I can't wait to wear all my lingerie again. The suspenders and little satin and silk and lacy things.

* I can't wait to be able to go into a shop and buy new jeans and look at myself in the mirror and not cry.

* I cant wait to see my bit of a double chin disappear....completely.

*I cant wait to be able to wear a top that might or might not show a bit of tummy and back and not make me cringe.

* I cant wait to be able to get up from a chair or the bed without it feeling like I'm lugging a body out of the quicksand.

*I cant wait to be able to feel like I'm stunning again.

*I cant wait o be able to cuddle up with my Mere Mortal or to sit in his lap for more than 15 seconds without feeling like I'm going to break his legs.

*also I cant wait to have my Mere Mortal pick me up and carry me without being afraid he's going to throw his back out.

*I cant wait to wear Mere Mortals dress shirt and nothing else....and feel good about it.

* I cant wait to buy the new leather outfit my Mere Mortal has promised me when I reach my goal weight.

*I cant wait to buy a swimsuit that I dont have to be ashamed to be seen in without having a Mumu on top of it.

I can't wait.

A Gentle Reminder

Goddesses do not give up. They persevere. They set their sights on a goal and they battle their way to it. If they are knocked down...they shake it off, get back up, take up the battle ax and start swinging again as they fight their way up the mountain.

That pretty much sums up my life for the past few months.

I have a problem....I fight it. I fall down. I shake it off. I get my ass back up- and I fight the fight again.

Til the next  next problem comes along. Shampoo, rinse, condition, rinse....repeat.

Weight Loss....Homesickness....Headaches that are constant....old injuries that interfere with my activity for weight loss..... My son and dad's passing......By daughters housing problems....My other son's problems......... my mother's downhill slide into Alzheimer's........my loneliness and the desperate need for human touch. 

It's a vicious circle that just keeps on attacking from a different angle every time hoping to bring me completely down and out.  But I keep getting back up.

Because it's what Goddesses do.
We hold the power. We hold the key in ourselves. 
We do not give up. We may have to sit a spell and regroup- but we do not give up.
We battle on.
and ultimately.....
In the end....
We Are Victorious.

It's My Party....

I reminded hubby beginning tomorrow it's MY Birthday week....then informed him that he would be providing our evening meals and doing the cleanup after.
He said NO way- I said yes Indeed...
He said I was going to be very surprised- I said HE'S the one going to be surprised.
He takes the entire week off for HIS Birthday week- AND I cook and clean for him that week, too. He does nothing except chill and relax that week. I even order the grocery shopping to be delivered so he doesn't have to drive(which he HATES doing)- and I take a taxi/bus to and from work so he doesn't have to go out to take me and pick me up from work during that week. How hard can it be for him to pick up a £10 ready-meal at Tesco (since he already goes there for lunch every day)and then pop it in the oven for four days????.....And that's a Main, a Side dish, a dessert AND a bottle of wine.

Anyway, we'll see how it goes.


Am I doing anything special? Not really, per se. I'm taking the day before(24th) ...the day of(25th)....and the day after(26th) off. Then with the weekend it will be a 5 day holiday for me.

I am doing one thing constructive(?) thing. While Hubby is at work Wednesday I'm clearing out the back room and setting up my Vanity/dressing table. I'm sick to death of all my cosmetics and skin creams and hair accessories being scattered all over the house like they are now. So it's time to fix it. I can't really do it when he's home because my method of organizing drives him mad. I basically take everything out and put it in the proper places, rather than one thing at a time-ing it.  It looks like a tornado has went thru until the very end when I gather all the excess faff and dispose of it. And when someone come in and starts freaking out over the way I do it- I just get frustrated and upset and walk away so it doesn't get finished til I'm in the mood again.

The house is pretty much messed up now- There's a very good reason for it tho.
As you all know I did my makeover a month ago. Well, it was fab for the first week, then my hair rollers arrived and I set it myself. OMG- old lady frizzy perm hair is the only way to describe it. I've had to keep it pulled back into an Alice Band for the past two weeks because of it. SOOO not good. I thought, well, it's early days. I just need to keep on trying. Practice makes perfect and all that rubbish, you know. So I have used different methods....wet hair, dry hair, towel dry hair- mousse, gel.....you name it- I've tried it. It always ends up frizzy in the end.
And I have gotten more and more and more frustrated as time has gone on.
Finally, I said NO MORE ROLLERS. I knew I had a curling iron somewhere in the house, but as I hadn't used it since moving here almost 4 years ago, I hadn't a clue WHERE it was- just that it WAS here ...somewhere. (Lord, I detest that word- My mama's standard answer when you asked if she knew where something was, was always "Of course I do. It's here.....somewhere." And that was as far as it went. You found it yourself or it stayed lost.
Anyway, In the past week, I have turned the house pretty much upside down searching for that curling iron. And finally- yesterday afternoon- I found it.
Thank the Lord. Now I can put my hair back to some semblance of the style I wanted. So now all I have to do is rearrange a few items of furniture- then gather up all the faff and dispose of it. The biggest chunk of time will be setting up the particulars of the Vanity table. I haven't quite found exactly what I want for the top yet- but I have something that will work(I hope) til I get my final piece of the puzzle.This is what I'm modeling my table after-
 

My chests are light birch wood tho- and I want a maple- or cherry  or black top for it. Makeup stains wont show nearly as bad on a darker top than that white shown in the model.
I also have a sweet black padded office chair to use instead of the tufted bench seat.
 so yeah...That's what I'll be doing the day before my Birthday.

On my birthday, I'm having my Bezzie down and we're having a Goddess Day Out to peruse the charity/vintage shops to see if we can score some sweet fashions- (Her clothing and accessories/Me handbags and accessories)and  then lunch before heading home. We haven't had a good face to face in over a year and I miss her!!! I'm SOOOOOO looking forward to it!

Then Hubby is taking the day after my Birthday off and  we're spending a long weekend together.
 Perfection!!!

Then on the following Monday, we have the sammich swap at work and I'm bringing in my Birthday Cake for that.
And then, Beginning Mach 1st thru April 1st....I have a Blitz planned. As free for all as  The past few months have been, March will be back to being as dedicatedly healthy as I possibly can be.

So- That's it so far.
I'll let y'all know how it all works out as we go along!

I Am Goddess.

Well, Hello everyone!!!

Last weekend I wrote a huge big post about what was about to happen this weekend and just as I was about to hit save and publish, my laptop crashed and I lost it all. I was NOT a happy camper to say the least- so I'm going to attempt to re-create it in a more condensed (maybe) version.

So for the past 7 months, when I hit my last weight loss goal, I've been working on THIS weekend.
I promised myself on the last weekend of January I was going to transform myself. I was going to get to my NEXT weight-loss goal (still 3.5 lbs away from that but the show must go on regardless- a promise is a promise, am I right???!!),  I was going to change my hairstyle, I was going to have a whole new wardrobe, and I was going to start wearing makeup again. I modeled a bit in my teens but when I got married and started having babies, the make-up was the first thing to go when time and money started getting tight. But no more. Daily from now on.

As I was saying....Over the past 7 months I've been buying a new article of clothing-(mostly tops because I can wear them with my basics of trousers and capri pants and skirts). I buy an average of one new piece every couple of weeks. I deserve it. I'm buying the things in the size I am now- but I have a sewing machine and I'm making sure it's clothing that I can easily alter to fit me as I continue to lose more weight.
For the past 10 years I've worn mostly black. I lost my daddy and just as I was coming out of mourning clothes for him a couple of years later, I lost my son, Clay. I was back in the mourning colors again and there I have been until just recently. My new clothes have a pop of color to them.... I'm still buying a few things in black-(Never goes out of style and looks so elegant)- and in black and white prints, but I have quite a bit of bright reds and blues now too. Tans and rusts are in there and I also bought one top that is a cream with pale blue and lavender floral print- sort of orchid or lily ish...... I also have a couple of pinks...- and I FINALLY- after months of searching- found a beautiful classic sleeveless chiffon cream pussycat bow blouse that I LOVE!!!!!
I also bought two new pairs of slacks for work and two blazers....one the classic length- and one a longer more "cover my derriere" completely length one that will be perfect for wearing with leggings and  such.
I have a Military brass button style dress that I will wear as a tunic top instead(it's too sort for a dress for my taste and style)...... and I have two classic LBDs., only one is a LBD with a white panel in the front.  Love them both!!! And for those special nights out on the town I have a Red BodyCon dress with red trim that is certainly SMOKING HOT.

But enough about the clothes.

I've decided to go into business of Cosmetics. I'm now a presenter for the Younique line of cosmetics. I went thru my makeup last weekend and got rid of the outdated stuff and went back to a couple of basics with my new presenters kit. The kit now holds samples of all the products- and this is what my personal make-up case looks like now..... it used to be two cases like this FULL....

Presenters Kit......

  If you are interested in learning more, send me a message and I'll get back with you.

Anyway, so usually I look like this......

That's me in the office.

 And yesterday I went to my salon looking like this......

Oh, the damage I did to my skin lying in the sun when I was a teen!!!! My neck and chest caught the worst of it...I fell asleep sunbathing one day while my parents were at my grandparents house for the day and when I woke up it was almost dark and I was burnt. And when I say burnt- I mean I had blisters...that bled. Sun Poisoning. I'm lucky I don't have scars from that lapse of good sense, but it's bad enough as it is and no amount of skin care or creams and lotions will help it now. Lesson Learned.
This is the hairstyle I was going for.....

 ...but after trimming off all the damaged hair, my fringe(bangs) wasn't nearly long enough- and actually were way too short for my liking as you will see, but it's okay- she cut it into the style I wanted anyway and after the perm wave softens a couple of weeks and  my hair grows out a couple of months it will be more like what I envisioned. and I quite liked the result anyway.....

Very Hollywood......

See? Bangs not nearly long enough for the proper quiff, but it will get there....

Now after a while the bangs really started bugging me- so I grabbed my Alice Band and pulled them back- smoothed a bit of the curl down, put on my full makeup- and this is the result!!!

I LOVE IT!

All I need now is a wiggle dress or two- but that will be my reward for my NEXT weight loss goal!!! And I'm thinking I'm getting a jump start on that too since I'm doing the Sugar-Free February Challenge...shortest month of the year, yes...but it's also Valentines Day AND my birthday month, too!!! So maybe instead of chocolates maybe I'll get flowers this year???????

So what do you think?  It's all smoke and mirrors anyway. I'm still me under all that change.


I
AM
GODDESS

Elena xoxo