A Bit Nervous...

Yeah- things are going well, but I'm starting to get a bit nervous. For the first time in 5 years I'm below the 250 lb mark.

I'm eating more healthily, and more active thanks to my bezzie, Betty Rage!!!

Then why am I nervous? Because in the past I had an eating disorder. And when it first started I was doing all the right things. But slowly, over the course of a couple of years, I started getting queasy whenever I would eat too much- or when I ate something I considered a treat. And guess what has started happening the past few weeks?

Yup- exactly that. I usually cook, put a certain amount on my plate, eat half of it- and as SOON as I start feeling satisfied- I stop eating and my hubby finishes what's left on my plate. Lately, if I eat one bite over that- I start feeling queasy. If I eat out of my 12 noon to 8pm window-even by 5 minutes, I start feeling queasy. If I eat something I consider a treat- I start feeling queasy.  If I eat something fried in a frying pan instead of in the air fryer- I feel sick. I've even started feeling sick when I have a spoonful of sugar in my coffee. I will have to keep an eye on this because I cant let that line of  craziness back into my life. Lose weight yes, but healthily. Not drop down to 87 lbs- because this time there wont be a pregnancy to intervene and stop it in its tracks. I'm a bit past that now.

There is a fine line people with eating disorders in their past have to tread. And it's not easy to judge where that line is but this queasiness is exactly how it started last time.

I dont like talking about it much- because to me talking about it just seems to make me want to slip back into that way of thinking..... nibbling at my food, camouflaging my food so it looks like I have eaten more than I actually have... Feeling queasy and just going ahead and going to the bathroom to gag myself to purge the food I've eaten that- in my mind- is making me feel so horrible.  It really is scary to be always thinking about it and trying to be aware of it sneaking up on yourself again after all these years.

I just have to remember to eat and drink healthily- and I have a long long long way to go before I hit 87 lbs again.

Reclaiming My Goddess

Well,  there are worries.

Last night my mere mortal and i were talking and jokingly I asked a question. The answer I got was sobering.

Now I'm not sure if he was joking or serious- but it raised a bit of a red flag with me. I do not like being controlled, neither do I like secrecy. If he were to do what he stated he would, I would be packed and gone the next day.

It seems lately he doesn't want me touching or moving anything that is "his".  I dont have access to his phone- nor his computer- not that I want to go into either- I trust him and would never(and I have NEVER open mail addressed to him nor open packages delivered to him unless it has BOTH our names on it) but he has access to all mine so why not?

I love the man with all my heart and soul- but life has taught me that you cannot let anyone have total control over your life. And I never will let that happen again to me. He is already in charge of the finances until I get a paying job again- and I have to let him know if I order anything so he can budget for it. I have a set amount to buy the groceries every week- I have only went over once and I made up in savings the following week. I understand about we are on a tight budget, but then every couple of weeks or so he buys his vape juice and there are deliveries at least twice a month for things HE has ordered.  He balked at the idea of me getting a separate bank account for my spending allowance when I was working- and I rarely spent all my "monthly allowance"- so it stayed in the bank- usually his purchases ate into whatever savings I had made- as if we had it in the account there was no reason we couldn't spend it.
Well, when I get working again, I'm getting a separate bank account for my monthly spending allowance, regardless of if he likes it or not. That way I can keep better track of MY spending and personal savings.

I have allowed so many little things to slip either into- or away in this marriage because I love and trust him. But things need to be 50/50. I'm TRYING to get a paying job again- but even tho I am not paying- I am staying home and taking care f the household things- as much as I can with the restrictions I have.

I cant touch or move the electronics. I cant move his seat.(Shades of Sheldon, LOL). I'm not to mess around with his gaming computer or his recording equipment. I cant move his earplugs on the night table. I cant use his paintbrushes or paints(His are water colors anyway- I use acrylic and oils). If anything isnt able to be found by him it must be because I moved them and not because he did and put them down somewhere he doesn't remember.

We can only have loving time if HE is in the mood for it. I can ask/initiate, but if it's a weeknight- he's not in the mood because he worked all day(I totally understand this tho- his job IS stressful and doesn't put you in the frame of mind to make love- Of course there is the idea that lovemaking could take away some of that stress & frustration too.....but maybe that's just me that works like that). We only make love on the weekends- at night- No morning daylight sex( I understand this too kinda- My big ugly fat ass isn't what me married and signed up for.), unless it's 4AM and he's in the mood. Rarely happens, but occasionally- when I'm in a deep sleep and dont remember it til the next afternoon a vague recollection comes to me. The one or two times I've actually woken up there is no sweet talk- just a kneading of the boobie and a nudge on my butt. It's great when we make love- He is a fantastic lover- but that reality just makes the infrequency of our lovemaking so much sadder.

I've tried talking with him about these things- but he just somehow manages to turn things round to convince me that all these things are because of something I have done or created...or worse- it's just my imagination and a projection of things my exes have done and now I'm trying to project that onto him.
At first I was in agreement on some of these issues(mainly the trust/jealousy issues), but now I'm thinking but there is still no denying that he is doing these other little controlling things and it IS how it's making me feel -it's like deja vu- and I cant let it creep up on us until it's so bad we split up. All I want is a partner who gives and takes and stands by me no matter what is going on? I want to be wanted- not controlled. And I dont want to be walking on eggshells all the time either, nor do I want HIM doing it.

Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated?

Handy Ma'am

Okay- so maybe I've been going about this all wrong.

Maybe I need to set up my own shop, so to speak. I know how to do plenty of stuff. I have a lot of experience in loads of things other than office work. Matter of fact- office work is the least thing I have experience in. Mostly what I have done my entire life has been in the home raising kids or in the field as law enforcement in one way or another.
Maybe what I need to do is set myself up as a Handy Ma'am.  You know- go and do all the little things only women seem to know how to do.

*Clean an oven? Can do.
*Bake a cake? Can do.
*Deep clean a room? Can do.
*Organize a pantry or a room? Can do.
*Bake a cracking Mac and cheese pie? Can do. (My sister makes the best one, but mine aint bad.)
*Bake a Mile High Apple Pie? I'm your girl.
*Banana Pudding? - or any other Southern Treat- I'm on it!
*Clean your kitchen or bath? Give me a call.
*Rearrange your furniture to give you a fresh new look without having to buy new things? Here I am.
*Want someone to just come and spend an afternoon with your parent(s) so you can have a break? That would be me- I would love to meet some new people and most people over here are fascinated by my Southern accent when it's on full draw. I have 3 different Southern Drawls...one I use for the office, one I use for most people out of the office- and the real one I grew up with that generally only my family understands.
*Need a mediator for a squabble? I'm completely unbiased and will give you my honest opinion and help you settle it.(Lots of practice with children in that area.)
There are so many things I can do to make a person's life easier and bring in me an income at the same time.
If it's not illegal or immoral, I'm good to go.

I'm not even joking y'all. Would it work or not?

On Being a Dreamer- or Married to a MM Pessamist

I'm a bit depressed today.

I'm still looking for a job... buoyed by the fact I'm getting quite a few calls but all so far have been from companies looking for someone willing to relocate across the country(or commute- they aren't fussed which) or for positions I dont have the qualifications for. But I continue to hunt- and I know my position will come to be sooner or later. I have faith.

In the meantime, I am trying to occupy myself as much as I possibly can in between job hunts.
I've recently taken up acrylic painting, and I continue to try to learn to play my banjo and speak a bit of Italian. Ive also organized my house and continue to try to keep it up to speed in cleaning and organization.

My mom has been poorly recently so I'm trying to keep in touch with her and the rest of my family and what is going on there in the states.We dont eat out anymore- so I cook daily and try to be that quintessential 50's housewife until I'm gainfully employed again. Hubby takes are of the bills so I take care of the house- with the exception of bringing the bagged rubbish out to the bins and taking care of HIS guinea pig. I didnt want the rodents but agreed that if he got them they would be totally HIS responsibility- he cleans after them, and feeds them- altho occasionally I will feed Gavin his salad just before Paul gets in from work. So far it's working well.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up. I look every once in a while at houses- trying to get a fix on what I/we might want - both for when I return to being employed- and for when(there is no IF- I'm convinced we will win it at some point in the future) we win the Lottery. To be honest there isn't THAT much difference in the before Lottery houses and the after Lottery houses- I dont ever want something grand and uber expensive- I just want a modest house where there is room for me and hubby to BOTH have our own space and a nice shared space, too. I have a set of priorities of the top 5 things I want in a house.

I like to have dreams. I put these houses to hubby- and he just looks at me like I have lost my mind. Or I'm stupid. He doesn't want to even THINK about it until we are ready to buy a place. I want to know what is out there- and I want to have an approximation of how much it's going to cost us... and how much we might need for a down payment- and all the faff that goes along with a move from House A to House B. I like to look at the houses and ask myself, could I see us living in a place like that? Is it too much- or not enough? Where would we put the Christmas Tree? And would the TV fit? Is there a fireplace? Is there a room big enough for Paul to have all his computer and VR things and Musical instruments? Is there room for me to have a place to store all my handbags and shoes and dresses and is there room for a dressing Vanity table? Sometimes- well, most of the time, what Hubby does is throw out obstacles and reasons why nothing would work, or why we cant have this or do that.

That's all well and good- if you are making plans to overcome those obstacles, but I dont see any of that coming from him. I need smiles and reassurances and cuddles and hopes and dreams with him- not just the reality of the here and now- because to be honest- the here and now of just scraping by really bites. I want to have something to look forward to. I NEED that.

So I just go ahead and dream my little dreams, and make my little plans and mention them less and less to hubby. I'm just worried that the more I do that the less  we communicate and the further apart we will grow, and I dont want that either. So how do I do a balancing act where I get what I need without either of us feeling like I'm pressuring him? I dont want to ruin our relationship- but at the same time I dont want to be made feel like what I want doesn't matter either.

I just dont know. I've tried telling him, but he just doesn't get it. And I dont get his POV either.
So I suppose we are at a stalemate?

Pretty Little Liars

So here's a question for us....

Do we REALLY want to hear the absolute truth all the time? or are we satisfied with a pretty little lie so no one's feelings get hurt?


When I'm making my own money- I can say- oh I paid 50£ for that outfit- it was on sale. It might have cost a bit more- but I rarely buy myself anything that actually ISN'T on sale, so I feel justified because I have spent less than my budget for previous months. Hubby doesn't really care as long as it's not over my spending allowance for the month- and he spends WAYYYY more than I do every month on his "toys" and "gadgets". Even Stephen.

When I ask a friend for her opinion on my outfit, I- personally- want the 100% honest truth- but does everyone feel that way? I dont think so. I am my own harshest critic, I look at something and think OMG- I see my jelly roll- it looks horrible. I dont want to go out in public looking like I dont know how to dress myself- Tell me I look like a sausage stuffed in the outfit so I can take it off and choose something more appropriate for the occasion- and my weight/shape.
I have a couple of my tribe that feel the same way as I do- be honest- brutally so- but most of them will prefer to have me be the Pretty Little Liar and say- Oh that looks lovely on you. And I feel bad telling them pretty little lies- but to tell them the truth would send them running into their rooms to avoid contact with the public- and probably to block me as their friend/contact on social medias. They are too fragile to handle the truth and so they prefer the PLLs, so that's what I give them.

How many times do we agree with the Boss when he/she comes up with what they think is a brilliant new innovative idea instead of voicing our real opinions or concerns? Partly because we dont want to hurt their feelings and partly because we NEED our job and would like to keep a roof over our head and food in our tummies..... So we tell them the PLL and say That sounds like a great idea- let's discuss it at the meeting, shall we?... hoping against hope someone other than us has the guts and the pull to weather the shitstorm you know is bound to come about if they do stand up to the Really Stupid Innovative Idea.

How about when someone makes something at the office and you claim it's not on your eating plan because you know for a fact they are one of the people who has went in the loo- did their business and walked out without washing their hands after.... on multiple occasions.  PPLs are all around us and we dont even care anymore. We use them every day- sometimes many times a day depending on our jobs and who we come into contact with.

I dont know how we expect to get into Heaven that way. But be honest with me.