The End Of 2014.....

Random facts about me to finish up the year....
1) I get songs stuck in my head and sing/whistle/hum them for days.....til the next annoying song replaces it.
2) I actually sing relatively well and a few people know it...but I deliberately sing well off key and horribly so no one ever asks me to do it in public.
3) I HATE public speaking and will do almost anything to get out of giving a speech of any kind.
4) I know at least 50 different ways to kill someone. Believe me when I say I WOULD SURVIVE a Zombie Apocolypse. Just call me Darylene.
5) I am extremely wary of trusting anyone.
6) I'm extrememly OCD about having thigs stacked neatly just so.
7) I love to drive REALLY fast.
8) I have an extremely addictive personality...about many things. With me it's usually a matter of all or nothing- there are no in-betweens.
9) I am vengeful- and I have patience in serving it up cold.
10) I am a Mountain Witch.

Happy New Year One and All!!!

Happy Christmas....

After a bout in the hospital and a long recovery- which is not quite over yet. I'm back.
And that's all I have to say about that.

Today I want to think about happy things.

Christmas has always been a wonderful time for me.
All bright lights and the scent of pine and cinnamon and citrus in the air.

Chocolates in the stockings, the bright look of happiness in the childrens eyes as they open their beautifully wrapped gifts piled under the tree.

The smell of new plastic/rubber  from the baby dolls Santa brought.  The squeals, the laughter.

The Mistletoe taped to the top of the doorframe or hung from the chandalier. The silly Christmas sweaters. The crackling fire. The Holiday movies- all the classics- It's a Wonderful Life, Christmas Vacation, Christmas Story, White Chrsitmas, Elf, Miracle on 34th Street, Home Alone, Charlie Brown Christmas, The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, A Christmas Carol, Scrooged...the list goes on and on.

Eggnog in the fridge, Christmas cake on the kitchen counter, Fruit and nuts in a bowl on the buffet table, Wine chilling in the fridge or on the counter next to the Christmas cake. The Christmas Snow Village twinkling and glowing on the entrance table.

The tinsel and shinging ornaments on the tree.......sparkling from the window for all that go by to see. Some of the ornaments full of sentiment from Christmases gone by....some bright and shiny and new- ready to soak up the Christmas spirit and making themselves special to someone as time goes on. The hugs, the kisses, the smell of snow in the air.

Christmas carols....does anyone go Caroling anymore? I used to go when I was young and went to church regularly and it was lovely going house to house seeing the smiles at peoples houses as they heard us and looked out their windows and then came to the door.
Sadly, they never had any figgy pudding, tho.

Reading the "Twas The Night before Christmas" on Christmas Eve.....and the production of putting  out the plate of nibbles and cuppa hot chocolate or glass of milk for Santa and a bag of carrots for the reindeer before racing off to our beds.

The excitement of waking at 4AM and trying to sneak into the living room to see if Santa had been or if you had to go back to bed because he hadnt quite made it to your house yet.
The glow of the Christmas lights from the tree as you peeked carefully around the corner of the door and saw indeed- SANTA HAD BEEN!!!! The squeals of happiness and running to your parents room to wake them and tell them the joyous news of Santas arrival and hoping that they would get up and not make you wait until the sun actually came up to see what was in all those bright shiny packages so gayly wrapped under the tree!

Grabbing the stockings and eating chocolates and nuts and fruit for breakfast...the one day of the year when our parents indulged us by letting us eat total rubbish for Breakfast of we wanted. (I think it was because they had been up all night putting toys together and wrapping gifts for under th tree and probably hadnt benn in bed a half hour when WE woke up and saw Santa had come and come to get them to open said gifts from "Santa" and were so exhausted they didnt care what we ate that one meal of the year.)

And you need to remember the good times. Every Precious memory you can. Bring it home. Write it down. Make memories. Do things you have never done. Try things your loved ones want you to try- just to make them happy- and make memories for them. be silly. Be happy. Be Loved. Because at some point- yall will be glad you have all those lovely memories to look back on.
I know I am.

Happy Christmas to All....and to All a Good Night!!!

Dating After You're Married.

It seems to me that the past few weeks almost every female I know has been talking about date nights.

And they all have different ideas about what  the perfect date night is.

One Goddess I know is planning on reconstructing her and her MM's very first date. That's just lovely. Drinks at the pub......then whisking themselves off to the restaurant they went to afterwards. If I remember correctly he took her to his office afterwards and uploaded some ram while he showed her where he ran his business. (I hope I'm not betraying a confidence but she did write about it on her blog so fair play(I hope)...)

Then there is another young lady who is making up date night KITS. 12 of them- one for each month of the year- for her and her boyfriend to use. She is putting all kinds of thought and time into those things. They are a long term couple and I certainly hope some day he pops the question to her.

Then there are couples like me and 3M. We don't really call it a date night- but we have our rituals and I love them. Every weekend...Let's start with Saturdays, I sleep in. 8:30AM is about 3 and a half hours longer than I sleep during the weekdays. Then I get up and tidy the house. Do some laundry, dust, wipe the counters down, ...everything but hoover- which I do when he gets up around 11 or noon while he's getting dressed.

Then we usually go for a drive to his hometown some 40 miles or so away. We park the car, then walk into town and have a browse. There's usually a festival or carnival of some sort going on in the town square and we sometimes take our cameras with us to do some street photography. If we haven't brought our good gear- we will take photos on our phones. Or sometimes we just enjoy it without the fuss of worrying about lighting or angles or subjects. There's usually some street musicians or performers, too. I like most of them.....a couple of them, not so much. And as we're walking along, 3M always reaches over and slips my hand into his.
It's always fun to see what's afoot on the weekends tho. I think my personal favorite is the Fall Festival......all sorts of foods- and crafts, and just loads of colourful characters.
I digress....
After a while walking around- we have lunch. Sometimes it's at one of the lovely Pubs.....sometimes it's at our favorite street vendor(Massive Bangers...best sausage dogs in the WORLD), sometimes  it's McD's or BK or Subway.....and sometimes it's at the more upscale Chinese Buffet or the Italian place...or our favourite cafe.

After that- we stop by his parents for a short visit- the we stop to get our weekly food shop done and then we head home.

He plays a game for an hour or so while I put away the groceries and finish whatever things I need to finish up...then we sit down to watch Dr Who together. After that- we sometimes watch a movie- sometimes we play games on our computers or sometimes we read and as before- we hold hands off and on. I'll make him tea.....he makes me coffee.

Our Sundays consist of a lot of just being together time. Sometimes we have a movie marathon...sometimes we just read and snuggle...... & instead of a roast dinner, my sweet 3M suggested that instead of me spending hours in the kitchen doing a Sunday Roast- we do a Sunday Steak Dinner. We buy a couple of nice thick, juicy steaks on Saturdays, have some kind of potato and gravy with it along with Dinner rolls or croissants on Sundays.  Add a cuppa and some sweet treat later on that night while we're watching a movie together- again- and I'd pretty much call that a Date WEEKEND.

Sometimes we do go for walks to the park...or into town....or by the river-or out for a night at the pub with a few friends- for a change. But it's a regular thing. We take care of each other- and regardless of whether or not we have sex every night, it's all very special and intimate to us.

I look at it like this- you know your relationship. You know what turns you on- and what makes things special for you and your MM......so you do whatever it is you need to do to keep things precious between you.
That's what love is.

Choosing Battles & Knowing When to Call It Quits.

Sometimes, in the grand scheme of things, you have to know when to call it quits.

I've learned over the years of being with 3M that it's best to just let it go sometimes. There are a lot of things I wish were different- that I wish he would do, but I have chosen to just not bother with the bother of it all.

I've learned that his tolerance for clutter is a tiny bit higher than mine. It used to be his job to hoover every weekend. But after he hoovers I dusted. Now I get up earlier than him- about three hours usually, so I like to get my housework done and out of the way before he gets up- so we can have more together time. So I usually just hoover myself so I can go ahead and dust and everything is done when he gets up.

Then there's the laundry. I feel like I'm always doing laundry on the weekends. It's my biggest chore because it takes so long. I usually do three loads on the weekends... No- four. Darks, colours, whites- and the bed linens and towels. 3M offered to take over the chore if I would sort them. So I happily agreed. So, I got up the following weekend, got it all sorted into the loads and waited. A couple of hours after he got up- and we went to get grocery shopping done and then had a cup of tea, he put the first load in the washer.......and then I had to go show him the settings for the washer. Okay- no problem. And then two hours later, I had to put the clothes in the dryer. And then I loaded up the washer with load two after the first load was finished drying because we cant run the washer AND the dryer at the same time without blowing a fuse. And then I took them out of the dryer- and folded them- and put the away.
So basically his idea of doing the laundry is putting them in the washer and adding laundry detergent and fabric softener and turning the machine on.
Hmmmmm.....
Okay, so this has went on a few weeks now. I cant wait all day to get the laundry done- and some of it has to be taken out of the dryer and hung up immediately after the dryer stops to keep it from wrinkling and me having to iron it- a chore I absolutely DESPISE!!!!!!

So I'm officially calling it quits.
I'm not nagging anymore- or suggesting, or asking. I'm just doing it myself because the stress of  the waiting- and not knowing of things are going to get done or not is driving me insane.
I look at it like this- if I was single I would be taking the trash out to the bins myself, and I would be doing the hoovering and dusting and laundry myself, and the cooking and the dishes and all the hundreds of other little things I do or stress about him doing- or rather not doing, so why torture myself? Just act as tho I'm single, and be thankful I have my love by my side when we go to bed at night and to hold me and kiss away my fears when I wake at night crying from some bad dream or other and all the other things he DOES do for me on a daily basis.

I love him- and that should be enough.

Amazing Weekend!!!!

What an amazing weekend!!

As you know- My and my bezzie went to The North West Fashion Festival 2014 on Sunday.
By sheer stroke of luck I found out Ms. Betty Rage and HER bezzie, Suzanne, was also attending. We contacted each other and decided we would meet up once we got there.

Well, Sissy and I got there and , of course, (as always at these events) there was a bit of a delay in entrance.  Seems one of the marquees needed adjusting  and the sound system as well. But once they got them handled, it was on. As Sissy and I stood in the queue waiting, I was gazing around wondering if I would recognise Betty. There were hundreds of people there and as I looked around, none of them stood out as anyone I would recognise from reading her blog. Slowly we inched our way to the front of the line where we showed our VIP Tickets and were allowed entrance to the fashion event of the season!!(So FAR, anyway.)  Well we got our VIP wristbands and told to just ask when we were ready to go to the VIP Tent. I looked at Sissy and we decided to take our champagne and wait a bit to see the people walk the red carpet as the other VIPs and Celebs entered. Minutes went by and all the pretty people just kept on coming. Tan people- pasty people, people dressed in the most outrageous outfits you can imagine.
And then- as we looked up the runway of red carpet- there she was. There was no doubt in my mind that the lovely woman stepping onto the red carpet was THE ONE & ONLY Miss BETTY RAGE.

She stood there for a few seconds gazing around as if she OWNED the place -and then -she tilted her flame coloured head of hair upwards, smiled that Mega Watt smile with the Hot Red Lippy and didn't just walk down that Red Carpet- she STRUTTED in 6 inch Leopard-print Heels! She was wearing a Black one piece jumpsuit with a black peplum jacket over it. She was rocking some Fierce red talons too with a huge Gold and Black scarab ring and a dozen Black and gold bangle bracelets in different widths.
My jaw hit the ground, people. This woman was  one HAWT Rockin' Chick!!
Confidence out the ass- and with justification- She is One of a Kind!!!!
As she took her glass of champagne and glanced around- I made my way over to her. I said,
"Betty? It's Lovely to finally get to meet you. I'm Elena."
She smiled at me as I extended my hand to shake hers, and laughed. She handed her champagne flute to her friend and brushed aside my hand as she said, " Handshakes, Elena? Seriously?" And then she gave me a big fierce hug and a kiss on the cheek!

This woman is as wide open and wild as the Montana Wilderness. I absolutely adore her!!!

I'll tell you more about the fashion show later. But for now- this is all you get.

I met Betty RAGE

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Red Letter Day

Well,
I'm very happy to announce that Betty Rage and I are finally getting to meet face to face!!

As you know, I read her blog religiously and love how outgoing and straightforward she is about her life. So when I read she was going to the Liverpool Fashion Event later this month, I contacted her because I am going to be at that very SAME event with MY Best Friend as well!!

We're going to meet and I finally get to see the One and Only, Fabulous BETTY RAGE!!!!! I'll let you know what she's like, I'm sure!!!!!

It's the first time I'm going to this event but I've heard a LOT of good things about it. I think even some celerbities are going to make an appearance. Very interesting stuff to me. I used to model in my late teens back home and know how crazy things get backstage and behind the scenes, but have never actually been to a fashion show and seen it from the audience standpoint!! I'm really, really excited!!!

There's not much else going on to report in my week so far. That's subject to change at any moment tho, so stay tuned. If it does- you will be the top of the list to hear about it.

Elena xxx

A Very Hard Day....

Sharing a very personal part of my life with you all from August 2007. I dont feel like a Goddess today. Please say a prayer. 

Elena xxx

********************************************************

This was hard- I hardly know where to begin. I want to get this down because I have it fresh in my mind and as soon as i finish this I will be going to sleep and sleeping for a couple days at least. I don't want to forget any of it and if I go to sleep I will not remember a lot of it.

Clayton was on his way home from work Sunday Morning about 1 am and swerved to avoid a deer ,as far as we can figure out. Clay loved to drive fast anyway, but this was on a straightaway in the road and he didn't just lose control unless it was either to avoid an animal or because there was a mechanical malfunction.

He swerved, went off a 6 foot drop on the other side of the road, bounced across the driveway, and his front end caught on a barbed-wire fence which made the back end flip over and the car end-over-ended about 50 yards. Clay was catapulted out the back window another 150 feet further on into the field.
He was killed instantaneously, either in the car when it was flipping or when he hit the field.

I was awake on the computer when we got a knock on the door....at 2:30am...never good news.
My DIL Kathy was standing at the door with a pillow- I thought... their air-conditioning has messed up and they wanna stay the night...or the kitchen caught on fire or something.
I smiled and asked her to come in.....and then I noticed it wasn't Clay in the car following her, but her mom. My heart dropped. I asked where Clay was- what was wrong?
Kathy's mom answered that Clay had been in an auto accident that morning about 1AM. I said OMG- What -where is he- meaning what HOSPITAL he was in........and she replied crying that he didn't make it.
I went to the floor on my knees screaming NO_NO_NO....NOT MY BABY.....It's NOT TRUE- It's JUST A DREAM........and it went on for about 20 minutes.
Paul held me while I was screaming hysterically and sent Kathy and her mom to the living room to sit while he dealt with me.
Kathy was in shock and couldn't deal with telling anyone else- the announcement was going to be on the tv news at 6-in less than 2 hours, so I told her Paulius and I would notify everyone else- she could go home and rest because the next few days were going to be tough ones and she had to think about the baby and her health.
First we went and told my eldest son- then we all rode the hours drive to my daughters home to give her the news. They were expecting something about their grandmother- not even a clue it was about their baby brother.
The mortuary worked for an entire day to "fix" him so we might be able to have an open casket ceremony. He was horribly swollen on the left side of his face and neck- his skull was crushed and his right side was terribly bruised, make-up camouflaged it somewhat, but you could still see the damage pretty badly. It hardly looked like my baby boy.

Kathy was a trooper- she knew where all the policies were- how much she had to spend on a funeral, what music to play, what flowers she/he wanted....everything. My mom donated the actual plot nearest my daddy's so they could be together....Clayton was his namesake.

Okay, so the arrangements made, we had to wait two days to see him. It broke my heart.
we had to make them un-tuck his shirt and we re-arranged it so it looked like Clay...then we unbuttoned hid shirt a couple buttons.
When we were finally happy with the look about 50 people had shown up- mostly family who live in the area and happened by. So there was an unexpected mini-viewing.
After that we went home.

Next day was the planned viewing......literally HUNDREDS of people showed up for his visitation. The child/man touched so many lives. I don't think he had an enemy in the world.My friend Terry was there- and helped Paulius with me when I had the first of my panic attacks. I saw people who I hadn't seen for years.

There were two rooms FULL of flower arrangements sent.

Let me take a moment to thank everyone who sent either an arrangement or a card.They were all lovely and I know he would have loved then too.

Now before I go on- I want to tell you about another thing that happened....I couldn't sleep, so I got up about 4am the day of the viewing and went to the bedroom straightening up. Well, I found a Mothers day card from Clayton and Kathy and I read it and sat on the bed and cried and cried.When I went to put the card back in the envelope, I was crying about why couldn't' I find my engagement ring and the first piece of jewelry the boys had pooled their money and bought be....a gold charm that say I love you Mom. I had looked for the past two years for that jewelry, and Paul did as well.
Well, the bottom dresser was open about an inch, so I went to push it shut, and heard a clink.That dresser has been empty for over a year.
So I opened it up and there in the top of a cookie tin, was the ring AND the charm.
So of course I was over-joyed.
So after finishing cleaning the bedroom I turned on the computer. I looked thru the recent documents and was just so overwhelmed that Paulius had left me two of the sweetest poems to easy my grief.

One was this one-

-=- REMEMBER ME -=-



I never meant to leave you,
Could I have only stayed;
We would be going on in life,
With all the plans we made.

Now all the hopes and dreams we shared,
Are but sweet memories;
For you to tuck inside your heart,
Now when you remember me.

Remember all the good times, And all the joy we shared;
Remember how you touched my life,
And how I really cared.

Think back on all the laughter,
And wipe away your tears;
You still have many miles to go,
And still have many years.

Don't look back....look forward, This day is a brand new start;
And as you travel on in life,
You'll take a bit of my heart.

I never meant to leave you,
But still you'll not be alone;
For as long as my love lives in you,
I'll never really be gone.
The other was this one...

He Only Took My Hand

(author unknown)

Last night while I was trying to sleep,
My son's voice I did hear
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.

He said:"Mom you've got to listen,
You've got to understand
God didn't take me from you, mom
He only took my hand.

When I called out in pain that night,
The instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
And pulled me to His side.

He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and pain.
My body was hurt so badly inside,
I could never be the same.

My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my empty dreams
And all that might have been.

I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My body's gone forever,
But my spirit will never die!

And so, you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time.
Just understand-
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand.

Paulius didn't put them on our computer.
I think my baby boy was trying to send me and his grieving family a message.

Now for the Funeral today.My cousin Stacy did it and did a WONDERFUL job of it. I thank her from the bottom of my heart. It shows the depth of love my family has for one of them to do that. I will be eternally grateful.
The family car picked us up and all the way up we were talking about some of the stuff Clay used to pull on everyone.
When we got to the Mortuary, we were in a calm mood. Kathy went in first and has a few moments with him alone. Then me and his side of the family got to go in. I went first. I pulled back the veil they had draped over the casket and rubbed his head. His hair had been buzzed the morning he left for work so it was about the same length as when he was born. I rubbed his hair/head and leaned in to talk with him for a while. I told him I know he didn't leave us by choice, and I thanked him for the poems and for the missing jewelry. I told him I love him with all my heart and I would gladly give my life a thousand times over for one last hug and kiss and to hear his sweet voice call me sweetie one last time, or if he could just be back with his family again.
So then I pulled back the veil and kissed his forehead and as I was rubbing his head, I sang Amazing Grace to him like I used to do when he was a baby and he was taking his nap. It was the only way he would go to sleep and sleep peacefully.. I then kissed his head and forehead about a dozen more times, told Him I would always love him and he would always be in my heart and thoughts, and told him sweet dreams before kissing his head and cheek one final time.
God knows It was the hardest thing I had ever had to do to walk away from him knowing I would never see his sweet face again for the rest of my life.
I don't think I could have dealt with it had I not taken a double dose of the sedatives before arriving there.

The casket went to to chapel, we followed. Kathy, her mom, Me, My daughter Julie, and my sister were front row.
Julie kept looking back at her bio-dad and I knew she wanted him up there with her. So I asked my sis to get him to come sit beside Julie. I wanted to be with my husband anyway. I told Julies Fiance to come up and be with Julie and I completely broke Southern Funeral Protocol by leaving the family pew and squeezing in between my oldest son and my husband in the Pall-bearers pew. You should have heard the gasps or surprise.
I didn't care. I needed my husband and my son needed me as well.
Anyway, There was a sermon, a couple prayers, and the songs in between were: Amazing Grace-sang by a friend of the family who has the voice of an angel. Then came, Jesus Take the Wheel, and then a song I didn't recognize but was one of Clays faves. Then there was a memorial where anyone who wanted could come up and say a few words about Clayton. I was so proud of my family.
First ,Clays mom in law came up and said a few words. Then My eldest son Frank did. Then Paulius did. Then my Daughter. Then my sister came up and read the "He Only Took My Hand" poem in my stead.

There was another prayer and then as they took his casket down the aisle, They played my requested song- In The Arms of The Angels by Sara McLaughlin.
We filed out and were driven to the cemetery. After a short service we were told it was time to return to the family car. And Kathy refused to go.
She was adamant to stay until he was actually buried in case he was still alive.
We ALL lost it then and we had to talk a half hour to convince her it would NOT be a healthy thing to do. We reminded her that she had to think about the baby and we promised as soon as the burial was finished she could come back- and the boys all stayed there to make sure he was buried properly and that he wasn't still alive. My son Frank actually made them open the casket one last time to make sure all the mementos were still in there with him and that he could honestly tell Kathy they checked Clay and he was really, truly, gone.

After that we left and went to the accident site and my two cousins sang Go Rest High On the Mountain and we had a prayer there before going back to Kathy's Moms home for lunch.
After an hour Paulius and I went back and I sat and cried for about 20 minutes and talked to Clay one last time. I got a trio of rose-buds from our flower arrangement and the baby-blue bow. I told him if the baby was a boy, I would use the bow as the "It's A Boy" bow for the mailbox.
I told Him if he wanted or needed to talk to me to come to me in my dreams- we can be together as often as we want there.
And then we came home and I took a couple more sedatives and decided while waiting for them to take effect I would write all this down so I don't forget anything important after I sleep.

As for the mementos left were a Memorial shirt with Clay's and Cody's(his dog)photo on the front. A huge amount of letters to him, pictures of his car, the sonogram of Clay and Kathy's unborn baby, a Pack of Newport Ciggies, a lighter and single ciggie in his hand, a RNR tee shirt, and a free pass to Platinum Plus- the local high dollar strip joint.
My daughter laughed about that one and said"Bubba I hate to tell you but there is no Platinum Plus is Heaven" and I told her "Well, Maybe not in YOUR heaven"...I highly suspect that Heaven to Clayton, had Kathy, Their Baby, a whole car-lot covering acres and acres of pimped up cars that were his and he could drive anytime he wanted(and Paulius gave him a blank key so any car in heaven could be started with it), and a Plat-Plus that was open 24 hours a day.
I'm exhausted guys...I think I will go sleep now for a couple days...........Maybe I will see my baby there and be able to give him that one hug and hear him call me "Sweetie" again.

Again, thank you all for all the thoughts and love sent our way this week. You have no idea how much it has meant to us.

Musings....

Well.........

I am sitting here this morning sipping on my mandatory cup of morning coffee in my cosy warm bathrobe after my morning workout.

What started off as what I was sure to be a disastrous weekend, I'm contemplating what a lovely weekend it has turned out to actually be.

3M and I somehow got roped into house/dog sitting the mutts again on our long holiday weekend while his parents went off to see their granddaughter some 300 miles away.  Last time, I swore I wouldn't do it again- my back absolutely KILLS me after a visit to their house where the Queen Bee has chosen the most uncomfortable furniture in the entire universe for her house.

The bed isn't bad, tho....nice and soft(mostly due to us buying a memory foam topper for the mattress when we was living there..... even tho it's only a double instead of a king sized....to be expected tho in a guestroom only used occasionally........- so there IS a saving grace to the visit.

Anyway, I had planned to bring my photographic gear with me and do a photo shoot of one of my friends who lives in the area, or even just go and do a bit of street photography, but every single time its called for rain and I brought it, it actually rained, o I didn't bother this time. It wasn't beautiful weather- it rained or sprinkled - but it was nice off and on. Oh well, next time.

3M and I went to town Saturday Morning and we had lunch with my sweet sister Goddess. We talked about work, we talked about friends, we talked about food, we talked about shoes.

That's something that gets me sometimes. Both my Sister Goddess and I are American and both of us have Brit 3Ms. I envisioned us having dinners together out....couples nights in with us playing board or card games with sis and I sharing a bottle of wine and the 3Ms downing their ale/beers as Brits do.

But here's the thing....Our 3Ms- they have the same common interests......both are bona fide geeks....both love gaming, both like beer(my 3M isn't a BIG drinker however- couple times a year out with a group of friends or the occasional beer/ale while he is playing his games on the console is about the extent of it.....oh- and Thanksgiving and Christmas).....both have American Goddesses to contend with......
BUT- altho they like each other- they both would rather have their ME time when Sis and I get together.

And that's fine. It's just that I was hoping for more......ah well......Sis and I deserve some Girl time. And as long as we can all hook up for Thanksgiving Dinner I can live with that.

I can't live with not seeing my sissy, tho. I am going to have to have a girlie day with her more often.

So, yes....we will be making a date to go into Liverpool to have a day of shopping and lunch and girl talk.
I love having a bezzie I can walk arm in arm with as we stroll shopping and talking. She is as much a toucher as I am... I do NOT like being touched by people I don't know very well, but the people I am close to and trust- I love my hugs, and pecks on the cheeks, and random touches. I know they wont lead anywhere I don't want to go.
Yes, I have been hurt. A Lot.

Anyway,......

Traditions. I had a few. I'm trying to incorporate a few of them back into my life here in the UK..... but dang it is HARD!!!

Okay, Like this is a few of them.....

CHILI WEEKEND
.....The first Saturday after the first FROST of Autumn I make a big pot of chili and invited the family over. Everyone knew to expect the Pot of Chili, with Grated Cheese and Frito's Corn Chips. You could have coffee, Sweet Iced Tea, Some Sort of Cola, or Hot Chocolate with it. Over here, I'd probably add Beer to the beverage menu too sine everyone likes it so much. Dessert? .....S'mores or toasted marshmallows over the bonfire that night. Done Deal.
This is one I am READY for this year!!

HALLOWEEN FANCY DRESS
........EVERYONE required to dress up. Only restriction was that you couldn't dress like a slut- Kids were there, keep the coochies and nips covered Ladies.
The house was dressed to the nines, skulls and spiderwebs abounded.....So did jack-o'lanterns. You could bring your own carved pumpkin to the party if you wanted to show off your carving skills. We had Green  or red  punch (Spike your own-again, kiddies there so no spiking the bowl),,,we had creepy cupcakes, and griied Hot dogs and burgers....sometimes it the timing was perfect- we had the Chilli Weekend and the Halloween Party the same weekend...Just added the cupcakes and punch and decorations to the menu for the Chili party. Didnt happen often tho.....

THANKSGIVING DINNER
.......when the kids were little- we would all go to my Aunt and Uncles house- very formal-china dinnerware, silver, crystal stemware....big HUGE table seating about 20- the kids table in the kitchen(big huge greatroom so everyone was still in the same room technically)...but as the kids grew up- we started doing dinner at my moms house- and then after my dad passed away- I took it over at our house even tho it was quite small. Dinner was always, at all the places,The hostess made the Turkey, dressing, mashed potatoes and rolls....everyone else brought a couple of dishes that the womenfolk worked out amongst themselves- and every family had their favorite dessert which they brought.
When it got to me taking over, I had daughters in law who didnt have a clue how to cook, so I ended up making almost all of it myself. I didnt mind- the kids usually brought the plates, napkins and such as that to keep me from having to clean up and as the years went by- and they learned a few dishes, they began bringing dishes themselves. My Adaughter had Thanksgiving Dinner at hers the year I left for the UK......
We have always had a policy that if you know someone who is displaced for the holiday- you are more than welcome to ask them along. There isnt a Thanksgiving I can remember that we havent had extra people come to dinner. And we have always had more than enough food to share- and send home with everyone.

I always bought my Christmas tree the day before Thanksgiving...I set it up in the "bucket" stand the night before to let it "fall out". Thanksgiving morning I would put the turkey in the oven, then get to work putting the lights and garland on the tree. I always put first the multi-colored lights on it.........Then I added the white lights.......always twice as many white lights. That way, if I wanted an "adult Tree" I plugged in only the white lights. But if I was in the mood for a playful tree or the kids were there, I plugged them all in. The white lights really made the colored lights dazzle!!!

So then, after Thanksgiving Dinner, everyone decorated the tree with their ornaments and drank eggnog.  Yes- Just like Alice on Day of Our Lives, I had special ornaments for each member of the family.
 While dinner was going on- we always had the Christmas Yule Log on the TV....... and afterwards, we would put on a Christmas Movie for the "kid"s to watch.
I would spend the next couple of weeks changing the placements here and there so it was just perfect- but I tried very hard to leave the special ornaments where they had been placed.
Done Deal.

CHRISTMAS EVE/DAY
........This was always a toughie..... If we did Christmas Eve-which was rare- everyone came over, we had a very light meal...turkey or ham sammiches, chips(crisps), sodas, eggnog, cookies and cakes......snacky-finger foods. The kids opened gifts then everyone left early cause NO ONE wanted to miss Santa or rather have Santa not stop at their house cause they wasnt in bed!!! YIKES!!!!!

........Christmas Morning, I got up early, turned on the tree lights, then set about making brunch. I would always have Biscuits, or rolls, with bacon or ham, scrambled Eggs,  fresh sliced tomatoes, Sawmill gravey, southern fried potatoes and Orange Danish Rolls. The kids would arrive, we would exchange gifts or eat breekkie and then exchange gifts. And then everyone left pretty early after because the kiddies wanted to play with their gifts back home.

The kids always got three big gifts when they were growing up....One they WANTED/ASKED Santa for, One they needed, and one Surprise.Then I always gave them a book and a couple of other really small gifts too. Sometimes I would give one or the other of them a KERPLUNK gift. Thats a smaller gift, wrapped and placed in a bigger box and wrapped, and repeated at least four or five times. ....Our record is 13 boxes. Hahahaha!!

Did you ever have something that just made it FEEL like it was Christmas? And if you didnt get it- it seemed like kind of a let-down?
Mine was three things.........Thin Mint Chocolates(sort of like Andes Mints or After 8's after dinner mints- or mini Peppermint Patties),.......Chocolate covered Cherries- the really INEXPENSIVE ones, not the liquor center ones- altho those are what I get now)...and Christmas Socks.

Anyway.......That are the traditions I cherish......the Autumn Winter ones.

This post just kinda totally got away from me. Not what I sat down to type out. But sometimes that happens. You just gotta go where they mind takes you.

Much Love,
Elena xxx

No More....

I'm Going to have a bit of a pity party today.

 It's been a hectic few weeks here in Valhalla. I've been trying to keep myself busy by ordering a few items from the states for Halloween Treats and Thanksgiving Dinner.

I've also been using  my new elliptical cross trainer I bought from one of the girls at work who had gotten bored of it and started using it as a clothes rack.
Not in MY house it won't.

Despite my workouts, I'm gaining weight. I know that it's probably just muscle gain, or possibly fluid retention, but it is really frustrating. No worries, I'll keep at it.

I'm hoping to get to see one of my best friends this weekend. I haven't seen her in what seems like MONTHS instead of just weeks. I miss having my girly Goddess chats with her and talking fashion and sex and life. I think she is my soul sister.

I was toying with the idea of going back to being a redhead since it's autumn, but just as I was about to take the plunge, I had a nightmare about going back red and it turning out horribly wrong. So I'm taking that as a sign that now is NOT the time to  make a change- I always listen to my dreams. Always.

Today marks the seven year anniversary of the last time I saw my youngest son alive. I had been out to my main office of the company I worked for at the time- and on a whim I called my son and asked if he was busy and if not- could I come by and have a short visit before I had to get ready to go to work that evening.
He said he and his wife wasn't busy, they was just chilling and watching TV and that I was more than welcome to come and visit anytime. So I went up.

I went in and sat down in his chair. He was on the sofa with his wife and he had his head in her lap. Every once in a while, while we were chatting about this and that, he would reach up and touch her tummy and then look at her and smile.
Three weeks before, they had found out they were expecting their first baby. He was tickled, and amazed, and a tiny bit worried about being a good dad. He needn't have worried, he was a natural with the little ones.

He looked over at me and told me, "Mama, you gotta get rid of that Christmas stick(an artificial slim tree I had bought a few years before when I moved into a smaller place -and the kids all HATED it!!) and have a REAL tree again. Now that I'm having a baby, I want MY kids to know what a REAL Christmas is like we had when we was little. We didn't have a lot of money, mama, but somehow you always made Christmas special to us....the smells, the lots of little gifts that didn't cost a lot but was always wrapped in the prettiest wrapping and looked like magic under the tree.........always a real tree, too- even if you couldn't see much of it for all the ornaments and decorations on it!"
And I laughed and told him okay- from now on we would have that real tree again and Christmas would be like it was when he was little.
I looked a my watch and realised that it was going to be close getting home and changed and then to work on time if I didn't get a move on.
Just as I was getting up, his phone rang and he answered it. It was one of his friends needing help with something. I waited a couple minutes, but had to leave- so instead of giving him a big hug and kiss like I usually do- and him- he gave GREAT bear hugs-I caught his eye and blew him a kiss and told him I'd see him Sunday- He and his brother planned to spend the day together, first stopping by my house before heading down to his sisters house-who he had talked to on the phone but hadn't seen since Easter with their schedules the way they were..........I would get my hug then.

I walked out feeling a bit unsettled, but told myself to stop being silly. He was being himself- helping someone who needed his help, and I was just being a selfish clingy mama wanting to go back and insisting on my hug and kiss. I had never left one of my kids before without that goodbye hug and kiss- EVER.

I went to work that night....then came home and was off Friday night and Saturday night and Sunday night....my long weekend off.
Sunday morning early- as in 4AM early, as I worked nights, me and my husband were up watching TV and playing on our computers, and we heard a car in the driveway. My first thought was  "What in the world....."so I went to the door. I saw my daughter in laws car. I saw her getting out and her mom getting out from behind the wheel. I thought, oh my goodness, their air conditioning was on the fritz and they wanted to spend the night....obviously I wasn't thinking straight because her mom lived in a HUGE two story house less than two miles from them- why in the world would they be wanting to spend the night at my house?....but  that was just me being blond.

They came in and I looked out the door waiting for my son to come in- but apparently he was coming in his car. I closed the door and asked my DIL where my son was- how long he would be. She was holding onto a pillow with a blank look on her face.....pale....lost. Her mom spoke up....I thought she said "They was in an accident, Elena.".........I was shocked and thought "OMG- he's in the hospital."
I hugged my daughter in law and asked her if she was okay-
and she said "I don't know."
I reached for my shoes in the hallway and asked "Where is he? What hospital did they take him to? How  badly is he hurt?"........

My daughter in laws mom said-

"He didn't make it, Elena. He's gone."

The world stopped turning.
I turned and looked at her and asked.."What did you say?" and she reached over and touched my arm and said "He's gone. I'm so sorry, Elena."

I called out my husband's name and then the screaming started. All I could say is Not My Baby. No. Not My Baby.

I collapsed into the floor and my husband held me until I...................stopped screaming? I don't remember much after that- just bits and pieces......I know he helped me into the living room where Jennifer had taken her little girl-my daughter in law.

She still looked shell shocked. And there was more family to tell.
After about an hour, I told Jennifer to take her little girl home and make her go to bed. She needed the rest for the days to come and she could not lose the baby- the bit of my son he had left us with. My husband and I would go let his brother and sister know. We didn't have long, it was going to be on the 6AM news in an hour.
We first went to my sons house- he lived just a couple of miles from us. I had to knock on the door and then their bedroom window before they finally woke up and came to the door. I gave him the news and he was devastated. He and his brother were 9 months apart- more like twins than just brothers.
I asked if he could please come with us to tell his sister.  So he did.

I was trying to hold myself together on the drive...it was a good 45 minute drive away. And when we got there, it was the same thing. We had to knock on the door as well as finally on the window to get them awake and to the door.

We went in and delivered the news to her and her fiancee. She was equally as devastated at the news.

And today- as I sat in work- it just popped into my head...."I should have went back and got that hug and kiss."
Out of nowhere....and then I realised that it was the Thursday before his Angelversary. Technically, the seventh anniversary of the day I last saw him, talked to him, heard his voice....and saw his smile.

I went to my car in the middle of the workday and completely broke down crying. I texted my sissy, she tried to comfort me- but being at work she wasn't able to give me but a couple of minutes, which I totally understand.

I texted my husband asking could he please come out and give me a hug-and he was too busy to even pick up his phone to read a text.

I was struggling and I don't think I've ever felt so alone...in a building full of people-in one of the biggest busiest cities in the world, I was on a deserted island with only sand around me. Not even a single solitary tree for shade.

I cried for an hour.....had my little breakdown.
Then I dried my tears, went back in and washed my face- plastered a fake smile on my face- went back to my desk and finished up the day.

I may feel like lying down and curling into a ball and hiding from the world- but I don't have that option.

Life Goes On, but the pain of losing a loved one never goes away.
Take my advice, don't ever NOT say goodbye or not tell someone you love them. Never go to bed mad at someone.
There really is a for the last time for everything.

I
Am
Strong.

I
Am
Goddess.

*Goddess Eyebrow*

It has been one of those weeks-for the past couple of months.

This Goddess is sitting back contemplating her life and has come to the conclusion- it's over and done with- Let It Go. (This Goddess would also like to point out that she DETESTS that song- never sing it in her presence or there is a large probability that you will know the feeling of being smothered by a pillow.)
 (She would also like to point out that this post is going to be all over the place because that's how scattered the past couple of months has been, and she has a few things that she needs to get out and none of them can really be meshed together. But she will try.)

 This Goddess has rocked some hair and makeup this weekend. Since my bestie left town for a better life, I've been slacking off with the girlie things on a daily basis. It's to the point I only pretty-up a couple times a week and on Saturdays when 3M and I go out into town for the day. I've been depressed as now BOTH my bezzies live withing 5 miles of each other in the town I moved FROM two years ago. I miss my girlie chats. I miss comparing outfits(altho one of my girlies and I still do via text- it just isn't quite the same- but will have to do for now.) I also miss my sister hugs. I think I've said before, but I just don't have enough human contact. I always thought I wasn't a big touchy-feelie kind of person, but that was when I was home where I had brothers and sisters and my parents and my kids and grand kids and a dozen friends that touched me almost every day. A pat on the back, a hug, a quick peck on the cheek. SOMETHING. Over here, I have 3M. And being a Brit- and brought up in a family that defo isn't very touchy feelie I get a kiss when we get to work, a hug when we come in from work and at bedtime, and  to give him credit- he does reach over and caress me when we are watching TV in the evenings... be it my leg, my hip, my thigh, my arm, my hair. He also is big on hand holding when we are out walking around on our weekend walks... He does his part, but I definitely regret buying the sofas we bought when we moved into our flat. We used to have a large sofa and we would sit at each end and put our feet towards each other and read or watch movies. Or we would lie on the couch spooning and watch movies or TV shows together..... But the stupid couch we bought is a Cinema seating one....basically, three recliners with armrests and cup holders between the seats. Lovely for watching TV and movies, but I damn well hate the thing because we can't cuddle on it anymore. I miss that and it can't be replaced soon enough for me.  Next one we get is going to be a huge sectional sofa so we have seating for us AND company.
I digress. At work I'm doing better-if certain people would let me DO what I'm supposed to DO and let me get on with it. I'm sick to death of being given something to do and then being given 15 other things to do and all of it is priority. I cannot live with this kind of chaos in my daily life. I feel as tho I'm ready to explode any minute. 
On a personal note at work, the guys I work with have finally decided to accept me. They have come to realise they don't have to watch every word they say around me and if they cuss or complain, that's as far as it will go- I'm not going to tattle on them for complaining- nor and I going to file a harassment suit against them for treating me like one of the guys. But even with being treated  like one of the guys comes pitfalls. I'm accepted by them, but I am not ONE of them. And my being accepted by them does not put me in good stead with the girls who are STILL stand-offish and snooty. I don't really care about the girls- I don't like their two-faced, backstabbing , catty attitudes anyway. So- still the outsider.
Anyway, Ive also gained weight again!!! I feel so out of control of my life right now. I will lose a bit of weight- then gain it all back. Lose, then gain. Lose, then gain.....I have got to take control back. In EVERYTHING.
Some how-some way.
I need to just sit back, take a long look, re-evaluate, make a plan and DO it. Don't get sidetracked by anyone or anything.
The good news is- as long as I have my medallion my friend, Ash, sent me on, I seem calm. Actually, I AM calm. I feel the emotions boiling up- but that's as far as it goes. It's kind of like an out of body experience. I can see and feel whats going on inside me, but it's like a dream- it doesn't feel real, it doesn't HURT. Like I have shut off the emotion altho I know whats happening. I'm not explaining very well. All I know is that medallion is a lifesaver. Not just for me- but for everyone around me.
I know in my heart this is just a phase of my life I need to figure out. It will pass. I am strong. I can rise above it and I will come out on top.

I Am Goddess

 Elena xx

Not So Goddess-Like Moments....

Well, if you are under the illusion that Goddesses always are demure, calm, collected, and elegant.....don't read any further.  I'm about to destroy that myth.
  Granted, we usually are usually all those things I listed above., But this week has been EPIC for humbling me and not taking myself too seriously....and it's only TUESDAY????? Oh My.

Okay, so yesterday, I got up threw on my pair of hot fuscia lacy legged undies from my baby doll sleep set and went to the bathroom to wash my hair and do my makeup. Well, I did all that- then in the rush threw on my clothes to go into the office. Now because of my IBS- I wear a bit less constrictive clothing into the office until I can get a grip on the problem, so office wear yesterday consisted of a pair of black yoga pants, black flat boots, with a  long knee length black cardi over a red ribbed stretch button-front blouse. No one can see under our desks so to the casual observer, I was wearing a nice office outfit.
The problem came in when I walked all the way to the kitchen for a cup of coffee and my bottle of water from the cooler. I had taken off my cardi when I first arrived and didn't think twice about putting it back on just to go to the kitchen. As I was waiting on my water bottle to fill I reached back to smooth my pants down in the back- sort of a nervous tic I have, and as I ran my hand over my backside, I felt a ridge.
Well, not so much a RIDGE as a flipping speed bump!!!
In my rush, I had left on the ruffled leg undies from the baby doll set and put on my yoga pants over them. Usually when I get up I grab my undies and don them as I'm in the bathroom after my shower and when I walk out to get dressed.......well, you get the picture.
So anyway, I'm standing there and the office is about half full of office mates and now I have to walk all the way back down to my desk in the far corner of the building past all these people sporting my ruffled speed bump under my clingy yoga pants.
.........Yeah. I heard a couple of snickers. Keep walking.
SO as if that wasn't bad enough- the top I had on decided that when I bent over to get my lunch out of the fridge it was going to pop the buttons out of the buttonholes. except for the very bottom one.  Jeez, thanks.
So with a kitchen full of people AGAIN- there I am standing trying to keep from dropping my lunch while trying to close my shirt up so no one gets a flash of my magnificent Mams.
Good Lord....Could it get any worse, I asked myself?.........

Well, funny I should ask....because today- it did.

So we all know I have IBS...and after making sure I wore a MUCH better and more secure outfit today, I walked to the kitchen at lunchtime to get my second bottle of water- and just as I got the cap off- IBS pains hit.....so Off I run to the ladies......run in, close the stall door, throw the lock and jerk down my panties.
And scream so loud it rattled the window in there- which was OPEN BTW!!!
It's almost time for Auntie Flo and as a precautionary measure I had used a pantyliner in my undies- just in case- and my badly in need of a trim landing strip strays got caught in the adhesive backing and was RIPPED OUT when I jerked my undies down- so yes- it hurt- I shrieked....LOUDLY.
Yes, ...it was truly an epic moment for me. Try explaining THAT to people who are standing around because they heard a woman shriek and was wondering what was going on.

THEN...... No the rest of this really isn't about me- unless you ...well, you will see when you read it.

So Around 3PM, we were back at our desks and one of my office mates was on the phone...I'm not sure if it was a client or a colleague he was talking with, but another office mate was looking out the window at a guy in the parking lot who was doing some asphalt maintenance who had what was essentially- a flamethrower...and he said as much. Office mate #1 tells his caller to please hold, then comes over to look out and then is supremely disappointed when it's not a huge flamethrower like you see in the movies. He proceeds to go back and TELL the caller that"Someone in the office said there was someone out in the parking lot with a flamethrower and I had to  go check it out- but it wasn't really a flamethrower- so where was we...?"
Office mate  #2 and I was chuckling at this point because Office mate #1 is always doing and saying things that no one other than he could EVER in a thousand years get away with....and we LOVE it!!...and about 10 seconds later- the Ice-cream van shows up in the parking lit blaring its carnival music and Office-Mate #2 and I have tears rolling down our faces we are laughing so hard. That poor guy on the phone must have thought he had accidentally called the insane asylum.....But somehow Office-mate #1 just went right on with the conversation and took care of business- just like a true professional....... And yes- there was a few people who took a much needed break and went out and bought themselves an ice-cream.

And it's days like this that break the monotony and make us smile. And now- these epic situations have been recorded and will go down in history.

Red Lippy Cures Everything.

...."There is absolutely nothing that Red Lipstick doesn't make better."

                                     

                                                      .............Betty Rage

Elena xxx

The Darkness & The Light.

I am a troubled Goddess.

Things aren't going well in my world and I become more and more troubled every day. I find myself thinking on things I have no control over. Why? I have no idea. I tell myself to just let things go- there's no need to worry and obsess over things unless there is something to actually worry and obsess about.

But do I listen to myself? No. I do not. I worry and fret.

But that is going to change.  I cannot change what I cannot control. I am finished letting fear and worry control my life.

From now on, I am taking a page out of Betty Rage's book and I am going to let go and just be a Fabulous Goddess.

No more  emotional eating. No more slacking off and making excuses to not go to the gym. No more worrying over things that are happening a half a world away to someone who continually brings bad fortune upon themselves and wants other people to bail them out. I can't. I won't.
They need to grow up and be an adult. I had to do it at a MUCH younger age than they are now. I did a few things I'm not really proud of- but I did it because I wanted quick money to get myself out of an abusive relationship that I knew would end in my children getting hurt and me in prison for murder if I stayed. So I spent three months on the weekends in a big city as a topless dancer. I admit it.
And I'm not ashamed. I got enough money to get away- and then I did. And I got a proper job. I got a job in law enforcement. I learned to protect myself and my loved ones. And I made VERY capable friends. I even had one friend in Blackhawk who had friends he could have called favours in to should the need arise.

But the need hasn't arisen.

Lady Karma beat me to it. I won't go into details, but lets just say he won't be kicking and beating anyone ever again. Ever. And it scares me when I think of how absolutely gleeful I was to hear that news. Giddy with happiness. I must have an evil vindictive streak in me two miles wide. But I don't care. I am who I am because of the things that have happened to me in my life. Or maybe in spite of it? No- I think definitely because of it in this case.

But it comes with a price. There have been times when I had the blackest of black thoughts. Shadows in my soul that make me doubt my sanity sometimes....or wonder if it's on it's way out the door. But I still have my sweetness. To the people who love me and who haven't screwed me over or stabbed me in the back I am able to hold onto my light. I can laugh, and smile, and let my heart open and love these people. 

But sometimes, when the darkness is trying to worm it's way back into my soul, it whispers and reminds my heart that at one time- those same people that screwed me over and stabbed me in the back were people I thought loved me and cared too.....and for a few moments, I let the tiniest sliver of the shadow of doubt creep in ....until my light shines brighter than the darkness and I realise that I cannot make the people that love me and care about me pay for the past sins of the evil ones. It's not fair- not only to them, but to me. I'm allowing those haters to ruin the rest of my life- a life that, other than the doubts the shadows cast,  is filled with happiness and laughter and love.

And that's what I am striving for for the rest of my life. Because I have lived in the shadows too long. I'm Coming out into the light. I may even get rid of most of my black clothes.

But mark my words,  The darkness will be unleashed if the need arises. I have the key to it's cage.


Goddess Rules,
Elena xxx

In Remembrance of My Hero.....My Dad

…I remember when my Dad would let me ‘ride’ on the steering wheel of the old truck we had when I was about 1 ½

…I remember when I thought the best thing ever was standing next to my Dad with my arm around his neck as he spun his tires in the sand driveway.

…I remember my Dad taking us to the Shell station on White Horse road and getting to choose any candy we wanted from the HUGE glass display case.

…I remember my Dad taking us camping in the Pisgah Forest in North Carolina and teaching me to fly-fish even though I was only 7 and a girl.

….I remember making my Dad fudge and him smiling as he took it and asking “And what do you want, now?” I also remember him taking the fudge to his office and locking it in his filing cabinet so he didn’t have to share and could enjoy it in peace and quiet.

…I remember my Dad teaching me to drive a manual transmission car. I remember him telling me that when you slow down to make a turn, you shift down. I remember trashing a transmission (trying to get home before curfew) when I shifted down to first gear and popped the clutch going 40mph because Dad assumed I was smart enough to realise you had to be going slow to do that. I also remember him not laughing at me while we towed the car home at 4am

…I remember Dad walking me down the aisle when I got married. He was trembling more than I was. Now I know why.

…I remember Dad helping me rebuild my car when it was totalled a few years back. I had just put close to $2000 in a motor for it the week before and couldn’t afford to buy a new one, even with the coverage from insurance.

…I remember Dad handing me his hanky when I cried from everything from breakups to bad grades to skinned knees.

…I remember Dad always seemed larger than life - He was always my Hero.

My Hero is gone.
My Dad passed away, losing an eight year battle with Cancer in 2005.

The thing is, my daddy liked to laugh and have fun. He had a wicked sense of humour and I have-believe it or not- two stories (which I will combine)from the funeral that will hopefully bring a smile to you -as they did to us-and I think he would have too.

We had the funeral service- which was beautiful- and every one was understandably upset. The music did not help with easing the pain- the song selection was as follows...Amazing Grace,Long Black Train,Imagine...then the sermon, then two more songs.....Wind Beneath My Wings, and Angel by Sara McLaughlin.
After the sermon and music we were off to the cemetery. We were still upset- taking turns crying and trying to comfort each other when we weren't the one crying. Well, when we got to the cemetery the first family car veered off the road that led directly to the site and went towards the office. We waited about 10 minutes for them to finally come from the office. We laughed and said we bet someone had to go potty and how Daddy would have hated that. We told our Aunts who were with us that when we went on a trip with Daddy- as soon as the urge hit you had better say something, because it would be at least a hundred miles MORE before Daddy would actually pull over for us to go. NO JOKE.
Then we had the service at the grave site- they had three Navy personnel there- two to present the flag to Mom, and one to play Taps- which was hauntingly beautiful.
Then we all got back in the family cars and began the ride home. Suddenly the lead car pulled into a convenience store and two of the members in it rushed into the store. I commented that moms blood sugar must have dropped and they were getting her something to try and raise it til we got home(Mom is diabetic and that was exactly what had happened we learned later). But sitting in the parking lot I suddenly had a picture of Jeff Foxworthy in front of an audience saying......"You might be a redneck.... if you pull into the convenience store in the family car for a Pepsi and a candy-bar after a funeral".......

And we all laughed. And it felt good. And I think if Daddy was there he would have laughed at BOTH those things.

The morning my daddy passed, he had a really good day. I was getting ready to start work at a new site, but had requested a few days between leaving the old one and starting on the new one. I wanted a few days to spend with my parents, helping mama and just spending some time with my daddy.

I had went up to their house after breakfast that morning( husband and I lived in the guest-house on the back side of the property) and Dad was having a REALLY good day. He wasn't in so much pain, he was bright eyed and talkative. We had his bed set up in the living room positioned so he could look out the big bay windows onto the front yard and the street in front of it. The sun was shining- it was that period of time in between late summer and early Autumn when it was just perfectly lovely outside. Mom wanted to have a nap- so I told her to go ahead and I would be happy to stay in there and visit with my daddy. So she went to nap an hour or so and I climbed up on the bed with my daddy and laid my head on his shoulder and held his hand. I asked him all the things I had every wanted to know from his point of view. I asked how he and mom met. And how he proposed to her. I asked  what he remembered about me being born and as a baby. I asked him if he thought I had done well, or if he hoped I would have done better... And I told him all the main things I remembered about him as standing out when I was growing up.

It was a good day.

After a while, mom got up and dad told me to go home and get some rest as I had worked the night before. I suspect he was tired from our talking too, but the other kids were due to come over a little later and he wanted to rest a bit before they got there so they could have a good visit too.

So I hugged him, and kissed his cheek and told him he was the best daddy EVER and I went to my house. A couple of hours later my baby brother called and said they had called the nurse- daddy was leaving us.

I went up there. the nurse was there and she said it was just a matter of time- to say what we needed or wanted to say.

Mom and the other kids were crowded around his bed,  tears streaming down their faces, and my daddy, my sweet, hardworking hero, looked around at us, then gazed off into the distance and said, "It's so beautiful...." as his eyes closed the final time.

I was standing in the doorway with my husbands arms wrapped around me. I had had my time with my daddy, I didn't need to say anything more.  I just watched as my daddy slipped from this world to the next.

My heart will always carry that memory with me. 
 And now comes the hard part- learning to live without him.

I AM THE STAR.

Recently my Mere Mortal wrote a post on Movie Remakes. Interesting reading and he made some very good points.

The part that really made me think tho, was this.....

We eventually have to accept that we don’t get to be Jedi, flying around the universe in the Millenium Falcon. That we’re not the star in our own personal movie, and we live in world where the good guys don’t always win, and the bad guy doesn’t get chucked into a super-weapon’s main reactor.

And I have to disagree with one tiny part of that statement.

I think we ARE absolutely the Star in our own personal movie. We are also the director, and in most cases, the writer. I know I'm the star in MY movie- who else better to play me than ME? It comes naturally for me to act/or react in my life JUST the way I do, because- well- that's exactly HOW I DO act/react. I live every single scene in my movie. I cry- I laugh- I get mad- I screw up- I make up and I make love. I over-eat, swear I'm going to do better, and then do it again. I think " I can do this" and I try again. Sometimes in my endeavors I succeed- sometimes I fail. I take chances at some things- and in others I absolutely steadfastly refuse to give up or give in and I fight back. I argue, I fuss, I nag. I fall down, and I get back up. I change myself- do countless makeovers- again and again. I stage the scenes and then think how can I do this better. How can it change my life movie and make it a Number One for me? 

Outside forces will deinately come into play- the assistant director or the producer and other actors -not to mention my leading man, will surely have input into the storyline, but ultimately, it's my lifestory- and I have the final say in the decisions I make and the way the plot goes. 

I have/will run into obstacles, I have/will overcome them. Or not. I look back on things that have happened in my life and become better for them. I look back at other things and cringe and hide from them. But I'm always looking for ways to make my life movie better- more interesting-more pleasurable. Both for me and the people in my life who are watching this epic thriller/action/drama/romance/comedy....and yes-even sometimes musical- (much to a few peoples consternation, I'm sure) with me.

Yes. I definitely AM the writer-director and STAR in my own life movie. 

I wonder how it will all turn out?

Stay tuned for the Epic Saga of .....

 The Life & Times Of The Goddess

All Day-Every Day- And only on this channel.

*Goddess Eyebrow*

It's been awhile- yes. The truth is, I'm on a roller coaster of emotions right now and I'm trying to stablize.
Being a Goddess does NOT in any way, shape or form make you immune to life's stresses and failures. If anything I think it sometimes magnifies them.
On the one hand, I am finding a lot of joy in my relationship. My Mere Mortal is bringing me nothing but happiness and I am absolutely basking in the golden aura of it.
On the other hand, I have gained 15 pounds or so since returning from my sabbatical and it's becoming quite a struggle to keep it somewhat under control.

But that being said, I have lost a tiny bit over two pounds this week so maybe the weight is going to not be such a problem after all. I have always tended to eat a bit of things that are bad for me whilst at work- unless I bring something from home there is nothing to eat there except junk food and it makes it extremely difficult to resist when you have a sweet tooth AND you're hypo-glycemic. That means your blood sugar drops like a stone at the drop of a hat- usually with no warning until I'm shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. So I always keep either an emergency sweet , or a pack of glucose tablets handy- just in case......only the just in case usually tends to be "just in case" I get a bit peckish and know it's there.

Well, this week, I still had my nibbles occasionally, but I also have been bringing bananas and oranges to work with me to eat if I get peckish- PLUS- I have my morning mug of coffee, but as soon as it hits noon- the only thing I drink has been  water. I've said it before and I'll say it again- if I don't drink my water- I don't lose- or worse- I gain. And this past month has proven me right yet again!!

I also still haven't been back to the gym yet. I cant force myself to go. I know I need to- and I psych myself up and am ready to go once I get home, but by the time I get changed into my gym clothes and gather my keys and my access card and pull my hair back so I don't sweat and get overheated while I'm working out- I'm exhausted and have just completely lost all will and enthusiasm. So I just end up sitting down and not going. I have got to resolve these issues.

I received a couple of powerful crystal pendants from one of my friends who is(I think) a Celtic Witch.
She's never said in so many words, but  my Goddess Sense is tingling and I can usually tell when a kindred spirit is in the vicinity of me. I've been particularly drawn to one of them and have been wearing it practically non stop since the day it arrived. It has a positivity that just makes me feel on top of the world. (Except for that gym thing which is REALLY annoying.) I'm going to try the other one too....maybe it will give me the extra mojo I need. Or maybe I can wear them together.....

My Sister of the Heart- Breianna- has offered me an opportunity in a couple of business ventures. As much as I detest my job, I'm seriously contemplating taking her up on it. There may be a couple of downsides to it- but I think they may be overcome. Things always work out if you want them to. One of them may even help me in the looking better/healthier lifestyle way. I know it would defo make me think about how I look more. But more on that later if it all pans out for us.

I've also started a project that seems doomed. I'm a photographer and have started a year-long project with a new model. A camera shy one. Now- I have to say that  she has been great. She agreed to DO the project with me(HUGE for her!!!) and during our first mini-shoot she really started to loosen up and seemed to get into the spirit of it. But the past couple of weekends(it's a couple of hours every weekend kind of project- not too time consuming for either of us) something has come up that prevented us from our shoot. I know- things like that happen all the time- but for some reason this project is fighting us at every turn. It may take two years, but we WILL see this thru. It's too important to us both. I have so many ideas for the shoots. Our main problem is that we live so far apart. When we started planning the project we both lived in the same town- about 10 minutes apart. Well, Breianna(Yes- the same Breianna is my camera shy model, what can I say-she trusts very few people to do this and it's a golden opportunity for me as a photographer so we went with it!!!) got a fabulous new job, and a fabulous new significant other, and a fabulous new apartment in a fabulous little town a couple weeks later and now lives about 40 miles away from me. So with us both working our day jobs during the week, a commute during the week is totally out of the question, and we've planned on alternating weekends travel for the shoots, but we also have to take in our significant others plans for us- as well as the weather and travel and it's ....difficult. But we WILL get it done. We are both just that kind of stubborn and as Goddesses, we WILL have our way.

Anyway, That's what's going on in this Goddess's life, at the moment. I'm having a few blips, but I'm getting my Goddessness back and will be back full force again soon. Just you wait and see.

*Goddess Eyebrow*

Thankful For My Blessings....

Things are looking up for this Goddess. I got a bit of good news today. Something seemingly insignificant for most people but for me- it's a Godsend. And no- I'm not ready to share quite yet.

I seem to have gotten my Goddess Mojo back while I was on my Sabbatical.  I feel revived. Stronger- more determined and capable. I came to terms with some truths that I hadn't wanted to deal with.  I have learned a lot about not only myself, but about others that were in my thoughts.

I have learned that life can deal you a heavy hand- and then just as quickly you are dealt a winning hand. And this past month I have been dealt a Royal Flush.  I have learned that a bad situation can indeed turn itself around and become a blessing in disguise.

I have learned that I CAN count on the one person I love most in this world. I learned that he loves me as much as I love him- and I have nothing to be afraid of. He isn't going to cheat on me. He isn't going to leave me. He isn't going to give up on us. If he was going to do any of that- he had plenty of opportunities to do it- especially in the past month. Instead, what I got was him being there every single time I have needed/wanted him. And there was a few of those times- twice when I spiritually needed him, and twice when I physically needed to speak with him. He was there- waiting with his lovely heart, and the perfect words I needed to hear. Advice I wanted, but didn't actually NEED. It was the best feeling in the world to know he is with me- even when we aren't together in the same space....or state- or country, even!

I have a friend, who has helped me thru a few hard times. She taught me how to regain my inner peace and calm when I was in the midst of a mental storm. She showed The Goddess that we ALL are allowed to have doubts about ourselves, it's okay to be weak sometimes, that if you have a shoulder to lean on- you will survive.... and thrive. She was my rock at one of the lowest points of my live and It hink the world of her. I think of her as a Sister Goddess. A sister of the heart.

I have truly been Blesses by the Powers of the Gods.

The Goddess Has Returned

The Goddess has returned. Not only from Sabbatical- but to her former Glory.

I had a wonderful week in Valhala with my Sister Goddesses and other family and friends. The trip there was relatively uneventful....the trip back a nightmare. More on that later.

I think I regained a lot of myself back on my trip. I also think I lost a bit of myself tho.

I reconnected with my stengths- something I hadn't been able to get a grip on since my move to my Mere Mortals homeland. I had felt lost- not quite at home- altho I was comfortable and growing to love it more each day. I still didn't feel quite like I had come to terms with my leaving all I had behind.

Going back made me see that I wasn't completely dependant on my Mere Mortal. No matter where I was in the world- I can still be strong and still be myself-GODDESS. I solved problems on my own. I made my own decisions. I didn't call for help. I fixed things myself. I was strong and found that part of me again.

As the hymn says...
I once was Lost, but now I'm Found...
Was Blind, but now I See.

The Goddess has Returned.

My Mere Mortal seems to need a bit of training however. Our tenth wedding anniversary plans to go to Paris for dinner were  waylaid by the events of my return from Valhalla. However...........My darling MM somehow muddled his thinking and altho I had specifically said I didn't really want to go to Paris for dinner, when he asked what I DID want- I said I only would really like Flowers and a nice dinner out somewhere local. Apparently, he decided not to do that either. So our Milestone Anniversary has passed like a shadow in the night....

I must somehow remedy this situation.

A Return To Valhalla....

Every once in a while, a Goddess must return to her roots.

And this Goddess is returning to her Valhalla in a couple of days. She will be spending time reconnecting with her Demi-god and Demi-goddess and sister Goddesses  for a blissful seven days.

I will be eating, and drinking, and shopping and getting, and giving, much love and adoration.

It will be hard to leave my Mere Mortal(aka My hubby, My God) behind for a week, but he is looking forward to a week on his own as much as this Goddess is looking forward to her time with her family.

I had a frank discussion with my husband about my job situation. He was most understanding about it and suggested I not worry about it until  after my holidays and until the situation becomes unbearable at work.
I had expected him to be vehemently opposed to the idea, much because the job I may be changing to is in the town we just moved from- around sixty miles commuter every day, but it turns out he's very supportive about it. After all he says- It's just a train ride away and as long as the pay is enough for us to still be comfortable and be able to afford our bills and the travel expenses, it won't be a problem. Who knows.....maybe at some point he might change jobs and we might move back to the area, too. Heck, his parents are moving to Spain in two years so maybe we might even be able to buy their house at that point.

But that's far into the future.

Right now, I'm just glad  things are working out the way they are.
One of my best friends(whom I consider a sister) has moved to a new job, has a new man in her life and she is finally happy. I think she may be on her way to a blissfully happy relationship, just like me and my Mere Mortal.
I'm going home to Valhalla to reconnect with my family.
I have the most wonderful husband in the world.
I have a decent job- and the promise of a better one as a possibility in the future.

Life is good.

Mere Mortal....My God...

Yes- we Goddesses do have our Mere Mortals.

But once in a while, we find a Mere Mortal who is heads above the others. And that's our Soul-mate.

I found mine. Yes, we argue and yes, we have habits that annoy the hell out of each other. But when I look at him, I still get butterflies in my stomach and my heart skips beats.
When he walks into a room, I can tell. Even if my back is to him, there's an electrical current in the air that practically crackles and I can feel the hair on my neck start to stand up. And when I turn around- there he is.

I love that man with every fibre of my being. I love his salt and pepper hair. It used to be jet back when  we first got married, but it has since turned a lovely salt and pepper during the almost 10 years we've been married.As my granny says- for every grey hair you've had a good time.

I love the way he tugs at his beard when he's concentrating on something he's doing. I love the way his butt looks when he walks across the room. I love they way his kisses always have a tinge of the taste of blueberries in them. (I have no idea either, but he does).

I love his thighs. He has the sexiest legs. Sturdy- muscular....no bird legs on my mere mortal. I even love his feet. I absolutely detest feet. I think feet have got to be the ugliest of God's creations. I cringe to even look at them-let alone touch them. But My Mere Mortals' feet fascinate me. They're long and wide and the second toe is longer than the big toe and it's even a bit longer than MY pinkie finger.....and I think they're adorable!!!

I love the way he buys me little things to make me laugh. I love the way he still wears the silver chain I gave him as a gift for his being my mentor/tutor when I bought my first computer and was scared to even turn the thing on.We had only known each other 6 months when I bought it for him and the clasp broke several years ago- but he won't even take it off long enough for the jewellers to repair it.

I love the way he will wrap his arms around my waist and kiss me on the back of the neck when I'm standing at the sink washing up the supper dishes. And I love it equally as much when we're walking along talking and he reaches over to hold my hand...or quietly crosses over to the side of the sidewalk so he's closest to the road and traffic than I am and tries to not make it obvious that's what he's doing.

My Mere Mortal? Yes.
But also My Love, My  Heart, My Husband.........and My God.

But we'll keep that our little secret. Ummmmmmkay????

Goddess Rules,
Elena xxxx

On Doms & Subs.....And Naughtiness in the Bedroom.

My new friend over at Betty Rage Explains It All wrote a post on one of her dates.

Now, from what I gather, this guy is a FIT HOTTIE. You can read all about him on her blog and get it straight from Betty's mouth, but he's a Dane, and hung like a horse. And a bit on the submissive side. I cant wait to hear how that date went last night.

Anyway, in the comments, I said that I think in order to find out who our true selves are- we have to try new things now and again....go outside our comfort zone. And I honestly believe that with all my heart.

There are few things I haven't tried.
One thing I've kept is the spanking. O.M.G. I love to get spanked by my Mere Mortal. And when he does it- in my estimation he is a GOD. He knows exactly how hard I like it and where I like it too. Being brought up in a traditional middle class home- his upbringing is such that he isn't entirely comfortable with hitting a woman in any way, shape, or form....not even at her request. But he does it occasionally because he loves me and he wants to make me happy- and Happy he certainly DOES make ME!!!
I'm not sure what it is that makes spanking so hot for me. The bare skin contact for certain......the anticipation of the next stinging swat..... the tingling heat when it finally happens. Maybe it's the vuneralbility that I love, too.
I'm always trying to stay in control of every single aspect of my life. Budgeting, work, household chores, shopping.....everything has a process- an order in which things work most efficiently and smoothly.......but in the bedroom, it's not all about ME being in control. It's all about pleasing each other....about trying new things and keeping things fresh and lovely and interesting and naughty all at the same time.

I also love filthy talk. I used to be silent when MM and I were making love, but after watching sex movies one day(yes- I watch those kind of movies- more than my MM is truth be told)- I asked him if it would turn him off if I tried it. He said absolutely it would not and so I did. And that was some of the hottest sex ever.

I admit, I like cuddling. But I like a bit of rougher loving from my MM just as much. I like the nips and swats. I like the filthy talk and hair pulling. I absolutely ADORE bondage. The feeling of being completely and totally under my MMs control. The absolute trust you have to have in someone to allow them to do that. I could only do that with my soul mate. And my MM is mine. I have never put my trust so into one person before. And I daresay I never will again.

Back to the subject however........
I love erotic art.  My bedroom has to have erotic sculptures in it. Erotic art and photographs on the walls...things to inspire us and put our thoughts towards one ending....
 A Happy One...

Some people don't like things like that in their homes. They are afraid of people seeing it. I can see that for public areas such as the kitchen, dining or living room. But the Master bedroom- That's a Private area. It's not a place anyone but the Master(s) and Mistress(es) of the house should be and it should be exactly the way they want it to be- a place for them to be themselves- open and bare to their soul mate without the fear of being judged.

It's no ones business but their own- The Master Bedroom is off limits to the public. Especially the  Parents and Children.

It's your own Private Heaven.


Goddess Rules,
Elena xxxx