The Darkness & The Light.

I am a troubled Goddess.

Things aren't going well in my world and I become more and more troubled every day. I find myself thinking on things I have no control over. Why? I have no idea. I tell myself to just let things go- there's no need to worry and obsess over things unless there is something to actually worry and obsess about.

But do I listen to myself? No. I do not. I worry and fret.

But that is going to change.  I cannot change what I cannot control. I am finished letting fear and worry control my life.

From now on, I am taking a page out of Betty Rage's book and I am going to let go and just be a Fabulous Goddess.

No more  emotional eating. No more slacking off and making excuses to not go to the gym. No more worrying over things that are happening a half a world away to someone who continually brings bad fortune upon themselves and wants other people to bail them out. I can't. I won't.
They need to grow up and be an adult. I had to do it at a MUCH younger age than they are now. I did a few things I'm not really proud of- but I did it because I wanted quick money to get myself out of an abusive relationship that I knew would end in my children getting hurt and me in prison for murder if I stayed. So I spent three months on the weekends in a big city as a topless dancer. I admit it.
And I'm not ashamed. I got enough money to get away- and then I did. And I got a proper job. I got a job in law enforcement. I learned to protect myself and my loved ones. And I made VERY capable friends. I even had one friend in Blackhawk who had friends he could have called favours in to should the need arise.

But the need hasn't arisen.

Lady Karma beat me to it. I won't go into details, but lets just say he won't be kicking and beating anyone ever again. Ever. And it scares me when I think of how absolutely gleeful I was to hear that news. Giddy with happiness. I must have an evil vindictive streak in me two miles wide. But I don't care. I am who I am because of the things that have happened to me in my life. Or maybe in spite of it? No- I think definitely because of it in this case.

But it comes with a price. There have been times when I had the blackest of black thoughts. Shadows in my soul that make me doubt my sanity sometimes....or wonder if it's on it's way out the door. But I still have my sweetness. To the people who love me and who haven't screwed me over or stabbed me in the back I am able to hold onto my light. I can laugh, and smile, and let my heart open and love these people. 

But sometimes, when the darkness is trying to worm it's way back into my soul, it whispers and reminds my heart that at one time- those same people that screwed me over and stabbed me in the back were people I thought loved me and cared too.....and for a few moments, I let the tiniest sliver of the shadow of doubt creep in ....until my light shines brighter than the darkness and I realise that I cannot make the people that love me and care about me pay for the past sins of the evil ones. It's not fair- not only to them, but to me. I'm allowing those haters to ruin the rest of my life- a life that, other than the doubts the shadows cast,  is filled with happiness and laughter and love.

And that's what I am striving for for the rest of my life. Because I have lived in the shadows too long. I'm Coming out into the light. I may even get rid of most of my black clothes.

But mark my words,  The darkness will be unleashed if the need arises. I have the key to it's cage.


Goddess Rules,
Elena xxx