Today I cried.
Week before last I had a discussion with my husband and asked that we set one day a week aside to have some "us" time- meaning we make love. So that week we did. All last week I asked. one thing then another was the reason for us "not". Then I thought well this weekend we have a long weekend- so I made sure to get 95% of the housework out of the way so we could have the rest of the weekend free. So Friday night he headed to the bedroom and I asked if he wanted to- and he said no. It was "too Late". I said "Oh FFS!!!" And I think he took offense.
Well I kinda took offense too.
So he hasn't had much to say to me all weekend.... a word or two here or there... but that's about it. So this morning, I slept in with him.... and when he got up- I asked him " Before you put on your clothes would-" and before I even finished the sentence he said No....grabbed his clothes, got dressed and went out the door for a walk.
And I cried. And cried- and cried myself back to sleep.
I've always had a higher sex drive than him, but in the past couple of years it seems like he's less and less interested- unless HE's interested.
What is WRONG with me? I know I've gained a bit of weight- but so has he and I still want to be intimate. Is it because I'm getting older that he is becoming less interested? is it because HE's getting older he's losing interest? It's not because I'm not giving him opportunity- I'm forever flashing him boobs- and all he says is "Put them away..." and roll his eyes. He says it in a half joking kind of way- but it still hurts my feelings. And the way he said No and cut me short today just broke my heart.
In his defense- he did buy me a ..."toy" a couple years ago, but it's so damn boring. I dont just want fucking- I want the intimacy of the touches and the hugs and kisses and cuddles. I feel like we are growing apart and the more I try to get things back to the way they were the further away I seem to be pushing him.
I dont want to spend the rest of my life wanting something I'm not going to be lovingly given. I have a husband- and we should both be getting the things we need from this relationship. Not just doing cooking and cleaning and spending 99% of my time alone with no one to talk to. I talk to my daughter almost every night on Skype- I talk to my sisters and my mom and very occasionally my brothers- maybe twice a year. I have one friend here that I text every morning and occasionally in the evenings, but we only speak on the phone only once or twice a year- and I love her like a sister. I speak to the people at work- when I have to- but with the exception of two people I dont actually have "personal conversations". I TRY to keep myself occupied- but I want time with him too.
While hubby spends his time gaming, I spend my time on FB and watching the idiot box and daydreaming of the days gone by when we would cuddle on the sofa- each doing our own thing but touching and knowing how much we mean to each other.
I feel alone. More alone than I have ever felt in my life.
I feel like I'm living on a deserted island and I can see the next island over and everyone there is laughing and joking and having a good time and enjoying their life. Things aren't perfect on the other island- but at least they have each other to go thru those not so good things with.... Me- I'm just over here watching life pass day after day after day- waving and smiling as someone occasionally glances over and sees I'm there- always hoping things will get better and tomorrow things will be different.
Maybe things will look brighter tomorrow- or maybe not.
What does it really matter, after all?.....
Monday 17 April 2017
Saturday 15 April 2017
Who's Fooling Who?
Well, today has certainly been an interesting day in the life of this Goddess on Earth.
I'm going to get a bit personal and hope that the beautiful ladies in question don't take it the wrong way.
First of all- I got a text this morning from a young Goddette relative begging for my help. She wanted to know the name of her father. Her mother refuses to give her the information and Goddette is beside herself. She had fallen in love and been asked to marry the man of her dreams- only he has the same last name as she does. She found paternity testing papers a few years ago and the results said that the man she though was her biological father was indeed not. And so began the questions- and her mother's refusal to give a satisfactory answer.
Now- I could see Fellow Goddess not wanting to discuss details under certain circumstances- such as rape or incest or such- but even then, I still think Goddette(as would we all) deserves to know who her parents are if there is ANY way possible. But those rules do NOT apply in this case. On and off for the past few years Goddette will put out a plea to her relatives begging for any information.
Today, I told her to ask a couple of people- beginning with the person she thought was her biological father. It turns out she already tried and he also refuses to even speak with her about it- or anything else. So I told her to try the second person- and in the meantime I will contact her Goddess-Mother and speak with her and try to convince her to tell Goddette the truth. It WILL eventually come out and as I said- I think she has a right to know. There are medical issues she needs answered plus she needs the information before she can give the mere mortal of her dreams an answer as to whether she can marry him. Goddette is close to 30 years old. Enough is enough. I am tired of hearing the child beg for information she should have been given- be it Gladly Given or Grudgingly Given.
My dilemma is the Goddess Mother is someone who is very near and dear to my heart- and I do not want this to come between us- and if I give Goddette the information she seeks, there will definitely be hard feelings- possibly irreparable damage to both mine and Goddess-Mother's AND to Goddette and Goddess-Mother.
On the one hand I feel I should let Goddess-Mother handle it as she sees fit- it is HER Child and her story to tell, after all.
On the other hand, I was in a situation where I found something and asked questions and was given answers- but I feel like it wasn't actually the whole truth- if at all. So I can feel for Goddette wanting answers she may never get about something that she should already know.
One of my fellow Goddesses is moving house. she's recently received a golden opportunity for her career and she has taken it. She was stagnating at her former place of employment- I could see her withering before my eyes. She basically was running the company without having the benefits of
the salary or the title. She was always running herself ragged putting out fires that upper management created and it was sucking the life and happiness out of her.
Now her new career path has put her in a place she loves- in a position she loves- but it's a long and dangerous daily commute. She's only been at it a few weeks but I can hear the smile in her voice and the lilt of happiness coming back. So, she has been looking at homes in the area- I think maybe it started out as just a lark, but she has actually found a place and has the keys and is moving house this weekend.
So what's the problem with that, you ask. Absolutely nothing. Except she was in a relationship. Living in. She is in bits this morning upset and she says they are working on the relationship and that they aren't splitting up- they are just living separately so she can get her head wrapped around everything and figure out what she needs in her life. She was crying this morning as she was packing to move- and still insisting that she and S/O arent splitting up.
I'm sorry my Sister-Godess is upset, but I think she is lying to herself- or trying to convince herself.
You can't move out of a home with your significant other unless you are unhappy and see it going nowhere. Moving out is a last resort- and Sister-Goddess has tried everything else. Talks, couples counseling, arguments, pleading, everything and anything she has heard of to try and reverse this path they have been going down - in the wrong direction.
I know she cares for her Mere Mortal.... otherwise she wouldn't have tried as desperately as she did to get things back on the right path... but sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. If you are very very lucky, you can remain friends, but I honestly dont think it will happen in this case. I think they will try for a couple of months, but I think it's too broken and just seeing each other will remind them of everything that went wrong and make it impossible to maintain for long. I dont think her MM is right for her. He's a nice enough guy, but she needs someone who is strong enough to walk BY her, not in front of her taking credit for her hard work- and not behind her letting her take the burdens all on her shoulders while he stands back and waits.
In all honesty, I think he takes her for granted- and has used her to an extent- not intentionally, maybe.. but I think he needed someone strong to save his company and with his background- I honestly think he wanted the strong mother figure he always wanted but never had with his own mother.
And I dont think it was one bit fair to Sister-Goddess to do so.
I know this is the right move for Sister-Goddess. I know she will blossom in the next year and spread her wings and FLY. I just want her to know I am here if she needs someone to talk to- or just do something with. I'm Here For You.
I'm going to get a bit personal and hope that the beautiful ladies in question don't take it the wrong way.
First of all- I got a text this morning from a young Goddette relative begging for my help. She wanted to know the name of her father. Her mother refuses to give her the information and Goddette is beside herself. She had fallen in love and been asked to marry the man of her dreams- only he has the same last name as she does. She found paternity testing papers a few years ago and the results said that the man she though was her biological father was indeed not. And so began the questions- and her mother's refusal to give a satisfactory answer.
Now- I could see Fellow Goddess not wanting to discuss details under certain circumstances- such as rape or incest or such- but even then, I still think Goddette(as would we all) deserves to know who her parents are if there is ANY way possible. But those rules do NOT apply in this case. On and off for the past few years Goddette will put out a plea to her relatives begging for any information.
Today, I told her to ask a couple of people- beginning with the person she thought was her biological father. It turns out she already tried and he also refuses to even speak with her about it- or anything else. So I told her to try the second person- and in the meantime I will contact her Goddess-Mother and speak with her and try to convince her to tell Goddette the truth. It WILL eventually come out and as I said- I think she has a right to know. There are medical issues she needs answered plus she needs the information before she can give the mere mortal of her dreams an answer as to whether she can marry him. Goddette is close to 30 years old. Enough is enough. I am tired of hearing the child beg for information she should have been given- be it Gladly Given or Grudgingly Given.
My dilemma is the Goddess Mother is someone who is very near and dear to my heart- and I do not want this to come between us- and if I give Goddette the information she seeks, there will definitely be hard feelings- possibly irreparable damage to both mine and Goddess-Mother's AND to Goddette and Goddess-Mother.
On the one hand I feel I should let Goddess-Mother handle it as she sees fit- it is HER Child and her story to tell, after all.
On the other hand, I was in a situation where I found something and asked questions and was given answers- but I feel like it wasn't actually the whole truth- if at all. So I can feel for Goddette wanting answers she may never get about something that she should already know.
*******************************************************
Now for the second quandary.One of my fellow Goddesses is moving house. she's recently received a golden opportunity for her career and she has taken it. She was stagnating at her former place of employment- I could see her withering before my eyes. She basically was running the company without having the benefits of
the salary or the title. She was always running herself ragged putting out fires that upper management created and it was sucking the life and happiness out of her.
Now her new career path has put her in a place she loves- in a position she loves- but it's a long and dangerous daily commute. She's only been at it a few weeks but I can hear the smile in her voice and the lilt of happiness coming back. So, she has been looking at homes in the area- I think maybe it started out as just a lark, but she has actually found a place and has the keys and is moving house this weekend.
So what's the problem with that, you ask. Absolutely nothing. Except she was in a relationship. Living in. She is in bits this morning upset and she says they are working on the relationship and that they aren't splitting up- they are just living separately so she can get her head wrapped around everything and figure out what she needs in her life. She was crying this morning as she was packing to move- and still insisting that she and S/O arent splitting up.
I'm sorry my Sister-Godess is upset, but I think she is lying to herself- or trying to convince herself.
You can't move out of a home with your significant other unless you are unhappy and see it going nowhere. Moving out is a last resort- and Sister-Goddess has tried everything else. Talks, couples counseling, arguments, pleading, everything and anything she has heard of to try and reverse this path they have been going down - in the wrong direction.
I know she cares for her Mere Mortal.... otherwise she wouldn't have tried as desperately as she did to get things back on the right path... but sometimes the best thing you can do is walk away. If you are very very lucky, you can remain friends, but I honestly dont think it will happen in this case. I think they will try for a couple of months, but I think it's too broken and just seeing each other will remind them of everything that went wrong and make it impossible to maintain for long. I dont think her MM is right for her. He's a nice enough guy, but she needs someone who is strong enough to walk BY her, not in front of her taking credit for her hard work- and not behind her letting her take the burdens all on her shoulders while he stands back and waits.
In all honesty, I think he takes her for granted- and has used her to an extent- not intentionally, maybe.. but I think he needed someone strong to save his company and with his background- I honestly think he wanted the strong mother figure he always wanted but never had with his own mother.
And I dont think it was one bit fair to Sister-Goddess to do so.
I know this is the right move for Sister-Goddess. I know she will blossom in the next year and spread her wings and FLY. I just want her to know I am here if she needs someone to talk to- or just do something with. I'm Here For You.
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