Invisible...

Today I cried.

Week before last I had a discussion with my husband and asked that we set one day a week aside to have some "us" time- meaning we make love. So that week we did. All last week I asked. one thing then another was the reason for us "not". Then I thought well  this weekend we have a long weekend- so I made sure to get 95% of the housework out of the way so we could have the rest of the weekend free. So Friday night he headed to the bedroom and I asked if he wanted to- and he said no. It was "too Late". I said "Oh FFS!!!" And I think he took offense.
Well I kinda took offense too.
So he hasn't had much to say to me all weekend.... a word or two here or there... but that's about it. So this morning, I slept in with him.... and when he got up- I asked him " Before you put on your clothes would-" and before I even finished the sentence he said No....grabbed his clothes, got dressed and went out the door for a walk. 
And I cried. And cried- and cried myself back to sleep.
I've always had a higher sex drive than him, but in the past couple of years it seems like he's less and less interested- unless HE's interested.
What is WRONG with me? I know I've gained a bit of weight- but so has he and I still want to be intimate. Is it because I'm getting older that he is becoming less interested? is it because HE's getting older he's losing interest? It's not because I'm not giving him opportunity- I'm forever flashing him boobs- and all he says is "Put them away..." and roll his eyes. He says it in a half joking kind of way- but it still hurts my feelings. And the way he said No and cut me short today just broke my heart.
In his defense- he did buy me a ..."toy" a couple years ago, but it's so damn boring. I dont just want fucking- I want the intimacy of the touches and the hugs and kisses and cuddles. I feel like we are growing apart and the more I try to get things back to the way they were the further away I seem to be pushing him.
I dont want to spend the rest of my life wanting something I'm not going to be lovingly given. I have a husband- and we should both be getting the things we need from this relationship. Not just doing cooking and cleaning and spending 99% of my time alone with no one to talk to. I talk to my daughter almost every night on Skype- I talk to my sisters and my mom and very occasionally my brothers- maybe twice a year. I have one friend here that I text every morning and occasionally in the evenings, but we only speak on the phone only once  or twice a year- and I love her like a sister. I speak to the people at work- when I have to- but with the exception of two people I dont actually have "personal conversations". I TRY to keep myself occupied- but I want time with him too.
While hubby spends his time gaming, I spend my time on FB and watching the idiot box and daydreaming of the days gone by when we would cuddle on the sofa- each doing our own thing but touching and knowing how much we mean to each other.

I feel alone. More alone than I have ever felt in my life.

I feel like I'm living on a deserted island and I can see the next island over and everyone there is laughing and joking and having a good time and enjoying their life. Things aren't perfect on the other island- but at least they have each other to go thru those  not so good things with.... Me- I'm just over here watching life pass day after day after day- waving and smiling as someone occasionally glances over and sees I'm there- always hoping things will get better and tomorrow things will be different.
Maybe things will look brighter tomorrow- or maybe not.
What does it really matter, after all?.....