I am a troubled Goddess.
Things aren't going well in my world and I become more and more troubled every day. I find myself thinking on things I have no control over. Why? I have no idea. I tell myself to just let things go- there's no need to worry and obsess over things unless there is something to actually worry and obsess about.
But do I listen to myself? No. I do not. I worry and fret.
But that is going to change. I cannot change what I cannot control. I am finished letting fear and worry control my life.
From now on, I am taking a page out of Betty Rage's book and I am going to let go and just be a Fabulous Goddess.
No more emotional eating. No more slacking off and making excuses to not go to the gym. No more worrying over things that are happening a half a world away to someone who continually brings bad fortune upon themselves and wants other people to bail them out. I can't. I won't.
They need to grow up and be an adult. I had to do it at a MUCH younger age than they are now. I did a few things I'm not really proud of- but I did it because I wanted quick money to get myself out of an abusive relationship that I knew would end in my children getting hurt and me in prison for murder if I stayed. So I spent three months on the weekends in a big city as a topless dancer. I admit it.
And I'm not ashamed. I got enough money to get away- and then I did. And I got a proper job. I got a job in law enforcement. I learned to protect myself and my loved ones. And I made VERY capable friends. I even had one friend in Blackhawk who had friends he could have called favours in to should the need arise.
But the need hasn't arisen.
Lady Karma beat me to it. I won't go into details, but lets just say he won't be kicking and beating anyone ever again. Ever. And it scares me when I think of how absolutely gleeful I was to hear that news. Giddy with happiness. I must have an evil vindictive streak in me two miles wide. But I don't care. I am who I am because of the things that have happened to me in my life. Or maybe in spite of it? No- I think definitely because of it in this case.
But it comes with a price. There have been times when I had the blackest of black thoughts. Shadows in my soul that make me doubt my sanity sometimes....or wonder if it's on it's way out the door. But I still have my sweetness. To the people who love me and who haven't screwed me over or stabbed me in the back I am able to hold onto my light. I can laugh, and smile, and let my heart open and love these people.
But sometimes, when the darkness is trying to worm it's way back into my soul, it whispers and reminds my heart that at one time- those same people that screwed me over and stabbed me in the back were people I thought loved me and cared too.....and for a few moments, I let the tiniest sliver of the shadow of doubt creep in ....until my light shines brighter than the darkness and I realise that I cannot make the people that love me and care about me pay for the past sins of the evil ones. It's not fair- not only to them, but to me. I'm allowing those haters to ruin the rest of my life- a life that, other than the doubts the shadows cast, is filled with happiness and laughter and love.
And that's what I am striving for for the rest of my life. Because I have lived in the shadows too long. I'm Coming out into the light. I may even get rid of most of my black clothes.
But mark my words, The darkness will be unleashed if the need arises. I have the key to it's cage.
Goddess Rules,
Elena xxx
Tuesday 24 June 2014
Monday 16 June 2014
In Remembrance of My Hero.....My Dad
…I remember when my Dad would let me ‘ride’ on the steering wheel of the old truck we had when I was about 1 ½
…I remember when I thought the best thing ever was standing next to my Dad with my arm around his neck as he spun his tires in the sand driveway.
…I remember my Dad taking us to the Shell station on White Horse road and getting to choose any candy we wanted from the HUGE glass display case.
…I remember my Dad taking us camping in the Pisgah Forest in North Carolina and teaching me to fly-fish even though I was only 7 and a girl.
….I remember making my Dad fudge and him smiling as he took it and asking “And what do you want, now?” I also remember him taking the fudge to his office and locking it in his filing cabinet so he didn’t have to share and could enjoy it in peace and quiet.
…I remember my Dad teaching me to drive a manual transmission car. I remember him telling me that when you slow down to make a turn, you shift down. I remember trashing a transmission (trying to get home before curfew) when I shifted down to first gear and popped the clutch going 40mph because Dad assumed I was smart enough to realise you had to be going slow to do that. I also remember him not laughing at me while we towed the car home at 4am
…I remember Dad walking me down the aisle when I got married. He was trembling more than I was. Now I know why.
…I remember Dad helping me rebuild my car when it was totalled a few years back. I had just put close to $2000 in a motor for it the week before and couldn’t afford to buy a new one, even with the coverage from insurance.
…I remember Dad handing me his hanky when I cried from everything from breakups to bad grades to skinned knees.
…I remember Dad always seemed larger than life - He was always my Hero.
My Hero is gone.
My Dad passed away, losing an eight year battle with Cancer in 2005.
The thing is, my daddy liked to laugh and have fun. He had a wicked sense of humour and I have-believe it or not- two stories (which I will combine)from the funeral that will hopefully bring a smile to you -as they did to us-and I think he would have too.
We had the funeral service- which was beautiful- and every one was understandably upset. The music did not help with easing the pain- the song selection was as follows...Amazing Grace,Long Black Train,Imagine...then the sermon, then two more songs.....Wind Beneath My Wings, and Angel by Sara McLaughlin.
After the sermon and music we were off to the cemetery. We were still upset- taking turns crying and trying to comfort each other when we weren't the one crying. Well, when we got to the cemetery the first family car veered off the road that led directly to the site and went towards the office. We waited about 10 minutes for them to finally come from the office. We laughed and said we bet someone had to go potty and how Daddy would have hated that. We told our Aunts who were with us that when we went on a trip with Daddy- as soon as the urge hit you had better say something, because it would be at least a hundred miles MORE before Daddy would actually pull over for us to go. NO JOKE.
Then we had the service at the grave site- they had three Navy personnel there- two to present the flag to Mom, and one to play Taps- which was hauntingly beautiful.
Then we all got back in the family cars and began the ride home. Suddenly the lead car pulled into a convenience store and two of the members in it rushed into the store. I commented that moms blood sugar must have dropped and they were getting her something to try and raise it til we got home(Mom is diabetic and that was exactly what had happened we learned later). But sitting in the parking lot I suddenly had a picture of Jeff Foxworthy in front of an audience saying......"You might be a redneck.... if you pull into the convenience store in the family car for a Pepsi and a candy-bar after a funeral".......
And we all laughed. And it felt good. And I think if Daddy was there he would have laughed at BOTH those things.
The morning my daddy passed, he had a really good day. I was getting ready to start work at a new site, but had requested a few days between leaving the old one and starting on the new one. I wanted a few days to spend with my parents, helping mama and just spending some time with my daddy.
I had went up to their house after breakfast that morning( husband and I lived in the guest-house on the back side of the property) and Dad was having a REALLY good day. He wasn't in so much pain, he was bright eyed and talkative. We had his bed set up in the living room positioned so he could look out the big bay windows onto the front yard and the street in front of it. The sun was shining- it was that period of time in between late summer and early Autumn when it was just perfectly lovely outside. Mom wanted to have a nap- so I told her to go ahead and I would be happy to stay in there and visit with my daddy. So she went to nap an hour or so and I climbed up on the bed with my daddy and laid my head on his shoulder and held his hand. I asked him all the things I had every wanted to know from his point of view. I asked how he and mom met. And how he proposed to her. I asked what he remembered about me being born and as a baby. I asked him if he thought I had done well, or if he hoped I would have done better... And I told him all the main things I remembered about him as standing out when I was growing up.
It was a good day.
After a while, mom got up and dad told me to go home and get some rest as I had worked the night before. I suspect he was tired from our talking too, but the other kids were due to come over a little later and he wanted to rest a bit before they got there so they could have a good visit too.
So I hugged him, and kissed his cheek and told him he was the best daddy EVER and I went to my house. A couple of hours later my baby brother called and said they had called the nurse- daddy was leaving us.
I went up there. the nurse was there and she said it was just a matter of time- to say what we needed or wanted to say.
Mom and the other kids were crowded around his bed, tears streaming down their faces, and my daddy, my sweet, hardworking hero, looked around at us, then gazed off into the distance and said, "It's so beautiful...." as his eyes closed the final time.
I was standing in the doorway with my husbands arms wrapped around me. I had had my time with my daddy, I didn't need to say anything more. I just watched as my daddy slipped from this world to the next.
My heart will always carry that memory with me.
And now comes the hard part- learning to live without him.
…I remember when my Dad would let me ‘ride’ on the steering wheel of the old truck we had when I was about 1 ½
…I remember when I thought the best thing ever was standing next to my Dad with my arm around his neck as he spun his tires in the sand driveway.
…I remember my Dad taking us to the Shell station on White Horse road and getting to choose any candy we wanted from the HUGE glass display case.
…I remember my Dad taking us camping in the Pisgah Forest in North Carolina and teaching me to fly-fish even though I was only 7 and a girl.
….I remember making my Dad fudge and him smiling as he took it and asking “And what do you want, now?” I also remember him taking the fudge to his office and locking it in his filing cabinet so he didn’t have to share and could enjoy it in peace and quiet.
…I remember my Dad teaching me to drive a manual transmission car. I remember him telling me that when you slow down to make a turn, you shift down. I remember trashing a transmission (trying to get home before curfew) when I shifted down to first gear and popped the clutch going 40mph because Dad assumed I was smart enough to realise you had to be going slow to do that. I also remember him not laughing at me while we towed the car home at 4am
…I remember Dad walking me down the aisle when I got married. He was trembling more than I was. Now I know why.
…I remember Dad helping me rebuild my car when it was totalled a few years back. I had just put close to $2000 in a motor for it the week before and couldn’t afford to buy a new one, even with the coverage from insurance.
…I remember Dad handing me his hanky when I cried from everything from breakups to bad grades to skinned knees.
…I remember Dad always seemed larger than life - He was always my Hero.
My Hero is gone.
My Dad passed away, losing an eight year battle with Cancer in 2005.
The thing is, my daddy liked to laugh and have fun. He had a wicked sense of humour and I have-believe it or not- two stories (which I will combine)from the funeral that will hopefully bring a smile to you -as they did to us-and I think he would have too.
We had the funeral service- which was beautiful- and every one was understandably upset. The music did not help with easing the pain- the song selection was as follows...Amazing Grace,Long Black Train,Imagine...then the sermon, then two more songs.....Wind Beneath My Wings, and Angel by Sara McLaughlin.
After the sermon and music we were off to the cemetery. We were still upset- taking turns crying and trying to comfort each other when we weren't the one crying. Well, when we got to the cemetery the first family car veered off the road that led directly to the site and went towards the office. We waited about 10 minutes for them to finally come from the office. We laughed and said we bet someone had to go potty and how Daddy would have hated that. We told our Aunts who were with us that when we went on a trip with Daddy- as soon as the urge hit you had better say something, because it would be at least a hundred miles MORE before Daddy would actually pull over for us to go. NO JOKE.
Then we had the service at the grave site- they had three Navy personnel there- two to present the flag to Mom, and one to play Taps- which was hauntingly beautiful.
Then we all got back in the family cars and began the ride home. Suddenly the lead car pulled into a convenience store and two of the members in it rushed into the store. I commented that moms blood sugar must have dropped and they were getting her something to try and raise it til we got home(Mom is diabetic and that was exactly what had happened we learned later). But sitting in the parking lot I suddenly had a picture of Jeff Foxworthy in front of an audience saying......"You might be a redneck.... if you pull into the convenience store in the family car for a Pepsi and a candy-bar after a funeral".......
And we all laughed. And it felt good. And I think if Daddy was there he would have laughed at BOTH those things.
The morning my daddy passed, he had a really good day. I was getting ready to start work at a new site, but had requested a few days between leaving the old one and starting on the new one. I wanted a few days to spend with my parents, helping mama and just spending some time with my daddy.
I had went up to their house after breakfast that morning( husband and I lived in the guest-house on the back side of the property) and Dad was having a REALLY good day. He wasn't in so much pain, he was bright eyed and talkative. We had his bed set up in the living room positioned so he could look out the big bay windows onto the front yard and the street in front of it. The sun was shining- it was that period of time in between late summer and early Autumn when it was just perfectly lovely outside. Mom wanted to have a nap- so I told her to go ahead and I would be happy to stay in there and visit with my daddy. So she went to nap an hour or so and I climbed up on the bed with my daddy and laid my head on his shoulder and held his hand. I asked him all the things I had every wanted to know from his point of view. I asked how he and mom met. And how he proposed to her. I asked what he remembered about me being born and as a baby. I asked him if he thought I had done well, or if he hoped I would have done better... And I told him all the main things I remembered about him as standing out when I was growing up.
It was a good day.
After a while, mom got up and dad told me to go home and get some rest as I had worked the night before. I suspect he was tired from our talking too, but the other kids were due to come over a little later and he wanted to rest a bit before they got there so they could have a good visit too.
So I hugged him, and kissed his cheek and told him he was the best daddy EVER and I went to my house. A couple of hours later my baby brother called and said they had called the nurse- daddy was leaving us.
I went up there. the nurse was there and she said it was just a matter of time- to say what we needed or wanted to say.
Mom and the other kids were crowded around his bed, tears streaming down their faces, and my daddy, my sweet, hardworking hero, looked around at us, then gazed off into the distance and said, "It's so beautiful...." as his eyes closed the final time.
I was standing in the doorway with my husbands arms wrapped around me. I had had my time with my daddy, I didn't need to say anything more. I just watched as my daddy slipped from this world to the next.
My heart will always carry that memory with me.
And now comes the hard part- learning to live without him.
Sunday 15 June 2014
I AM THE STAR.
Recently my Mere Mortal wrote a post on Movie Remakes. Interesting reading and he made some very good points.
The part that really made me think tho, was this.....
We eventually have to accept that we don’t get to be Jedi, flying around the universe in the Millenium Falcon. That we’re not the star in our own personal movie, and we live in world where the good guys don’t always win, and the bad guy doesn’t get chucked into a super-weapon’s main reactor.
All Day-Every Day- And only on this channel.
The part that really made me think tho, was this.....
We eventually have to accept that we don’t get to be Jedi, flying around the universe in the Millenium Falcon. That we’re not the star in our own personal movie, and we live in world where the good guys don’t always win, and the bad guy doesn’t get chucked into a super-weapon’s main reactor.
All Day-Every Day- And only on this channel.
*Goddess Eyebrow*
It's been awhile- yes. The truth is, I'm on a roller coaster of emotions right now and I'm trying to stablize.
Being a Goddess does NOT in any way, shape or form make you immune to life's stresses and failures. If anything I think it sometimes magnifies them.
On the one hand, I am finding a lot of joy in my relationship. My Mere Mortal is bringing me nothing but happiness and I am absolutely basking in the golden aura of it.
On the other hand, I have gained 15 pounds or so since returning from my sabbatical and it's becoming quite a struggle to keep it somewhat under control.
But that being said, I have lost a tiny bit over two pounds this week so maybe the weight is going to not be such a problem after all. I have always tended to eat a bit of things that are bad for me whilst at work- unless I bring something from home there is nothing to eat there except junk food and it makes it extremely difficult to resist when you have a sweet tooth AND you're hypo-glycemic. That means your blood sugar drops like a stone at the drop of a hat- usually with no warning until I'm shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. So I always keep either an emergency sweet , or a pack of glucose tablets handy- just in case......only the just in case usually tends to be "just in case" I get a bit peckish and know it's there.
Well, this week, I still had my nibbles occasionally, but I also have been bringing bananas and oranges to work with me to eat if I get peckish- PLUS- I have my morning mug of coffee, but as soon as it hits noon- the only thing I drink has been water. I've said it before and I'll say it again- if I don't drink my water- I don't lose- or worse- I gain. And this past month has proven me right yet again!!
I also still haven't been back to the gym yet. I cant force myself to go. I know I need to- and I psych myself up and am ready to go once I get home, but by the time I get changed into my gym clothes and gather my keys and my access card and pull my hair back so I don't sweat and get overheated while I'm working out- I'm exhausted and have just completely lost all will and enthusiasm. So I just end up sitting down and not going. I have got to resolve these issues.
I received a couple of powerful crystal pendants from one of my friends who is(I think) a Celtic Witch.
She's never said in so many words, but my Goddess Sense is tingling and I can usually tell when a kindred spirit is in the vicinity of me. I've been particularly drawn to one of them and have been wearing it practically non stop since the day it arrived. It has a positivity that just makes me feel on top of the world. (Except for that gym thing which is REALLY annoying.) I'm going to try the other one too....maybe it will give me the extra mojo I need. Or maybe I can wear them together.....
My Sister of the Heart- Breianna- has offered me an opportunity in a couple of business ventures. As much as I detest my job, I'm seriously contemplating taking her up on it. There may be a couple of downsides to it- but I think they may be overcome. Things always work out if you want them to. One of them may even help me in the looking better/healthier lifestyle way. I know it would defo make me think about how I look more. But more on that later if it all pans out for us.
I've also started a project that seems doomed. I'm a photographer and have started a year-long project with a new model. A camera shy one. Now- I have to say that she has been great. She agreed to DO the project with me(HUGE for her!!!) and during our first mini-shoot she really started to loosen up and seemed to get into the spirit of it. But the past couple of weekends(it's a couple of hours every weekend kind of project- not too time consuming for either of us) something has come up that prevented us from our shoot. I know- things like that happen all the time- but for some reason this project is fighting us at every turn. It may take two years, but we WILL see this thru. It's too important to us both. I have so many ideas for the shoots. Our main problem is that we live so far apart. When we started planning the project we both lived in the same town- about 10 minutes apart. Well, Breianna(Yes- the same Breianna is my camera shy model, what can I say-she trusts very few people to do this and it's a golden opportunity for me as a photographer so we went with it!!!) got a fabulous new job, and a fabulous new significant other, and a fabulous new apartment in a fabulous little town a couple weeks later and now lives about 40 miles away from me. So with us both working our day jobs during the week, a commute during the week is totally out of the question, and we've planned on alternating weekends travel for the shoots, but we also have to take in our significant others plans for us- as well as the weather and travel and it's ....difficult. But we WILL get it done. We are both just that kind of stubborn and as Goddesses, we WILL have our way.
Anyway, That's what's going on in this Goddess's life, at the moment. I'm having a few blips, but I'm getting my Goddessness back and will be back full force again soon. Just you wait and see.
*Goddess Eyebrow*
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