Goddess Elena has a choice/decision to make. And it is a HARD one.
1) I can go home this Thanksgiving BUT
I'll only have enough money to pay for my flight and have about $200 dollars to spend while I'm there.......
Pros:
I'll get to go home sooner and see my family earlier than I thought. My moms health is going downhill fast and I will defo be able to see her while she is still able-bodied and mostly with it mentally.
Cons:
I wont have money to go out or do any of the things I want to do the week I'm there. I literally will be there stuck in the house having to depend on everyone to feed me and take me wherever I want to go.
2) I can wait til NEXT Thanksgiving.
Pros:
I'll get to go home for the same amount of time, but be able to save money up so I can do Christmas shopping for everyone so they have Christmas under the tree from Nana AND I can bring something fabulous home for hubby from my visit. I'll be able to lose more weight before going so I look and FEEL fabulous while I'l there. I'll have more freedom to do what I really want to do on my visit.
Cons:
With my mom's health like it is there is about a 50/50 chance her mental and physical health will deteriorate before my visit since it's 17 months away. 17 months is a LONG time when you are homesick and haven't been home in two years.
Goddess Elena's Heart is torn. Help! I need to decide soon.
Sunday 5 June 2016
Saturday 4 June 2016
Hard Truths
There comes a day in every Goddess' life when she has to face some hard truths.
For me it's these. I may not feel this way tomorrow, or in the next hour even, but now, I do.
Altho I am strong- and have live thru shit I never thought I would ever HAVE to live thru- I am fragile. I crave human touch more than anyone else I know. And sometimes I feel so alone in this world because of it.
I moved halfway around the world for several reasons.
One was because of a situation I knew in my heart would make me end up having to choose between two people who mean the most in the world to me- along with one other. One I could not give up because they are flesh and blood- the other because would not give up the man I love.
Another reason was because I was losing my sanity. I had lost a child- an adult child, but no less, my child, and I couldn't live with the memories staring me in the face all the time.
I had reached the point I wanted to pull my hair out and run screaming from the room...or the house- and finally- the world.
All the pressure was too much. I was broken- and when my husband asked if I was serious about considering moving to his country- I jumped at the chance....my last chance.
I do not like these silences. I am alone all the time. In the office, I dont really talk with the people there- I have nothing in common with them except where we work. They are mostly all young singles who have other lives. I dont want to go out and party with them. If we do go out occasionally with some of the MMs workmates- it always, without fail, turns into a bitch session about work and I fucking hate that. I dont particularly like my job...it's boring, repetitious, and stressful and I'm overjoyed when the workday is done. I dont know how my friend does it as she is married to and works in the office with the company owner(different company tho) and still goes out with the lot of them to the pub for a night out. I just cannot do it.
I feel like I'm wasting what little is left of my life. Going to work I hate, coming home, cooking while hubby is doing stuff on his computer in the back room, then after eating- usually while my soaps are on and he is watching videos on his laptop on the other end of the couch, we remain so until time for bed. Then, do it all again the next day. On weekends, it's more of the same with a sprinkling of household errands thrown in for good measure....and about every other weekend we go out to have a lunch together and a visit with his parents in a neighboring town.
We never go out just for a bit of a day out ride- MM hates to drive. About once every couple months or so we go to a dinner and board game night with MM's workmates- and again- it usually turns into a bitch session about what's going on at work.
I tried going to the gym- Hated it. Hate going where there's a load of people you dont know and getting all hot and sweaty and ignoring each other.
I need a hobby. I do photography- but the last time I went out on a photo walk on my own it was a disaster with me somehow ending up breaking my foot in 3 places- on level ground and in trainers no less and not being able to get MM on the phone cause, guess what- he had his headphones on playing a game and didnt hear the phone going off... I had to walk back home on that foot and I was almost a half mile away.....so now I'm having a bit of trepidation about going anywhere alone.
I guess what I'm trying to say is- altho I love it here. I dont like the circumstances. I want a full life. I want to be cuddled, and I want to go see places and do things with the man I love. I dont want us to be like that couple in the restaurant....just sitting and eating- not looking at each other- and having nothing to talk about. I want us to do things together and talk and laugh together.
I hate the sound of silence.
We dont even try to make plans for the future. Nothing concrete anyway- it's all very vague. I'm the type person who wants to discuss what we want for the future and then try and figure out at least a somewhat solid timeline for making those dreams come true. Not this someday- or we'll talk about it later- closer to time. How do you know what you are going to need if you wait to closer to time and you have mis-estimated what you thought you would need? Then those plans have to be put on hold AGAIN while you regroup. Wasted time.
I get so frustrated about it all I just end up making everything worse.
What am I going to do to turn this around?........ how do I FIX my life?
For me it's these. I may not feel this way tomorrow, or in the next hour even, but now, I do.
Altho I am strong- and have live thru shit I never thought I would ever HAVE to live thru- I am fragile. I crave human touch more than anyone else I know. And sometimes I feel so alone in this world because of it.
I moved halfway around the world for several reasons.
One was because of a situation I knew in my heart would make me end up having to choose between two people who mean the most in the world to me- along with one other. One I could not give up because they are flesh and blood- the other because would not give up the man I love.
Another reason was because I was losing my sanity. I had lost a child- an adult child, but no less, my child, and I couldn't live with the memories staring me in the face all the time.
I had reached the point I wanted to pull my hair out and run screaming from the room...or the house- and finally- the world.
All the pressure was too much. I was broken- and when my husband asked if I was serious about considering moving to his country- I jumped at the chance....my last chance.
I do not like these silences. I am alone all the time. In the office, I dont really talk with the people there- I have nothing in common with them except where we work. They are mostly all young singles who have other lives. I dont want to go out and party with them. If we do go out occasionally with some of the MMs workmates- it always, without fail, turns into a bitch session about work and I fucking hate that. I dont particularly like my job...it's boring, repetitious, and stressful and I'm overjoyed when the workday is done. I dont know how my friend does it as she is married to and works in the office with the company owner(different company tho) and still goes out with the lot of them to the pub for a night out. I just cannot do it.
I feel like I'm wasting what little is left of my life. Going to work I hate, coming home, cooking while hubby is doing stuff on his computer in the back room, then after eating- usually while my soaps are on and he is watching videos on his laptop on the other end of the couch, we remain so until time for bed. Then, do it all again the next day. On weekends, it's more of the same with a sprinkling of household errands thrown in for good measure....and about every other weekend we go out to have a lunch together and a visit with his parents in a neighboring town.
We never go out just for a bit of a day out ride- MM hates to drive. About once every couple months or so we go to a dinner and board game night with MM's workmates- and again- it usually turns into a bitch session about what's going on at work.
I tried going to the gym- Hated it. Hate going where there's a load of people you dont know and getting all hot and sweaty and ignoring each other.
I need a hobby. I do photography- but the last time I went out on a photo walk on my own it was a disaster with me somehow ending up breaking my foot in 3 places- on level ground and in trainers no less and not being able to get MM on the phone cause, guess what- he had his headphones on playing a game and didnt hear the phone going off... I had to walk back home on that foot and I was almost a half mile away.....so now I'm having a bit of trepidation about going anywhere alone.
I guess what I'm trying to say is- altho I love it here. I dont like the circumstances. I want a full life. I want to be cuddled, and I want to go see places and do things with the man I love. I dont want us to be like that couple in the restaurant....just sitting and eating- not looking at each other- and having nothing to talk about. I want us to do things together and talk and laugh together.
I hate the sound of silence.
We dont even try to make plans for the future. Nothing concrete anyway- it's all very vague. I'm the type person who wants to discuss what we want for the future and then try and figure out at least a somewhat solid timeline for making those dreams come true. Not this someday- or we'll talk about it later- closer to time. How do you know what you are going to need if you wait to closer to time and you have mis-estimated what you thought you would need? Then those plans have to be put on hold AGAIN while you regroup. Wasted time.
I get so frustrated about it all I just end up making everything worse.
What am I going to do to turn this around?........ how do I FIX my life?
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