I Am Goddess.
We should remind ourselves of this every single day.
It seems I have repeated past mistakes.
I recently was let go from my job. And I now find myself in a bit of a state because of my own stupidity.
When
the Mere Mortal and I moved here- we decided to have a joint bank
account- and when I got working- I went back and forth about whether to
set up a personal savings account or to just use our joint account... I
finally decided that I trusted him- and I would use the joint account.
Well
it worked- as long as I was working... we set ourselves a "spending
allowance" for the month and the rest stayed in the account. Some months
I used mine- some months I didn't- I figured it was a "savings " or a
"buffer" for the day when there was something I wanted or needed came
along.
Well, the day has come along- I was let go from
my job. Hubby sat down and added up all the bills that were
automatically taken out and paid each month- and what we had left over
to spend on Groceries and fuel for the car and such.
I
figured well, I'll have enough in my "buffer" that I can OCCASIONALLY
spend a fiver on something I want or need. Turns out that this isn't
the case- what I didn't spend during those years- is still considered
in the pot money.
Last night I told hubby I was going
into city center today to spend the morning looking for employment- and
afterwards Betty and I were going to visit the Christmas market to see
the pretty Christmas decorations- and his response was "DON'T SPEND ANY
MONEY!!!" Repeated like 3 more times too......Even after I said I wasn't
planning on it.
In all honesty- I had enough cash in
my pocket to use for the bus ride to City Center and (Literally)a coffee
and a chat before heading back home. And altho I TOTALLY understand the
need to save as much as we can until I get working again- just the idea
that I wasn't "allowed" to spend any of the money I MADE sent me over
the edge again.
I will NEVER again let myself get into
this situation. When I get working again- I WILL get myself a savings
account set up and MY "monthly spending allowance" will go into it.
Whether I use it or not- that amount will go into it.
I
dont think it would bother me nearly as much except since I lost my
job- hubby has been micromanaging every penny.... We stopped to get fuel
last weekend and I went in and used three scratch tickets to cash in
and buy me a drink and a bag of crisps for the ride home- he had eaten a
sammich at his parents house but I hadn't- he wanted to know to the
penny how much that had cost and reiterated he needed to know where
EVERY penny I spent went.
Meanwhile- every month he
shells out £30 on Vape juice for himself. I have spent a grand total of
£9 on myself in the past two months( I had an idea that I might lose my
job a couple of weeks before it actually happened so we started
tightening our belts then- just in case)..... I spent £7 on hair
coloring which I wont use until I have an actual Job INTERVIEW- and the
£2.11 for the Drink and Crisps- which technically doesn't count because
the scratch tickets used for those were bought months ago and had been
sitting in my desk at work til I cleared it out and found them on the
day they let me go.
He also gave me a five minute
lecture on what was a "luxury" item in the middle of ALDI when we went
grocery shopping together. It was a £2 pack of blueberries that would
have lasted me an entire week for my breakfast. Are you effing JOKING
me? Embarrassed is not even CLOSE to the way I felt being chided like I
was a 4 year old. A couple of days later- AFTER I FINALLY cooled off a
bit- I told him that was a disaster- and that if he gave me an amount of
what I could spend weekly on groceries every week I would spend no MORE
than that- and so far I have kept it £10- £15 lbs UNDER that amount. I
do the cooking- I know what I need to get to work with to be able to
feed us. If he wants to do the shopping- he can cook it as well. I
honestly dont think he realizes how badly it's making me feel to be in
this situation. During the time he was in the states just after we was
married, Not once did I tell him to get a job- or that he needed to do
more- or to not spend any money for anything. I made sure he was able to
talk to his parents- that he had internet- that if he had gotten a job
interview he had a way to get to it. And when there was spare money to
be had(which wasn't often but there were times it happened)- I split
whatever was left over with him. No finger pointing- no acting like I
was "Lady of the Manor" simply because I was working and he wasn't- just
us working it out together with no guilt trips.
Any-who,
my point is- once again I let myself put my independence at risk by
being stupid and not protecting myself by having anything separate- I
put my heart and soul into trust-instead of protecting myself with that
one tiny thing that would make me feel like I had individual & sole
control over one thing in my life. And so-once again- I feel powerless.
No-
I ALMOST feel powerless. What I really feel is anger that I let myself
down- that I lost my independence in lieu of being a couple. Couples
absolutely should share- but they should also have something that is
uniquely their own.
I know what I have to do to get my
power back- I need to find a job- get money coming in again- and get
myself a buffer set up for myself. And remind myself there are always
options if I am not feeling comfortable with any situation.
I Am Goddess.
