I'm a bit depressed today.
I'm still looking for a
job... buoyed by the fact I'm getting quite a few calls but all so far
have been from companies looking for someone willing to relocate across
the country(or commute- they aren't fussed which) or for positions I
dont have the qualifications for. But I continue to hunt- and I know my
position will come to be sooner or later. I have faith.
In the meantime, I am trying to occupy myself as much as I possibly can in between job hunts.
I've
recently taken up acrylic painting, and I continue to try to learn to
play my banjo and speak a bit of Italian. Ive also organized my house
and continue to try to keep it up to speed in cleaning and
organization.
My mom has been poorly recently so I'm
trying to keep in touch with her and the rest of my family and what is
going on there in the states.We dont eat out anymore- so I cook daily
and try to be that quintessential 50's housewife until I'm gainfully
employed again. Hubby takes are of the bills so I take care of the
house- with the exception of bringing the bagged rubbish out to the bins
and taking care of HIS guinea pig. I didnt want the rodents but agreed
that if he got them they would be totally HIS responsibility- he cleans
after them, and feeds them- altho occasionally I will feed Gavin his
salad just before Paul gets in from work. So far it's working well.
I'm
trying to keep my spirits up. I look every once in a while at houses-
trying to get a fix on what I/we might want - both for when I return to
being employed- and for when(there is no IF- I'm convinced we will win
it at some point in the future) we win the Lottery. To be honest there
isn't THAT much difference in the before Lottery houses and the after
Lottery houses- I dont ever want something grand and uber expensive- I
just want a modest house where there is room for me and hubby to BOTH
have our own space and a nice shared space, too. I have a set of
priorities of the top 5 things I want in a house.
I
like to have dreams. I put these houses to hubby- and he just looks at
me like I have lost my mind. Or I'm stupid. He doesn't want to even
THINK about it until we are ready to buy a place. I want to know what is
out there- and I want to have an approximation of how much it's going
to cost us... and how much we might need for a down payment- and all the
faff that goes along with a move from House A to House B. I like to
look at the houses and ask myself, could I see us living in a place like
that? Is it too much- or not enough? Where would we put the Christmas
Tree? And would the TV fit? Is there a fireplace? Is there a room big
enough for Paul to have all his computer and VR things and Musical
instruments? Is there room for me to have a place to store all my
handbags and shoes and dresses and is there room for a dressing Vanity
table? Sometimes- well, most of the time, what Hubby does is throw out
obstacles and reasons why nothing would work, or why we cant have this
or do that.
That's all well and good- if you are
making plans to overcome those obstacles, but I dont see any of that
coming from him. I need smiles and reassurances and cuddles and hopes
and dreams with him- not just the reality of the here and now- because
to be honest- the here and now of just scraping by really bites. I want
to have something to look forward to. I NEED that.
So I
just go ahead and dream my little dreams, and make my little plans and
mention them less and less to hubby. I'm just worried that the more I do
that the less we communicate and the further apart we will grow, and I
dont want that either. So how do I do a balancing act where I get what I
need without either of us feeling like I'm pressuring him? I dont want
to ruin our relationship- but at the same time I dont want to be made
feel like what I want doesn't matter either.
I just dont know. I've tried telling him, but he just doesn't get it. And I dont get his POV either.
So I suppose we are at a stalemate?
