I Could Have Fixed It All

Last Night I had a dream.

I was in a new and exciting tiny home- it was small- but it was just the way I wanted it, plus it was in back of my daughters place and behind my mom's house. Then the random people who had lived there previously showed up and started taking it apart- all the things they had done or replaced were ripped out- and as I was arguing with them, I looked out toward my mom's house and she was coming out with her pocketbook and all three of my kids were young kids- Julie was about 8... Frank about 4, Clay, about 3. They were going to get ice cream and they all looked so happy and excited.

I started telling the random people about how I had to go because all my babies were there and how Clay was going to pass when he was 23 and just found out a couple of weeks before that he was going to be a daddy.

All of the sudden I realized- OMG- they are still little! I can change all the bad things to come. I know the dates of all the bad things that happen to change so many lives. It's my chance to fix it.

I knew the exact day I was going to start from- despite it being a few years later- I had a plan to leave Franklin the very day I found out I was pregnant with Clay.

I would ask my parents to help me go back to University and get my degree in Architecture and Interior design. I would work hard and then get a decent paying job. Save my money and buy a house for us all. I could get custody of my Baby Girl back, I could provide for all my kids and know the way to go with their upbringing- do all the right things instead of having to do the wrong things and hope they were the right things.

There would be no second or third or fourth marriage. I would miss out on all the good things those brought to me- but I could prevent Clay's Passing, Franks suicide attempts and drug use, I could prevent Julie's rape and beatings, and all the hurts I had with my marriages. I would be there to help with Mom in her years and it wouldn't be all on Julie's shoulders.It would be me and me alone that would make things better for us. I could fix it all!!! And just as I knew in my heart that everything was going to be good- and different, I woke up.... and as I slowly came around I could hear myself repeating my plans and how to fix it all and prevent all the bad things happening in the future. It would work! It WOULD!!!

And when I woke up- reality dropped on my like a grand piano from the top of the Empire State Building. I burst into tears and begged God to please, please, please, let me go back to that reality and not be in this one. I was willing to give up all the love I had in my life now if I could just go back and save us all from the heartaches and mistakes. But God said no.

So I cried. For two hours I've cried- for the plan I cant execute. For the lives that could have been. For the wrongs I cant make right.

And now I must live on with the reality of what is.