My Sanity and Dealbreakers.

So here we are again.

This goddess was struggling yesterday. I wanted to get out in the green and the fresh air, but if I had taken a walk to the river, I would have seriously contemplated throwing myself in it.
This Goddess doesn't swim.

In my normal life, I'm not big on going out in the crowds and mingling with the unwashed masses. I do like going out occasionally tho to mingle. Not on huge holidays with everyone shoulder to shoulder fighting for the last spot on the beach or in the shop fighting for the last over rated, overpriced, got to have it now item........ just a normal outing to browse shop- to have a spot of nibble lunch with my bezzie, and to enjoy the  thoughts and emotions of the people around me. During Holidays it's much to frenetic for an empath to do that. I like to have all my shopping done by Thanksgiving, then be able to sit back and enjoy the rest of the season at my leisure.

Since the lock-down, I have dealt with the isolation pretty well. I've only had one wobble and my Bezzie helped me get thru that wobble like the brilliant star she is!!!! She even brought me a prezzie by- but the other support she gave me was the thing I needed most. 
I just want this lock-down to end sooner rather than later.

I need to get back to work. I'm finally qualified to do the job I was trained to do when I was in the states and I want to get back to doing it badly I can taste it!!!! I pray to God every night that I am given that opportunity soon.

This lock-down has not been without it's moments of hilarity tho.

Just last night my husband rang me on the phone to tell me he is on his way home from work and to ask if I had ordered the pizza as he had requested.
Seriously? He called to ask me that?
He was working from home and was literally 6 feet away sitting at the dining table. After I hung up on him, he shut his laptop, got up & moved to his recliner (about 3 feet away from his "desk"), sat down and asked me "Where's Me Dinner, Woman?"

It's moments like these he should be glad I love my Mere Mortal and he makes me laugh. He's made me laugh since our very first phone conversation some 21 years ago. He told me the "Horse in the bar" joke and even to this day I still laugh when he says "A Horse walks into a bar....." 

I am a bit concerned about something that came to light recently, tho.
The other day he asked if I remembered when we planted peppers and tomatoes in inside planters and altho the tomatoes didn't do terribly well, we lived in a pepper jungle for the next several months and made everything from pepper jam to pepper bread because of the bumper crop that grew. (HOW could I POSSIBLY forget!!!!!???) 
"Well," he said, "We should do that again."
I laughed and said "Just as soon as we get a house." (Not going thru that nightmare again in a flat.) 

And he said "NO."

Me: "Excuse me? Clarify, please.... did you mean NO- to the experience, or NO to getting a house?"

And he refused to answer. Still has not answered. 

Now I love the Mere Mortal, and I have been trying to get him to take his parents offer of a down payment on a house up since they made it a few years ago,(It's just part of his inheritance, early, as they pointed out) but he refuses.  It just makes sense to me to be putting money into a home of our own rather than pouring it into a rental like we have been doing for the past 5 years since they offered....it calculated up to 45,000 that could have been put into it - it would be half paid for at this point. 
Now all I have ever wanted was to be a mom, and be a wife to a man who loves me enough have the same hopes and dreams as me and stand by me while we achieve those dreams......... and have my own home. I dont think that is too much to ask for  in life. 

But I dont think he actually wants the responsibility of keeping a home up. I think he would rather rent and let the landlord be responsible for the repairs and maintenance- for the rest of our lives.
And that, my dear ones, is a drawing the line deal breaker for me. I want a place where I can paint if I want- and put art up if I want, and change the flooring if I want without having to ask permission from the landlord- or the council- or anyone. I want a garden to sit in in the mornings or the evenings whilst sipping a coffee or enjoying a glass of wine and listening to the birdies sing and the crickets chirp. I want to be able to put a water feature out and plant a willow and a maple tree.. and a rose bush or two. It doesn't have to be a mansion- or even very large- just a place to call our OWN.

I had that for a short while once upon a time in my life and it was glorious- it was just with the wrong man- who lost it all and very nearly broke my spirit- and my trust in men forever. 
Hubby restored my spirit and trust and for all these years I have believed that we wanted the same things- but after that remark the other day and his reluctance to address my attempts to discuss it further, my doubts and fears are starting to seep back into my mind again.

I've been mulling it over for the past few days and every time I think about it- the angrier I get. He cant switch lanes on me now. Next week we will have been married 16 years. And he knew from the start what my dreams and hopes were. No matter if we were in the States, or here in the UK, or in the Antarctic, I would still want those three things in my life. And two out of three just isn't good enough.

So what do I do now? How do I get things back on an even keel? 
I know I need to sit him down and have a discussion, but when he doesn't want to discuss something he totally ghosts me. How do I get him to open up so I know where to go with the rest of my life?

These are things I must ponder on.