Madam Karma and The Vengeful Goddess

Have you met her? Madam Karma? She can be a real BITCH.

She's the Goddess's Vengeful Cousin and she is finally coming into her own.

She takes a while to get to people on that LONG list, but when she does- she really DOES.

I've always thought of myself as a mostly kind, sweet, generous, forgiving(if not forgetting) gentle person. But a couple of days ago I learned a bit of info that has me thinking maybe I'm a bit more like my vengeful cousin than I thought.

I had an ex who, when we were together, used to beat the everliving HELL out of me. He would kick, punch, slap, and starve me. Lock me in the house so I couldn't have visitors, and abandon me for days at a time with nothing but a can of tomatoes in the house to eat. And take the tin opener with him.

Why was I in a relationship with him? Because he wasn't that way when we met....he wasn't like that until we were married a few months and he was introduced to drugs and booze. And it was a quick downhill slide from there. I kept thinking he would get bored of it all....or he would grow up and realise what he was going to lose if he didn't.......or....some miracle would happen. but it didn't work like that.

He never touched the kids. He threatened to once- and that was the final straw for me. I was terrified of him, but I loved my kids more than I had ever loved anything or anyone and I swore they would never know the horrors of what he was putting me thru.
So I was careful, and quiet, and I put away every single cent I could get my hands on. I did quite a few things I was ashamed of- but I today hold my head high because the things that I did- I did to save mine and my kids lives by getting us away from him.

I didn't ask for child support- or alimony- He didn't take care of us while we was together and he was just spiteful enough to  refuse to pay and then be put in jail and when he got out take the kids and RUN with them. Not because he wanted and loved them, but because he knew how much I loved and wanted them and how much it would have hurt me to NOT have them.

That was 30 years ago when I finally got away from him and the terrors he put me thru.

A couple of days ago I learned that he is in the hospital. He's been having some kidney problem since the mid 90's, but now he's had to have some surgery....Yesterday he had one to amputate his leg. The same one that he used to favour when he was kicking me in the face and ribs(once when I was pregnant-I didn't KNOW I was til I went to the hospital, but I was)...... and next week- he's having another surgery to amputate his fingers....quite possibly his entire hand. Again, the one he favoured when he was punching and slapping me in the face and dragging me round the house by the hair when I curled into a ball to protect myself.

And when I heard this news.....I was happy.
No, I wasn't just Happy- I was fucking GLEEFUL!!! I kid you not- I was walking around with a HUGE smile on my face all day.  I would just break out laughing a few times  when I thought about it.

And I am sitting here now thinking, Am I totally insane for feeling that happy about someones comeuppance? Or am I totally justified in feeling that way? I'm actually scaring myself a little bit  because I never thought I had that kind of hate in myself.

But I do. I still do. I won't ever forgive him for the things he put me and those kids thru. Because even tho he never actually laid a finger on them, he did damage. Just by the things they saw and heard even tho they were tiny and I never thought they understood what was going on. They did. And it's carried over into their adult lives.

The damage he did to me has affected every single relationship I've been in since then. And not just the male ones. It's affected me in my friendships- or LACK of them in my life with my female friends too.
If I have a female friend who is in an abusive relationship- I will try and help her. But if she just keeps going back to him, I have actually ended my relationship/friendships with these women. I cant tolerate that kind of stupidity in my life- even looking at them ...I just cant. I wont. I refuse to be a part of anything like that again. Ever.
I will defend a female being hurt and beat on and abused-even verbally...and I will defend her to my last breath...but if she chooses to go back to him- she is on her own. Don't call me next time- Don't call me at all. Don't come to me ever again looking for help- because I will close the door in your face after telling you to go to the police for help. Don't show up at my door. Don't talk to my family- or my REAL friends. You made your choice.
I do not put myself in those dead end situations.
I escaped once with my life- I will not waste it.

My daughter swears he has turned his life around and asked for prayers, or cards, or flowers from anyone who felt they could  do so. Just to brighten his spirits. Apparently, he has turned his life around- but no one is willing to give him a 54th chance........It's too late for him with those people who have known him over the years.

I said a prayer. That my daughter and her brother can find peace in themselves and not let their past with him screw up their futures.
As for a card or flowers?- Fuck that. I'll dance on his fucking grave- in a flaming red dress and black patent stilettos with red lipstick on while singing Ain't That A Shame by Fats Domino.

That's the kind of scary shit I'm thinking instead of all the forgive and forget Southern Baptist shit I was taught in Sunday School.

Not very Goddess Like, Is it?
Or if it is- I've Turned into the Vengeful Goddess.

Either way- it doesn't matter- I am who I am.
I am a SURVIVOR.


I.

AM.

GODDESS.