I Could Have Fixed It All

Last Night I had a dream.

I was in a new and exciting tiny home- it was small- but it was just the way I wanted it, plus it was in back of my daughters place and behind my mom's house. Then the random people who had lived there previously showed up and started taking it apart- all the things they had done or replaced were ripped out- and as I was arguing with them, I looked out toward my mom's house and she was coming out with her pocketbook and all three of my kids were young kids- Julie was about 8... Frank about 4, Clay, about 3. They were going to get ice cream and they all looked so happy and excited.

I started telling the random people about how I had to go because all my babies were there and how Clay was going to pass when he was 23 and just found out a couple of weeks before that he was going to be a daddy.

All of the sudden I realized- OMG- they are still little! I can change all the bad things to come. I know the dates of all the bad things that happen to change so many lives. It's my chance to fix it.

I knew the exact day I was going to start from- despite it being a few years later- I had a plan to leave Franklin the very day I found out I was pregnant with Clay.

I would ask my parents to help me go back to University and get my degree in Architecture and Interior design. I would work hard and then get a decent paying job. Save my money and buy a house for us all. I could get custody of my Baby Girl back, I could provide for all my kids and know the way to go with their upbringing- do all the right things instead of having to do the wrong things and hope they were the right things.

There would be no second or third or fourth marriage. I would miss out on all the good things those brought to me- but I could prevent Clay's Passing, Franks suicide attempts and drug use, I could prevent Julie's rape and beatings, and all the hurts I had with my marriages. I would be there to help with Mom in her years and it wouldn't be all on Julie's shoulders.It would be me and me alone that would make things better for us. I could fix it all!!! And just as I knew in my heart that everything was going to be good- and different, I woke up.... and as I slowly came around I could hear myself repeating my plans and how to fix it all and prevent all the bad things happening in the future. It would work! It WOULD!!!

And when I woke up- reality dropped on my like a grand piano from the top of the Empire State Building. I burst into tears and begged God to please, please, please, let me go back to that reality and not be in this one. I was willing to give up all the love I had in my life now if I could just go back and save us all from the heartaches and mistakes. But God said no.

So I cried. For two hours I've cried- for the plan I cant execute. For the lives that could have been. For the wrongs I cant make right.

And now I must live on with the reality of what is.

I Dont Belong Here.

Do you ever have a moment of clarity and think "I dont belong here."

Not just where you are- but anywhere on Earth.

I've realized that I just dont fit in. I'm 60 mortal years old and my only accomplishments in life that I am proud of is I have the greatest kids in the universe and I've found a MM who actually loves me.

My hopes and dreams have gone by the wayside- jettisoned, one by one, until I have none left.

I have no home to call my own. All I see in the future for this dream is paying rent to a damn landlord until the day I die- and then my husband will do the same until the day he dies and we will leave this world with nothing.

I miss my family back home. You would think after 10 years living here I would have at least a small tribe here. I dont. I have my sister Goddess Li, and a guy friend who used to be a co-worker that I occasionally-about every 3 months) have a chat with(thru whatsapp- not in person). I love my mil & fil and hubby's Aunty P, but that is it for my contacts here. No one calls, no one comes by. Everyone has their own lives to live and I'm sitting here jobless, practically friendless, and feeling pretty familyless- just waiting for the grim reaper to knock on my door and the angels to escort me to Heaven.

I have good days occasionally- the ones where I feel optimistic and reach for making something happen, but those days are coming less and less  frequently and it seems like no matter how hard I reach to make things happen- they stay just beyond the reach of my fingertips, or if I actually get them in my hands-they turn to water or sand and slip thru my fingers. So close- yet so far away.

Today is a dark day and honestly I just want to go back to bed and stay there until something happens. I tell myself to get going and MAKE things happen- only I cant because I've BEEN doing that and it's gotten me nowhere. I'm stranded in the middle of a desert, in the middle of an ocean and I dont know which way to go or how to get anywhere except where I am now. And honestly, I'm to the point I dont even want to try to get off the desert and across the ocean anymore. I'm ready to just sit here and wait until it's time to go back to Valhalla. I cant even do anything to rush that along either because if you take your mortal life- Valhalla is taken away from you too.

Here is the rock....here is also the hard place.
I will get to a better place. I just have to believe..... and wait.

My Sanity and Dealbreakers.

So here we are again.

This goddess was struggling yesterday. I wanted to get out in the green and the fresh air, but if I had taken a walk to the river, I would have seriously contemplated throwing myself in it.
This Goddess doesn't swim.

In my normal life, I'm not big on going out in the crowds and mingling with the unwashed masses. I do like going out occasionally tho to mingle. Not on huge holidays with everyone shoulder to shoulder fighting for the last spot on the beach or in the shop fighting for the last over rated, overpriced, got to have it now item........ just a normal outing to browse shop- to have a spot of nibble lunch with my bezzie, and to enjoy the  thoughts and emotions of the people around me. During Holidays it's much to frenetic for an empath to do that. I like to have all my shopping done by Thanksgiving, then be able to sit back and enjoy the rest of the season at my leisure.

Since the lock-down, I have dealt with the isolation pretty well. I've only had one wobble and my Bezzie helped me get thru that wobble like the brilliant star she is!!!! She even brought me a prezzie by- but the other support she gave me was the thing I needed most. 
I just want this lock-down to end sooner rather than later.

I need to get back to work. I'm finally qualified to do the job I was trained to do when I was in the states and I want to get back to doing it badly I can taste it!!!! I pray to God every night that I am given that opportunity soon.

This lock-down has not been without it's moments of hilarity tho.

Just last night my husband rang me on the phone to tell me he is on his way home from work and to ask if I had ordered the pizza as he had requested.
Seriously? He called to ask me that?
He was working from home and was literally 6 feet away sitting at the dining table. After I hung up on him, he shut his laptop, got up & moved to his recliner (about 3 feet away from his "desk"), sat down and asked me "Where's Me Dinner, Woman?"

It's moments like these he should be glad I love my Mere Mortal and he makes me laugh. He's made me laugh since our very first phone conversation some 21 years ago. He told me the "Horse in the bar" joke and even to this day I still laugh when he says "A Horse walks into a bar....." 

I am a bit concerned about something that came to light recently, tho.
The other day he asked if I remembered when we planted peppers and tomatoes in inside planters and altho the tomatoes didn't do terribly well, we lived in a pepper jungle for the next several months and made everything from pepper jam to pepper bread because of the bumper crop that grew. (HOW could I POSSIBLY forget!!!!!???) 
"Well," he said, "We should do that again."
I laughed and said "Just as soon as we get a house." (Not going thru that nightmare again in a flat.) 

And he said "NO."

Me: "Excuse me? Clarify, please.... did you mean NO- to the experience, or NO to getting a house?"

And he refused to answer. Still has not answered. 

Now I love the Mere Mortal, and I have been trying to get him to take his parents offer of a down payment on a house up since they made it a few years ago,(It's just part of his inheritance, early, as they pointed out) but he refuses.  It just makes sense to me to be putting money into a home of our own rather than pouring it into a rental like we have been doing for the past 5 years since they offered....it calculated up to 45,000 that could have been put into it - it would be half paid for at this point. 
Now all I have ever wanted was to be a mom, and be a wife to a man who loves me enough have the same hopes and dreams as me and stand by me while we achieve those dreams......... and have my own home. I dont think that is too much to ask for  in life. 

But I dont think he actually wants the responsibility of keeping a home up. I think he would rather rent and let the landlord be responsible for the repairs and maintenance- for the rest of our lives.
And that, my dear ones, is a drawing the line deal breaker for me. I want a place where I can paint if I want- and put art up if I want, and change the flooring if I want without having to ask permission from the landlord- or the council- or anyone. I want a garden to sit in in the mornings or the evenings whilst sipping a coffee or enjoying a glass of wine and listening to the birdies sing and the crickets chirp. I want to be able to put a water feature out and plant a willow and a maple tree.. and a rose bush or two. It doesn't have to be a mansion- or even very large- just a place to call our OWN.

I had that for a short while once upon a time in my life and it was glorious- it was just with the wrong man- who lost it all and very nearly broke my spirit- and my trust in men forever. 
Hubby restored my spirit and trust and for all these years I have believed that we wanted the same things- but after that remark the other day and his reluctance to address my attempts to discuss it further, my doubts and fears are starting to seep back into my mind again.

I've been mulling it over for the past few days and every time I think about it- the angrier I get. He cant switch lanes on me now. Next week we will have been married 16 years. And he knew from the start what my dreams and hopes were. No matter if we were in the States, or here in the UK, or in the Antarctic, I would still want those three things in my life. And two out of three just isn't good enough.

So what do I do now? How do I get things back on an even keel? 
I know I need to sit him down and have a discussion, but when he doesn't want to discuss something he totally ghosts me. How do I get him to open up so I know where to go with the rest of my life?

These are things I must ponder on.

The Winter is Here

In two days I will be 60 mortal years old and I have learned many things as a mortal.

It has been a hard life- yet it has also been a wonderful life.

As a mortal, I have suffered from heartache beyond compare. I have lost one of my children and father and others I loved, and cried tears of grief. Sometimes, even in moments of great happiness the grief will overcome me and my tears of joy and happiness turn instantly into tears of unbearable grief and I have to leave to keep from ruining whatever celebration is happening.
In my life as a mortal, I have felt great betrayal of the best of friends. There is a saying here on Earth- "With friends like these- there is no need for enemies." Trust does not come easily for mortals and with good reason.

But I have also felt great joys.
I have  friends who are like sisters- and sisters who are also my friend. Both are a true blessing to me.
I have children who are my best friends as well. Here in this mortal realm, it isnt always so.  There is much discord amongst mortals- no matter what relationship they are to each other. It boggles the mind.
I have friends of both sexes. Not always allowed in this realm either. Distrust and betrayal is rampant as I have mentioned.
I have inlaws I love and who I hope love me as well.
I have old friends who have kept in touch and some that have reconnected after years.
I have friends who have a special place in my heart and will surely be sitting at my table upon our return to the Great Hall.
I have a wonderful spouse who doesn't always let me have my way- that in itself is truly a blessing because there are times I want to do things that I would give not a second thought to in Valhalla, but in this mortal world could do me or others serious harm. I need to be reminded it is NOT all about me at times. He always lets me know that I am loved.

I am entering the Winter of this mortal life and I am dedicating the rest of my time here to getting healthy and back in condition for my return to Valhalla or Heaven as most mortals call it. I am looking forward to mounting my great steed and riding thru the thick forests and the lush green valleys of Valhalla. To swimming in the clear clean warm waters of the pools under the waterfalls and napping on the warm sunny rocks beside them. I long to wear the glistening flowing comfortable gowns, or wearing the leathers of the hunt. I miss my cloak.

But for now, I am going to slow down and enjoy the rest of this time here. I'm going to take more walks out in this beautiful world, I am going to smile and compliment more mortals on things about them that make me happy to see. I am going to smile more and laugh more and just ENJOY more of everything.

My last 20 mortal years here are going to be the best yet and I hope you are a part of it.

The Veil Is Thinning

I had a bit of a wobble today.
I was going thru my documents getting them sorted out and looking for my documents I need to get working again... I realized that except for Bank statements I have NOTHING else on the list. No Drivers License, No credit card, No mortgage statement, No savings and Loan statements, No council tax in my name, No Utilities bills in my name..... It's like I dont exist except for my passport and bank account.
I cried when I realized how much of myself was invisible- again.
I realized that I could call my banks and get the bank statements sent to me thru the post but it will delay my trip to get my documentation sent for my SIA badge by a week or so.
One step forward- two steps back today, however,....... I can change this to my advantage once I am working again.

I am Strong, I will Survive. I will Thrive.

Simple Pleasures.

2020, I think, will be my year of simple pleasures.

They are what makes me the happiest and the most content.
Things that bring me joy and cost nothing- or very little.

What are these things?

Sleeping with the window opened a tiny bit so I can feel a soft breeze wafting across my cheeks. I grew up in a house with only a wood-stove and a fireplace for heating so I LOVE a cold bedroom.

Enjoying a cup of coffee made JUST the way I like it. I like to enjoy mine sitting outside listening to the birds but where I live now all I would get is exhaust fumes off the cars that go by on the main thoroughfare. So I enjoy mine by the big lovely window in my living-room. It overlooks the golf course so if I turn some music on it kind of drowns out the traffic sounds.


Listening to classical music. I love chamber music. It relaxes me and send me to another level of calm and serenity.

Taking a long hot bubble bath. I'm not big on the candles aspect of it- mainly because I haven't found a scented candle I like that doesn't smell like food- and that just makes me want to get finished as quickly as possible in the bath so I can go make me a sammich. Kind of defeats the purpose.

Sitting out in the garden or taking a long walk in a park or the forest and enjoying nature. Betty and I went to one back last summer and it was one of the most amazing places ever. I want to go again come spring when everything is blooming and just turning green again. We vowed we were going back in the autumn to see the colours, but life got in the way and we didn't make it. But this spring we will!!

Watching snow fall. Oh My Gosh- one of the most beautiful and serene activities on earth. and in the morning or late at night when there is a couple of inches on the ground and everyone is off the roads and snugged inside their homes- you can step outside and hear what total silence sounds like. This world is bombarded with mind numbing, constant noise. My mind yearns for the quiet solitude and stillness of the mountains and valleys of Valhalla.

Eating a slice of bacon or a piece of fried chicken. And my sister's mac & cheese. Or Olives. Or anything I crave. Not overdoing it- just having a nibble. the last time Betty and I went shopping together for her Christmas decor, she brought me to a lovely little pub for lunch. We sat by the fireside, and bought a sharing tray of nibbly bits. My gosh but that was one of the best lunches I have ever had- we didn't have to shop for it- we didn't have to make it- we just sat back and enjoyed nibbling and being in each others company. Best Lunch date EVER!

Doing something creative. I have so many things I do to be creative.I'm taking a course on Photography at the moment- Learning all the fiddly bits my husband doesn't have the patience to teach me. I'm doing a purge of all my earthy possessions and am having to be ruthless. So I am having to come up with creative solutions to store the things I want to keep and it is proving quite a challenge. But I can do it.

Yes- this year is going to be full of challenges and simple pleasures. I guess a Goddess CAN have it all!!!

Im Flipping Fabulous.

Well, I dont have resolutions this year- I have a Bucket list and goals.

2020 BUCKET LIST

TO MINIMIZE MY WARDROBE:

*CLOTHES

*SHOES

*HANDBAGS

TO START WALKING AT THE GARDENS- STARTING AT 1 LAP AND INCREASING IT 1 LAP EVERY WEEK FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR.

TO GET BACK INTO THE WORKFORCE.

TO PUT A FULL 1/3 OF MY WAGES BACK FOR VISITS BACK STATE SIDE HOME.

TO PUT 1/3 BACK AS SAVINGS FOR A HOUSE.

TO DRINK MORE WATER & MAKE BETTER FOOD CHOICES.

TO LOSE 100LBS BY CHRISTMAS 2020.

TO GET BACK INTO PHOTOGRAPHY AGAIN.

 I've put these in red ink- and as I accomplish them they will go to green ink.  I'm also employing the positivity aspect to my week- I have a can and every week on Saturday- right before weighing myself I will sit down and write down one GOOD thing That has happened to me that week. Then at the end of the year I will read them all and see all the good things that have happened to me over the year.  

Positivity and Affirmation!!!! That is my Mantra this year- 

I'm going to go home for Christmas next year. I just have to get employed as quickly as possible so I can book my travel in May. My lovely Bezzie is going to book with me so we can travel from Manchester to Philly together before going our separate ways to our hometowns.

Then when I get back Hubby and I are going to start scouting for a house of our own. I am sick to death of throwing our money down the drain on rent. So THAT is going to change too. No more procrastinating- it WILL happen or else.

I am solely responsible for my own happiness- and I am taking charge.

Happy 2020 to us ALL!!!!!