The Winter is Here

In two days I will be 60 mortal years old and I have learned many things as a mortal.

It has been a hard life- yet it has also been a wonderful life.

As a mortal, I have suffered from heartache beyond compare. I have lost one of my children and father and others I loved, and cried tears of grief. Sometimes, even in moments of great happiness the grief will overcome me and my tears of joy and happiness turn instantly into tears of unbearable grief and I have to leave to keep from ruining whatever celebration is happening.
In my life as a mortal, I have felt great betrayal of the best of friends. There is a saying here on Earth- "With friends like these- there is no need for enemies." Trust does not come easily for mortals and with good reason.

But I have also felt great joys.
I have  friends who are like sisters- and sisters who are also my friend. Both are a true blessing to me.
I have children who are my best friends as well. Here in this mortal realm, it isnt always so.  There is much discord amongst mortals- no matter what relationship they are to each other. It boggles the mind.
I have friends of both sexes. Not always allowed in this realm either. Distrust and betrayal is rampant as I have mentioned.
I have inlaws I love and who I hope love me as well.
I have old friends who have kept in touch and some that have reconnected after years.
I have friends who have a special place in my heart and will surely be sitting at my table upon our return to the Great Hall.
I have a wonderful spouse who doesn't always let me have my way- that in itself is truly a blessing because there are times I want to do things that I would give not a second thought to in Valhalla, but in this mortal world could do me or others serious harm. I need to be reminded it is NOT all about me at times. He always lets me know that I am loved.

I am entering the Winter of this mortal life and I am dedicating the rest of my time here to getting healthy and back in condition for my return to Valhalla or Heaven as most mortals call it. I am looking forward to mounting my great steed and riding thru the thick forests and the lush green valleys of Valhalla. To swimming in the clear clean warm waters of the pools under the waterfalls and napping on the warm sunny rocks beside them. I long to wear the glistening flowing comfortable gowns, or wearing the leathers of the hunt. I miss my cloak.

But for now, I am going to slow down and enjoy the rest of this time here. I'm going to take more walks out in this beautiful world, I am going to smile and compliment more mortals on things about them that make me happy to see. I am going to smile more and laugh more and just ENJOY more of everything.

My last 20 mortal years here are going to be the best yet and I hope you are a part of it.

The Veil Is Thinning

I had a bit of a wobble today.
I was going thru my documents getting them sorted out and looking for my documents I need to get working again... I realized that except for Bank statements I have NOTHING else on the list. No Drivers License, No credit card, No mortgage statement, No savings and Loan statements, No council tax in my name, No Utilities bills in my name..... It's like I dont exist except for my passport and bank account.
I cried when I realized how much of myself was invisible- again.
I realized that I could call my banks and get the bank statements sent to me thru the post but it will delay my trip to get my documentation sent for my SIA badge by a week or so.
One step forward- two steps back today, however,....... I can change this to my advantage once I am working again.

I am Strong, I will Survive. I will Thrive.

Simple Pleasures.

2020, I think, will be my year of simple pleasures.

They are what makes me the happiest and the most content.
Things that bring me joy and cost nothing- or very little.

What are these things?

Sleeping with the window opened a tiny bit so I can feel a soft breeze wafting across my cheeks. I grew up in a house with only a wood-stove and a fireplace for heating so I LOVE a cold bedroom.

Enjoying a cup of coffee made JUST the way I like it. I like to enjoy mine sitting outside listening to the birds but where I live now all I would get is exhaust fumes off the cars that go by on the main thoroughfare. So I enjoy mine by the big lovely window in my living-room. It overlooks the golf course so if I turn some music on it kind of drowns out the traffic sounds.


Listening to classical music. I love chamber music. It relaxes me and send me to another level of calm and serenity.

Taking a long hot bubble bath. I'm not big on the candles aspect of it- mainly because I haven't found a scented candle I like that doesn't smell like food- and that just makes me want to get finished as quickly as possible in the bath so I can go make me a sammich. Kind of defeats the purpose.

Sitting out in the garden or taking a long walk in a park or the forest and enjoying nature. Betty and I went to one back last summer and it was one of the most amazing places ever. I want to go again come spring when everything is blooming and just turning green again. We vowed we were going back in the autumn to see the colours, but life got in the way and we didn't make it. But this spring we will!!

Watching snow fall. Oh My Gosh- one of the most beautiful and serene activities on earth. and in the morning or late at night when there is a couple of inches on the ground and everyone is off the roads and snugged inside their homes- you can step outside and hear what total silence sounds like. This world is bombarded with mind numbing, constant noise. My mind yearns for the quiet solitude and stillness of the mountains and valleys of Valhalla.

Eating a slice of bacon or a piece of fried chicken. And my sister's mac & cheese. Or Olives. Or anything I crave. Not overdoing it- just having a nibble. the last time Betty and I went shopping together for her Christmas decor, she brought me to a lovely little pub for lunch. We sat by the fireside, and bought a sharing tray of nibbly bits. My gosh but that was one of the best lunches I have ever had- we didn't have to shop for it- we didn't have to make it- we just sat back and enjoyed nibbling and being in each others company. Best Lunch date EVER!

Doing something creative. I have so many things I do to be creative.I'm taking a course on Photography at the moment- Learning all the fiddly bits my husband doesn't have the patience to teach me. I'm doing a purge of all my earthy possessions and am having to be ruthless. So I am having to come up with creative solutions to store the things I want to keep and it is proving quite a challenge. But I can do it.

Yes- this year is going to be full of challenges and simple pleasures. I guess a Goddess CAN have it all!!!

Im Flipping Fabulous.

Well, I dont have resolutions this year- I have a Bucket list and goals.

2020 BUCKET LIST

TO MINIMIZE MY WARDROBE:

*CLOTHES

*SHOES

*HANDBAGS

TO START WALKING AT THE GARDENS- STARTING AT 1 LAP AND INCREASING IT 1 LAP EVERY WEEK FOR THE ENTIRE YEAR.

TO GET BACK INTO THE WORKFORCE.

TO PUT A FULL 1/3 OF MY WAGES BACK FOR VISITS BACK STATE SIDE HOME.

TO PUT 1/3 BACK AS SAVINGS FOR A HOUSE.

TO DRINK MORE WATER & MAKE BETTER FOOD CHOICES.

TO LOSE 100LBS BY CHRISTMAS 2020.

TO GET BACK INTO PHOTOGRAPHY AGAIN.

 I've put these in red ink- and as I accomplish them they will go to green ink.  I'm also employing the positivity aspect to my week- I have a can and every week on Saturday- right before weighing myself I will sit down and write down one GOOD thing That has happened to me that week. Then at the end of the year I will read them all and see all the good things that have happened to me over the year.  

Positivity and Affirmation!!!! That is my Mantra this year- 

I'm going to go home for Christmas next year. I just have to get employed as quickly as possible so I can book my travel in May. My lovely Bezzie is going to book with me so we can travel from Manchester to Philly together before going our separate ways to our hometowns.

Then when I get back Hubby and I are going to start scouting for a house of our own. I am sick to death of throwing our money down the drain on rent. So THAT is going to change too. No more procrastinating- it WILL happen or else.

I am solely responsible for my own happiness- and I am taking charge.

Happy 2020 to us ALL!!!!!

A Bit Nervous...

Yeah- things are going well, but I'm starting to get a bit nervous. For the first time in 5 years I'm below the 250 lb mark.

I'm eating more healthily, and more active thanks to my bezzie, Betty Rage!!!

Then why am I nervous? Because in the past I had an eating disorder. And when it first started I was doing all the right things. But slowly, over the course of a couple of years, I started getting queasy whenever I would eat too much- or when I ate something I considered a treat. And guess what has started happening the past few weeks?

Yup- exactly that. I usually cook, put a certain amount on my plate, eat half of it- and as SOON as I start feeling satisfied- I stop eating and my hubby finishes what's left on my plate. Lately, if I eat one bite over that- I start feeling queasy. If I eat out of my 12 noon to 8pm window-even by 5 minutes, I start feeling queasy. If I eat something I consider a treat- I start feeling queasy.  If I eat something fried in a frying pan instead of in the air fryer- I feel sick. I've even started feeling sick when I have a spoonful of sugar in my coffee. I will have to keep an eye on this because I cant let that line of  craziness back into my life. Lose weight yes, but healthily. Not drop down to 87 lbs- because this time there wont be a pregnancy to intervene and stop it in its tracks. I'm a bit past that now.

There is a fine line people with eating disorders in their past have to tread. And it's not easy to judge where that line is but this queasiness is exactly how it started last time.

I dont like talking about it much- because to me talking about it just seems to make me want to slip back into that way of thinking..... nibbling at my food, camouflaging my food so it looks like I have eaten more than I actually have... Feeling queasy and just going ahead and going to the bathroom to gag myself to purge the food I've eaten that- in my mind- is making me feel so horrible.  It really is scary to be always thinking about it and trying to be aware of it sneaking up on yourself again after all these years.

I just have to remember to eat and drink healthily- and I have a long long long way to go before I hit 87 lbs again.

Reclaiming My Goddess

Well,  there are worries.

Last night my mere mortal and i were talking and jokingly I asked a question. The answer I got was sobering.

Now I'm not sure if he was joking or serious- but it raised a bit of a red flag with me. I do not like being controlled, neither do I like secrecy. If he were to do what he stated he would, I would be packed and gone the next day.

It seems lately he doesn't want me touching or moving anything that is "his".  I dont have access to his phone- nor his computer- not that I want to go into either- I trust him and would never(and I have NEVER open mail addressed to him nor open packages delivered to him unless it has BOTH our names on it) but he has access to all mine so why not?

I love the man with all my heart and soul- but life has taught me that you cannot let anyone have total control over your life. And I never will let that happen again to me. He is already in charge of the finances until I get a paying job again- and I have to let him know if I order anything so he can budget for it. I have a set amount to buy the groceries every week- I have only went over once and I made up in savings the following week. I understand about we are on a tight budget, but then every couple of weeks or so he buys his vape juice and there are deliveries at least twice a month for things HE has ordered.  He balked at the idea of me getting a separate bank account for my spending allowance when I was working- and I rarely spent all my "monthly allowance"- so it stayed in the bank- usually his purchases ate into whatever savings I had made- as if we had it in the account there was no reason we couldn't spend it.
Well, when I get working again, I'm getting a separate bank account for my monthly spending allowance, regardless of if he likes it or not. That way I can keep better track of MY spending and personal savings.

I have allowed so many little things to slip either into- or away in this marriage because I love and trust him. But things need to be 50/50. I'm TRYING to get a paying job again- but even tho I am not paying- I am staying home and taking care f the household things- as much as I can with the restrictions I have.

I cant touch or move the electronics. I cant move his seat.(Shades of Sheldon, LOL). I'm not to mess around with his gaming computer or his recording equipment. I cant move his earplugs on the night table. I cant use his paintbrushes or paints(His are water colors anyway- I use acrylic and oils). If anything isnt able to be found by him it must be because I moved them and not because he did and put them down somewhere he doesn't remember.

We can only have loving time if HE is in the mood for it. I can ask/initiate, but if it's a weeknight- he's not in the mood because he worked all day(I totally understand this tho- his job IS stressful and doesn't put you in the frame of mind to make love- Of course there is the idea that lovemaking could take away some of that stress & frustration too.....but maybe that's just me that works like that). We only make love on the weekends- at night- No morning daylight sex( I understand this too kinda- My big ugly fat ass isn't what me married and signed up for.), unless it's 4AM and he's in the mood. Rarely happens, but occasionally- when I'm in a deep sleep and dont remember it til the next afternoon a vague recollection comes to me. The one or two times I've actually woken up there is no sweet talk- just a kneading of the boobie and a nudge on my butt. It's great when we make love- He is a fantastic lover- but that reality just makes the infrequency of our lovemaking so much sadder.

I've tried talking with him about these things- but he just somehow manages to turn things round to convince me that all these things are because of something I have done or created...or worse- it's just my imagination and a projection of things my exes have done and now I'm trying to project that onto him.
At first I was in agreement on some of these issues(mainly the trust/jealousy issues), but now I'm thinking but there is still no denying that he is doing these other little controlling things and it IS how it's making me feel -it's like deja vu- and I cant let it creep up on us until it's so bad we split up. All I want is a partner who gives and takes and stands by me no matter what is going on? I want to be wanted- not controlled. And I dont want to be walking on eggshells all the time either, nor do I want HIM doing it.

Why do relationships have to be so damn complicated?

Handy Ma'am

Okay- so maybe I've been going about this all wrong.

Maybe I need to set up my own shop, so to speak. I know how to do plenty of stuff. I have a lot of experience in loads of things other than office work. Matter of fact- office work is the least thing I have experience in. Mostly what I have done my entire life has been in the home raising kids or in the field as law enforcement in one way or another.
Maybe what I need to do is set myself up as a Handy Ma'am.  You know- go and do all the little things only women seem to know how to do.

*Clean an oven? Can do.
*Bake a cake? Can do.
*Deep clean a room? Can do.
*Organize a pantry or a room? Can do.
*Bake a cracking Mac and cheese pie? Can do. (My sister makes the best one, but mine aint bad.)
*Bake a Mile High Apple Pie? I'm your girl.
*Banana Pudding? - or any other Southern Treat- I'm on it!
*Clean your kitchen or bath? Give me a call.
*Rearrange your furniture to give you a fresh new look without having to buy new things? Here I am.
*Want someone to just come and spend an afternoon with your parent(s) so you can have a break? That would be me- I would love to meet some new people and most people over here are fascinated by my Southern accent when it's on full draw. I have 3 different Southern Drawls...one I use for the office, one I use for most people out of the office- and the real one I grew up with that generally only my family understands.
*Need a mediator for a squabble? I'm completely unbiased and will give you my honest opinion and help you settle it.(Lots of practice with children in that area.)
There are so many things I can do to make a person's life easier and bring in me an income at the same time.
If it's not illegal or immoral, I'm good to go.

I'm not even joking y'all. Would it work or not?